auld lang syne, baby

should old acquaintance be forgot and never brought to mind?

out with the old

Dragging

Last night's meal sat in my stomach like lead. I got up a few times with indigestion-related discomfort. I didn't even get into bed until after 11, so being up at 1 made my hopes of waking at 5 for spin seem bleak. But I did it. Man, I really feel all those carbs, fats, and sugars I ate for the last several days. I need a major detox.

I ate significantly lighter during the day today, but being exhausted really impacted my productivity. I need a lot of sleep, a lot of exercise, more water, and less caffeine.

Catchka and I celebrated the holiday together this evening at Sammy's Trattoria. Really love what they're doing with their calamari these days... so, while my dinner was once again on the rich side, it was very pared down from last night.

I'm looking forward to simple fruits, low-fat proteins, low sugar oatmeal, and progresso soups for the next several weeks. I'm betting I gained about 5 pounds.

That's okay, though. My sister gave me this amazing black dress that I fit into now (and I look stunning in it--something I would not say lightly), but that I'll be unstoppable in in about 6 pounds (from my baseline weight, not holiday weight). I keep saying it, but it's really time to start toning seriously. There's a sculpt class on Saturday mornings that I want to look into.

Holiday Wrap Up

My sister, Caryl, arrived last Monday (the 17th) for a 5-day visit with me before our other sister, Crystal, came on Saturday (the 22nd) to take us to the DC area for family holiday festivities. I worked all of last week, but with that pre-holiday energy in the air, it flew by. Caryl and I visited with E on Tuesday night, Sarah on Wednesday and Friday nights, and Catchka on Thursday evening (we rode up to the suburbs that night after C spent the day with me at work--what a trooper).

Facing up to my financial limitations meant that I bought no gifts for family or friends this year (and asked them to limit their financial burden by not gifting me), but I did take my sister out for several meals and managed to donate some of my resources to charity (something I committed to last year). It wasn't ideal, but I think everyone understood. It was freeing, actually, to realize that I had no disposable income. No stressful shopping, no last-minute present wrapping, etc., so all of my energy resources were topped off and I enjoyed spending time with people.

It was so meaningful to go see an inexpensive light show at Watkins Park with my sisters, to visit with Crystal's friends, to spend several nights with my mom, the girls, and my sister's husband, and step-son. Christmas dinner with Crystal's in-laws was completely enjoyable (I thought it might be weird).

And because it seems that no holiday is complete without some sort of collapse, there were a couple of "incidents" that revealed trouble spots in the family dynamic, but all in all, not too bad. Oh, and there was the slip about the small, informal NYE gathering at my place to my mother, who is not invited for obvious reasons, but who I knew would nevertheless, be hurt. I think I explained it to her so she understands...

I've given a lot of thought to 2008 and what I think I need to focus on in the coming year. Fiscal responsibility, fitness responsibility, and career shifts are at the top of the list. My biggest worry for tonight, though, is the fact that I'm so used to going to bed after 1 that I don't think I'll be tired at a reasonable hour. There will be hell to pay tomorrow as I attempt to get back into the routine of the workday.

I won't get into how poorly I ate, but I will leave you with this: I enjoyed a satisfying gnocchi with bolognese for dinner tonight (accompanied by an amicable Seurat) at Della Notte with Sarah and her parents. Tomorrow, I spin.

Apron Strings

I woke up earlier than usual for me on a Sunday morning so I could complete the textiles load of laundry before heading off to church. In said load of laundry was one of my two aprons--last worn by Sarah during prep time on the night of the Autumnal fete. I've never been one to wear an apron. Nothing against them--I just don't usually think of it. Anyway, after removing it from the laundry basket, I got the ridiculous urge to try it on. My slimmer figure gave me a new appreciation for this utilitarian item.

Because I'm wearing my favourite turtleneck sweater and didn't feel like removing it to make sundried tomato bruschetta & guinness meatballs (turkey meatballs), I decided to get some use from that apron. How useful these are!

At Williams-Sonoma this afternoon I actually saw a gingerbread man appliqued onto a bright red Christmas apron and I had buyer's lust (I didn't make the purchase on account of the fact that I've sworn off superfluous spending for the foreseeable future)--very strange, indeed.

So, the real point of this post is that I actually cooked tonight. Since my weightloss efforts were resumed in mid-May my approach to food preparation is very bare bones. I do prepare most of my own foods, but cooking has not been a source of creativity for me at all. I know there's a way to do low-cal, low-fat stuff that's involved and interesting, but that's not my approach.

These meatballs are neither low-fat nor low-cal. I am making them in honour of the fact that my sister will be staying with me this week and I wanted to have something special ready for her first night in town. We'll have them over whole wheat linguini with some sort of vegetable.

My dinner tonight will be sole fillet with garden herbed cheese w/asparagus in a tortilla wrap. Very low-fat. Very low-cal.

In other news, I've lost my steam with The Fountainhead. I'm not going to force it. In other, other news: I have it on very good authority that I've become a real Scrooge. Heard this today just as I was pondering that I understand quite well how good old Ebenezer got to that place of miserly misery.

One thing is abundantly clear

I really do not like Folgers coffee--even their newfangled "gourmet" brand falls far below the mark. I bought some this morning from Rite-Aid because the "Vanilla Biscotti" blend was only 3.99 for a full-size bag (and I am on a budget!). It's passable. I can drink it. I will drink it, too, while thinking about the fact that I just bought myself about 25 cups of mediocre coffee for the price of one grande Starbucks concoction.

I'm off today, but I've gotten more accomplished than I do on most mornings. So typical of not being at work. I woke up at 5:30, headed to the gym for a cross-country workout on the elliptical, then came home to help Caryl add finishing touches to a final paper. After that, I headed off to the grocery store to pick up some gift cards and rations for the weekend. On my way home from the gym, I stopped to get laundry detergent, dryer sheets, and the aforementioned coffee (bleah!), so I was all set to get a couple of loads going as soon as I put my tofu away.

Now I am happily listening to the Classic Tales Podcast--installment 2 of Dickens' A Christmas Carol. At about 3, I head to my undergrad alma mater to attend the Madrigals Dinner to hear Caryl sing with the chamber choir. I'm dressing in a further-slimming black turtleneck and matching dress pants. Wish I had time to get my nails done beforehand...

Spirit Lifts

• Have already noted a weightloss this week
• Former prof sent me text of his reccommendation letter [i almost just typed rejection letter]

I did not waive my right to see it, so it was purely ethical for him to do so. He figured it was a good day for an ego boost and it was. Not that anything remarkably stressful or bad happened. It was just the same annoying crap on shuffle and repeat.

• finished up some work at home so that means I start the morning (after spin) with a clean slate
• tomorrow is my last day at work this week (not that I won't be putting in weekend hours)
• am seeing Sarah tomorrow night for dinner when she arrives back from LA

Various and Sundries

I really want to go to church this Sunday. Not just because it's the Christmas season, but because I feel really disconnected from my beliefs. For a number of reasons, it's become vital this week that I reengage before the void I feel becomes any more pronounced. I know I've written some diatribes about the lack of relevance the church can seem to have for someone in my particular situation (unmarried woman in her 30s), but I've tried not going, and I don't think the trade-off is worth it.

I've been a machine at work for the last few weeks, but yesterday and today were especially good. After the best spin class in weeks (lots of driving beats and good jumps), I hit the ground running at the office.

[sidebar: Had coffee before spin this morning. Have discovered that drinking coffee before exercising makes the workout kill. I had water during, too, of course.]

Back to the office. Some kind soul had already warmed up the colour copier by the time I went upstairs, so some pages I needed to insert into my manuscript prior to comp release were completed with minimal drama. Then I spent the rest of the morning approving digitals, responding to e-mails, and closing loops.

By 11 or so, I settled in with the lessons I needed to correlate and was only minorly distracted by the fact that I really wanted to hear from Sarah how her flights had gone. She called once she landed at her first location, but I always worry whenever anyone I love is traveling--I hoped the second and longest leg of her trip would go equally well (it did).

A quick text message to my former thesis advisor around lunch time yielded good news. His letter of reccommendation got to the assistant director of admissions at my prospective university--my application is now complete and can begin moving through the process. The application deadline is still the better part of two months away, so it's not as if having everything in so early will mean that I find out any sooner than I would have, otherwise, but at least now I don't have to think about it. It's fortunate that my big project at work will be wrapping up right at about the time when the committee will be making its decisions. The spring will be rejuvenating and will hopefully mean good news for my academic future.

In lieu of new podcasts to keep me entertained and informed, I listened to my iTunes library on shuffle. That is always such a revelation. I have that song? I thought more than once today. Listening to the music in a random context reinvents it too. I have little pet songs and playlists that I gravitate to so I end up ignoring 90% of my collection most of the time.

Speaking of playlists, I am going to make one purely for spin. There is one spin bike in the main section of the gym for individual use (outside of the class context). It's my new challenge to come up with a routine for myself in January. this will require quite a lot thought--I basically have to choreograph a workout. My first self-imposed assignment of 2008. I don't feel alive if I don't have a project.

So, with that in mind, a schema for the first quarter of the new year:

Lose final 10 pounds
Get short-ish [razor] haircut with highlights
weekly manicures
Resume 5-day weeks at gym
(travel in November derailed me somewhat. I derailed myself the rest of the way)
Church attendance--regardless of my "issues" with it
(they have nothing to do with the faith itself--just the social construct)

Doable, I think.

Lit!

Scheduled Power Outage

so, BGE calls and leaves a courtesy message. They are turning off all the power in my section of the neighborhood in order to make some urgent repairs. From midnight tonight until 6:15 tomorrow morning, it's lights out.

I've decided to sleep in because waking up at 5, walking down 6 flights of stairs with all my gym gear, lunch stuff, stacks of editing to take back to the office, etc., with a flashlight as my only source of illumination just seems like I'm asking to fall and break something. I went to the gym Sunday, Monday, and today, so tomorrow will just be a day off. I may do my resistance bands routine tomorrow evening, but that's totally TBD.

Once I finish this glass of hybrid Merlot/Tempranillo, I'm turning in. Cell phone alarm is set. All systems are go for a 6:30 wake up. Ah. Sleeping in! How sad is it that waking up at 6:30 will really feel decadent?

Trounced!

Last night after work Catchka and I headed to Annapolis for dinner and a game/trivia night with Jason and Deb. I met, for the first time, Deb's and Jason's daughters, Zoe and Ketzel. I am in love. Such happy, warm, socially facile little people. Zoe is such an artist. I have one of her masterpieces on my fridge right now, because of course she immediately presented me with a picture that she'd drawn upon meeting me.

More later... my ride is here. Will discuss the historic game of Trivial Pursuit and how if the battle of the sexes came down to pie/wedge getting, women would be back in the dark ages.

Drama!

so. my other sister, 22, is dating a 35-year old man she met online. This is not going over well with my mother. As for me, I think the affair is ill-fated, but must run its course. In truth, the whole thing feels sinister to me. Not throat-slashed-found-in-bushes sinister, but more like this-can't-end-well sinister.

i'm in such a weird place right now. i don't feel like i have much ability to work up the motivation to go to the gym. that is unsettling. i did go yesterday, but given that i worked until about 11:30 last night (and then had to decompress by reading some of Mark Haddon's A Spot of Bother), I decided to sleep in until 6:40 this morning.

last night was the end of my working from home for the next month at least, so i should be able to make it to work out every other day this week (spin tomorrow!). getting my life to settle down has been such a trick. anyway, the extra effort paid off. i began things at the office today on a pretty level playing field. what is even better, i delegated some stuff to other people (some resources were suddenly freed up), which also helped.

am excited. i just started Ayn Rand's The Fountainhead. Page 1. Maybe i'll be done by Christmas. Speaking of Christmas and the par-for-the-course festivities of December, i'm trying to think through days i want to take off/work from home. Haven't got it totally worked out yet.

i say it every year, but am really looking to pare down holiday stuff this year. not the celebrating and the warmth, but the spending and the eating. goodness. the eating.

i really want to do something nice for my sisters. mulling it over.

warmth

my married sister, left, hosted our holiday this year. my mother made several of the dishes and brought them with her, but Crystal, Caryl, and I made the green beans, the ham, and the candied-liquered yams.

I managed to relax (not hosting has its privileges) in spite of my looming deadlines. My sisters are such a comfort, such a haven for me. God, it's bliss being with them.

I was back home in Baltimore as of late morning yesterday and got down to editing the stacks that were waiting for me. Once back from Sarah's this evening, I set to work again. Here it is, 12:30 and I'm just calling it quits for the night.

Chinese takeout for the second night in a row--this is not good for the waistline--has me worried about my fitness goals. I can't do it all, but in spite of a full day's work to complete tomorrow, I will go to the gym. I keep telling myself that I can't sacrifice the self-care, but it's hard to make it a priority when I just want to get back to ground zero with my scheduled deliverables.

Anyway, life keeps happening all around. In spite of a pivotal, breakthrough conversation with her husband a few weeks ago, my sister still isn't sure that they're going to go the distance. We live in a society where marriage is so disposable. And yet, I don't know that toughing it out is always the best course of action. Something to be said for cutting your losses and not wasting 20 years.

Hard to know--what's a storm to weather? What's a storm to flee?

In the spirit of Scarlett O'hara, I have to admit. I can't think about this right now. I'll think about it tomorrow. Back to my book.

just finished up some work

i got up at about 10 today, got to work (work work) immediately,and stayed faithful to the task until about 1:30, at which time i set out for the library. On the way home from returning books (and checking out two new ones), I decided to go to the gym (after a 10-day hiatus). The plan is to go tomorrow and Tuesday, and do resistance bands from home in the morning on Wednesday. I'm working from home that day [with a short break for a breakfast meeting with V], then heading to my mother's house that afternoon.

speaking of the gym, will likely change my membership status to "off-peak." The rate is going up in January. just have to make sure there are no weekend restrictions before i downgrade. I know I couldn't go between 5 and 8 on weeknights, but I don't do that now... The only reason I have nonrestricted membership is b/c I didn't want to feel that I didn't have the option. Well. Screw the option.

I'm thinking I'll put up the Christmas tree on Tuesday night. It's become my tradition to do that on Thanksgiving, but since I won't be here and don't want it to wait until next weekend--it'll be a bit early this year.

had a dream last night. was kissing a former prof--short, tender little kisses. not exactly chaste, but measured. this is odd, now, because my crush on him was vanquished by brief romantic dalliance with mr. close encounters. am probably just worried about his recommendation letter getting to the grad admissions office on time (new program to which i've applied) and this is the way the stress is revealing itself.

Silly [of me]

Listening to a real throwback from my childhood--Deniece Williams' "Silly," in which she intones "silly of me to go around and brag about the love I found... foolish of me to tell them all that every night and day you call when you could care less..." It reminds me of being 7, driving around with my mom and dad, belting it out and the top of my lungs.

Last night after V's surprise birthday party Sarah helped me figure out my iPod issue. Basically, updating its software made it incompatible with my not updated iTunes. When I got home tonight, I downloaded the new version of iTunes. I got some weird message telling me that there is a software update for my iPod, but I skipped it this time. Whever Apple updates its systems, there's often a resulting bug. No thank you. Anyway, I can now add songs back onto Kafka--and they actually show up (they weren't after I resynced on Thursday night).

Meant to come home early today and get a lot of work done, but a muscle relaxant debacle followed by a not-having-cash-on-hand for the light rail debacle meant extra time with Sarah (I did not emerge from my coma until 12:30!!!). After lunch she dropped me off at the train. I'd stood there for about 2 minutes when I realized that a) I needed to buy a pass and b)that I had no money with which to buy said pass. I called Sarah and she turned right back around and picked me up. I headed to points north with her. Ended up buying a new workout outfit, a Pashmina (13.00), and new bedroom slippers.

Another added benefit is that I got to grocery shop at Whole Foods. Bought some Aztec hot cocoa powder. Spicy! Now I have a great use for all that fat free half & half I bought for the party.

Just a few minutes before 9 and I'm just sitting down to get through some of my editing stacks.

Rough Starts; Smooth Endings

Let's see. Somehow I managed to remove all the content from my iPod, get my feet wet, prove unable to pay bills online... all this equals me being slightly out of sorts first thing in the morning.

Did I mention that my feet got wet on the way to work?! Bleah.

In spite of expecting today to suck. big time. I managed to have a semi-productive day and my weekly status meeting wasn't half as stressful as I was anticipating.

I'm slowly but surely adding my music back into "Kakfa's" files.

Read this pre-chick lit chick lit book Sheila Levine is Dead and Living in New York. It's a histrionic (intentionally so) voice piece that ends on this really weird note. I think I dreamt about it, but I can't be sure. Now I resume, between working, my place in The Curious Incident of the Dog Incident in the Night-Time.

And incidentally. A mellow Shiraz helps these weird little rough patches. just a bit.

Back on the ground

A business trip to Chicago (just for the day) yesterday meant that I was in the air again. That's 6 takeoffs and 6 landings in the space of about 5 days (the El Paso trip meant connecting). In an effort to regain some equilibrium, I worked from home today and I was more productive than I have been in an age. I needed to get away from my work phone and keep e-mail contact to a minimum.

Too bad I have to go back tomorrow. In any case, I'll definitely be putting in some hours this weekend to make up for lost time.

Not much is new except that I've gained about 3 pounds. It's the stress and the interruption to my workout schedule... and the fact that I've made some bad choices lately.

Trying to turn it around. I'm hoping for no more trips until the spring, at least.

If You're Ever Down in Texas, Look Me Up

Good morning, blog subscribers. I know I promised you more interesting posts now that The Baltimore Chronicles is invitation-only, but I've hardly had time to post at all for the last several days. Mea culpa!

I am in an El Paso hotel room, fresh from the shower, and sipping the first coffee of the day. It is just after 6--but for you darlings back East, it is about 10 past 8. Time Travel. You are in the future--so tell me. What happens?!

The sun hasn't really come up yet, so I am typing to the backdrop of a twilight sky and Miles Davis' version of 'Round Midnight (which the great Thelonious Monk wrote). I woke up at 5 (7) so I could work out on the ancient elliptical contraption in the fitness center. At least it's something. I was feeling over it after about 22 minutes, a paltry showing (though I did manage to work up a good sweat).

The first leg of the journey (Baltimore to Albequerque) was four hours long so Southwest was generous with the snacks (dried fruit and nuts, cracker sticks & processed cheese, 100-calorie pack Chips Ahoy!, and honey roasted peanuts)--most of which I ate. I read the lion's share of a 200-page book and even managed a jerky nap (you know when you keep jerking awake because you don't have a suitable place to rest your head? I should really invest in an airplane pillow...)

I had been doing quite well, food-wise this week. Traveling throws things off, though. Yesterday morning I had a single packet of instant oatmeal before heading to BWI a couple of hours later. Obviously, my hunger was exaggerated by the time I made it through the security checkpoints. Lunch was the airport subway where I got a foot-long. I also indulged the Starbucks' seasonal offerings (I do love the pumpkin spice and gingerbread lattes--nonfat, of course).

My coworker and traveling companion and I got in at about 7 or so last night, took an hour to decompress, then hit the cute little Italian place next door to our digs. I ordered calamari and a salad for dinner, but the presentation of the calamari threw me off. It was like fishsticks or something. I asked my server about it and she assured me that it was indeed calamari. I was expecting rings and feet--you know what I mean. I ate it, though. A Guinness rounded things out nicely. B and I were spent at that point (9 here, 11 at home) so we adjourned back to our respective room and turned in. We're meeting up in about 45 minutes for breakfast and then on to register for the conference we're attending.

The sun's up now, y'all. I gotta get a move on.

The Weekend...

started off on Friday night with a humble dinner from Subway with Alexis. We finished up at the new Starbucks where I got my signature venti decaf/nonfat capuccino with 2 (but sometimes just 1) pump of sugarfree hazelnut syrup.

Saturday Sarah and I hooked up fairly early for a trip to the post office (had to mail off some grad school application components--here's hoping!), to visit her office, and then to meet up with a former coworker of hers for sushi in the suburbs.

This morning something of an impromptu scone party at the same former coworker's house. I ate 4. I also took two home. Scones are a real weakness. I can feel that I've gained some weight this week. The office Potluck on Wednesday was the beginning of my downward spiral. Hoping to regain some ground (by losing) this week.

After grocery shopping late this morning I came home, got settled, and trekked to the library to pick up some reading material (had a $4.00 fine, but because the Enoch Pratt Free Library system is cash only, could only pay half of it. It's fortunate that I had any cash at all--enough to remove the block on my card), namely *blink* which I've wanted to investigate for a while now.

Beginning on Thursday, I fly out of town (business) and will be gone through the weekend. Then, on next Tuesday I'm out of town for the day again. Soon after that it will be Thanksgiving, so I've got to get vigilant about keeping the food intake in check and the exercise consistent. I'm too close to give up now. Scones be damned!

In other news, I have Eighty Sixed my online dating activities (did I already mention this?). I didn't just make my profile unsearchable, I deleted it. Between ensuring a continued commitment to weightloss and to continuing my education (and staying on top of my work projects), I've got plenty going on.

I do feel that my brief foray back into this world served me well on one point, though. There was another interaction aside from the one I had going with the fetishist lecturer that I also put the kibosh on (on which I also put the kibosh?). A nondescript but respectful gentleman wrote to me. I wrote back because his note was careful, struck a good tone, and I wasn't altogether sure that I wouldn't want to go out with him at least once. I suspected, but...

We exchanged a few e-mails over the course of a few days. He asked good questions, made good points, represented well in print, but I didn't feel myself feeling the spark of intrigue that is necessary to keep these things going. He called me one night last week and that settled it. Definitely not interested. I remembered just how important the sound (tambre, tone, etc.) of voice is in the overall attractiveness package. What is more, I was pretty bored.

I debated keeping plans to meet for coffee or something,but then wondered why. I already knew I didn't care to keep it going. Who was I to think that he'd want to meet me under those circumstances? Because of the nature of the business of online dating, it's okay to take advantage of that beautiful period of time in which neither party owes the other any explanation. I sent a general but direct note that told him how much I appreciated his initiation and his time, but that in the interest of fairness I needed to let him know that I did not want to continue communication or to meet.

It was as simple as that. And with my quiet but definitive statement I got back a bit of what I lost when Mr. Close Encounters ended things with me. It actually helped me to let go of all that a bit more. As much as any legitimate regret I had about his lack of interest (ultimately), I also know that my pride was hurt at the rejection.

You May Be Wondering Why I've Gathered You All Here...

Last night I met a man for coffee. I made this person's acquaintance through Yahoo! Personals (I recently reengaged the world of online dating). His initial note stated that he thought we'd be intellectually compatible though not, in all likelihood, a romantic match; we began to exchange a series of e-mails.

It was clear to me based on his photos that I was in no danger of being physically attracted to him, but his e-mails were wonderfully intelligent and I was intrigued by his being a lecturer at a local university (he has a Ph.D in History) and a playwright.

Very early on in our e-mail exchanges he told me that he "makes liberal use" of Internet search engines and had already discovered my blog. On the one hand there was something off putting about this, on the other I reasoned that he was being completely above board and that it would be sinister for him to have found it, read it, but to have said nothing...

He wondered if he would be walking into what he called the "equivalent of a reality tv scenario" should he and I ever meet. I explained that while I certainly blog about my life, I do so with discretion. I assured him that one meeting (not even a date) with someone would likely not merit an entry, but that knowing his concern upfront ensured that I would not discuss it.

At the outset of our meeting, I discerned pathological, socially awkard behavior. His comments were astute, his conversation engaging (he referenced my blog liberally), and while I did not feel ill-at-ease, per se, I also understood that I would not likely meet up with him again. I hadn't ruled it out, but his awkwardness seemed to be of the prohibitive variety.

Anyway, the Starbucks where I'd agreed to meet him didn't have much in the way of seating so we decided to go to another restaurant (Donna's) on the same street. With one proviso. That we not walk past a particular establishment because he had a run-in with the proprietor(s) at some point, and he "didn't want them to see his face."

I didn't ask about it.

After wrapping up at Donna's (he paid for my food and drinks while I was in the bathroom--I'd intended to pay for myself, but he seemed nonplussed, so we moved on and I thanked him), he suggested that we go to a coffee shop across the street for more drinks. I agreed b/c I was having a pleasant enough time. I knew it was getting late, but didn't want to end things too abruptly.

Throughout the course of our conversation he mentioned other women he'd met, or not met, through the site. In one case where nothing had come of a series of e-mail exchanges, he told me that the woman had shared "enough about herself" that he'd been able to determine that she is a singer/songwriter. He went to some of her shows. I don't think he ever went up to her or approached her--and these events were public,so he did nothing wrong--but it's creepy, no?

He talked about his ex-wife and some searches he did for her and her now-husband and the things he found out.

I understand that we live in an age where "googling" people is not atypical. But there was something obsessive and not quite right about the inclination he has. I can't describe it. Obsessive isn't quite right, but close.

Anyway, we're at this second place and he prefaces the first of two fairly significant revelations with the following: "now i'm going to tell you the really juicy gossip."

He's a nudist.

[original text removed by author.]

The nudist/naturalist went on to tell me "I'm also into soft-core fetishes."

A sick feeling came over me.

He shared what his particular fetish is.

Earlier in the evening he'd spoken about a play he wrote that dealt with this topic. A lot of people write about a lot of things. I thought nothing of it. Seamy underbelly. Moving on.

But when he made these revelations my flight instincts kicked in to high gear. I knew that I needed to sqaush any inclination or self-imposed pressure I might have to "be nice."

As I sat there thinking of the most expedient way to leave, he said "just to let you know, being my friend has nothing to do with these elements of my life." I assured him that I understood that.

Then I made my excuses. He said again, "okay, but before you go, just know that these kinky preferences are distinct from my friendships."

So why did he tell me about them? Maybe out of a desire to be above board. Maybe because it's just his hook to tell the few women he writes (his profile is not viewable--I could only see it because he established contact with me) that he thinks they have intellectual simpatico so he can lure them out for drinks while he discusses his "interests."

In an attempt to make a graceful exit, I told him that I'd had a nice time, and may check out the music performances he'd mentioned, and that I'd "love to hang out again sometime." I despise myself for feeling that I had to say that to soften the blow, to make the exit easier. I just wanted out and needed to seize the moment.

True to his word, he sent me four of his plays (I requested these before the revelations). They arrived in my inbox about an hour after our meeting. I didn't reply to his e-mail with the attachments and I won't.

While in some sense the damage is done (He's read pages and pages and pages of my blog--tracking software enables me to determine this), I made my blog "invitation only," so that he cannot read more or go back to pages he's already read for reference.

Knowing him he's probably committed several things to memory. And I have written enough about my life that he'd be able to determine things I don't even want to think about.

I don't know if he's a potential danger or just creepy, but I felt weird about the idea of leaving my house at 5:20 to go to the gym (as is my habit)this morning, so I didn't.

I deleted my profile from Yahoo! Personals (the venture didn't really feel organic this time, anyway).

Statistically, I guess I was due to meet a freak--afterall, each of my previous exchanges were with fairly normal, well-adjusted men. They weren't right for me or even interesting (most of them), but I never felt like I felt last night.

So, welcome to my private blog. The entries will probably get decidedly more interesting (less need for discretion)as a result of this turn of events--but that's just a fun by-product of a necessary measure.

There you have it.

*blink*

most decisions are made in an instant.

Couples!

The Autumnal Fete made made me realize, again, just how wonderful my friends are. The guests were comprised of singles and couples--the best cross section of all my relationships. Sarah managed to get some pics of a few of these couples and after downloading them to my computer, I found my self studying each one for long periods of time. I could see in each photograph the essence of the relationships. The delightfully playful and sweet Monito and his Devika, M & R's committment to each other--the realness of them as a twosome, B and S's electric chemistry, The comfortability and complete oneness of D & J. The thing is, all of these people, together, have all of these things (though the pics reveal one element of who they are as twosomes). Something about it made me feel hopeful, but wonderfully, happily sad.

I know it's weird, but I kept the photos up and open while I worked today. It made me feel better, closer to them, closer to something.

I'm all fiercely independent (and not at all sure that i'm cut out for a relationship), but if I could find a man who excited my skin, who wouldn't try to keep me on a leash, who'd let me love him fiercely while protecting his solitude, his freedom, and his independence, well i'd be there.

why can't i get over some things? that's what i need to know. i keep dreaming about mr. close encounters. he made such a mistake.

Know when to give up; don't stay too long at the fair

[now with spelling errors and typos corrected :)]

Because some idiocy deserves to be called out, I'll tell you the following:

Case Study #1

Remember the guy I mentioned who wrote to me a week or so ago? The one whose overture I took as a confirmation that I should indeed be putting myself back in the dating circuit? You might also recall, then, that I said that either he'd written to me before and I didn't respond (b/c I wasn't interested), or I simply remembered his profile (and wasn't interested).

This person wrote to me again last night. This time his note was antagonistic. He wondered if I was too booshey [sic] to answer him. He went on to conjecture that if he'd mentioned having a lexus and a lot of "bling," I might have responsded to him. "LOL."

Case Study #2

During my first online dating stint last spring there was a man with whom I exchanged a few e-mails--mostly because he asked me lots of questions and filled his notes with all sorts of trilly compliments that it would have been awkward to leave unacknowledged. I wasn't interested in this person and he never asked me out (I was grateful for that--because of the aforementioned lack of interest). Well, he also wrote to me again last night. I've been inactive on this site since April! My profile has only been searchable [again] for a few days (though I don't currently subscribe, so I can't really respond to anyone, except in the most limited capacity)!

I didn't even read his message. The truncated version that I could see without clicking on it:

"You BEAM with intelligence!"

I have been hesitant to get hooked back up with this site just because it's a little demoralizing to be seen fishing the same river twice. Many of the men from my last go-round are still there. Maybe I won't subscribe. Maybe I'll try my luck in another venue. Not EHarmony, though. I can tell you that much. I'm not into their system (or their commercials which oh so subtly imply that "compatibility" always means dating someone of the exact same race).

new life in the neighborhood

now that those condos on the fateful corner of charles & preston are nearly completed, a starbucks has joined in. it's not open yet, but it's looking finished on the inside. that sign saying "coming soon," is finally true to its word. do you understand how this changes my life? i only pass that corner ten times a week. :)

oh. and five men have written to me since i made my dating profile "live" again as of about 10 o'clock last night. after all of my protestations to the contrary, the time suddenly felt right. like most of the best decisions i've ever made, i made it in the blink of an eye.

this week's challenges: lose two pounds and do not check my work e-mail after i leave the office for the day.

Letting in Loveliness

the last time I checked in I wasn't doing so well. I'd been tense (increasingly so over a period of days), hormonal, insecure, and my perfectionist streak, as usual, was proving to be a liability.

a planned day off on Friday was the perfect mental health respite. I woke up at 6 (not 5!) and went to the gym for a beautiful 50-minute elliptical ride, went to the bank afterward to pick up quarters for laundry, then came home and did said laundry. A long, leisurely shower later and I was ready to head up to the suburbs to pick up a few trinkets and tokens for Sarah--this weekend was the friendaversary gift exchange. Friday also happened to be her last day at her job, so I wanted to find something appropriate to mark that occasion as well.

I met up with S and two of her now former coworkers for dinner at Christopher Daniel. I decided that I would definitely get a cocktail--my signature vodka martini--up. I opted to do two starters for my meal--cashew encrusted lamb chops (baby chops) in a hoisin sauce and bbq shrimp on a scallion grit cake. Dessert was a pumpkin bread pudding and decaf (black) coffee.

Saturday was delightfully busy. Sarah set up her new laptop (much needed for her online grad program), we did some preliminary shopping for next weekend's party, then we met up with E for a girls' night of sushi and gabbing about boys. Even though my weekend has been pleasant, even-paced, and stress-free, i've still found it difficult to get work off of my mind.

After Sarah dropped me off at home early this afternoon, I made my way to the gym (had to make up for the turtle chex mix, volcano roll, and 3 glasses of pinot noir debacle of last night). Forced myself not to go into the office afterward (right next door to the gym) to review edits/comments on my project documents. Whatever happened while I was out will keep until tomorrow. I've become obsessive and unhealthy. Stepping back in order to gain some perspective is my next crucial step.

I think I've got a solid game plan in place. I'm only halfway through. It's not too late to change things for the better. What I'm doing, the way I'm doing it isn't working. I've got to grow up and prove that I deserve the responsibility I've been given. I need to relax. Time and time again I see it. When I panic, I make stupid choices.

So. I'm going to keep working hard and smart at the office. and I'm going to plan this fete, and I'm going to keep it steady.

I'm also going to let go of whatever it is that keeps the loveliness from coming in. One thing at a time.

just a few notes

1. i don't appreciate being talked down to. it is significantly worse when the person doing the condescending is ten years my junior. i was thisclose to snapping.

2. i think i'm over spin. it's just not giving me the feeling/rush i need anymore.

3. i have been having disturbing, blood-soaked, pain-wracked dreams. they are all about my current project.

4. tomorrow i'm off (have to run errands and do laundry). i'm thinking it's for the best.

Chicken Salad

is all i could think about for the better part of the day. in fact, it was my motivation to make it through the stacks and stacks of editing on my desk. i imagined myself at home, rough chopping the chicken breasts i made a few nights ago--stirring in balsamic vinaigrette and light lemonnaise (instead of mayonnaise!)--then toasting the oat honey wheat bread, slicing the heirloom tomato...

the first bite was bliss.

Just thinking about it [for now]

Just about every two years, I start to yearn for change. Even though my lease defaulted to a month-to-month agreement after the first year and I can technically move any time, I think that I'm going to settle in to some new digs in late March/Early April. The basic parameters are these: I want to stay in my neighborhood (it's the best, most strategically-located where my life and priorities are concerned) and I want central air.

I may not move. My apartment is pretty sweet--in many ways the fulfillment of all my dreams (2 years ago), but that doesn't mean it has to be forever. What I needed then may not be what I need in 5 months' time.

Friendaversary

Sarah and I have been in each other's lives for 10 years, as of this past Wednesday. We've earmarked the whole month to commemorate our journey up to this point. She sent me flowers (to my job) on the day proper, but our true gift exchange is next weekend, then of course there is our jointly hosted party at the end of the month (which is not about Friendaversary, per se) that will round everything out.

We've never had more to celebrate at one time! Sarah's new job where she will really get to use her amazing skill set and where that contribution will be valued is the obvious list topper, but there's also the fact that she's already shining in her MBA program (just 5 weeks in!.) Her life is finally lining up the way she's always envisioned and I revel in that as though it was my own victory. Her victories are mine, really.

Productive

I planned to come home from work and make some strides on my secret [for now] project. Victory is mine! After dinner, I headed for my office and got down to business.

Am relieved. My Race for the Cure t-shirt and bib number arrived in today's mail. Really looking forward to Sunday and breakfast afterward with E.

The Grown Up Thing

I overspent on Saturday. I probably shouldn't have bought anything "fun" during a rent pay cycle, but there were purchases from two stores in particular that were truly unnecessary--so much so that I couldn't even enjoy them once I got them home. After stressing over the prospect of coming up short, I made a decision. I called up my good friend E and asked if she would convey me to the suburbs to return the items.

I was dreading being asked by the cashiers the reason for the returns, and to mitigate embarrassment I thought of a couple of solid, reasonable excuses to use at the moment of qeustioning. I realized though, that part of growing up is telling the truth to others and to yourself.

So, when the question came (twice, once in each store), I said "I shouldn't have bought these things to begin with. I actually can't afford them."

3%

After 4 days of not weighing myself, I was chagrined to notice a gain on Saturday morning instead of the two-pound loss I'd been hoping for. I hadn't been able to exercise as much or as vigorously due to a couple of strained muscles, but I still made it to the gym 3 times by Friday morning and did one morning of resistance bands training at home. As for food, I definitely ate like someone in loss mode.

I did not feel like I was going to see a loss even before the weigh-in, but I was still hopeful. I thought I discerned even more room in some pants and then there was the milestone of getting, comfortably, into those size 10s mid-week, so I thought my body might just surprise me.

On Friday night, I did splurge a bit on green tea ice cream after sushi (relatively reasonable rolls--1 spicy tuna and 1 spicy salmon), but that certainly wouldn't have yielded a pound overnight. I felt betrayed, discouraged, and angry. I still put forth a good effort on the elliptical on Saturday morning (50 minutes of the cross country program--burned roughly 640 calories), even after the disheartening digital read out.

I didn't eat beforehand, so I wolfed down two bowls of cornflakes (with skim milk) afterward. I didn't eat again until later in the afternoon. The rest of my food choices were in no way conservative. Today was better. In fact, now that I've been grocery shopping I can say that the whole week for food will be good. I am stocked up on all my favourite staples: tilapia, oranges, pears, light laughing cow cheese wedges, chicken sausage links (for breakfast), carrot juice, fat free yogurt, etc.

Because my strain is better, I will be exercising every day this week with the exception of next Saturday. Sunday the 14th is Race for the Cure--and though I'll be walking, it is a 5K. That's going to be good for me and feel exhilarating. I know people say you don't need to go to the gym everyday, that you shouldn't, in fact, but I don't see results in a given week if I don't.

In addition to the fact that I haven't been as consistent with food choices as I could have been, I think I am also retaining water (I consumed at least 1.5 liters a day M-F). Fruit and vegetable consumption was on the wane because I was at the end of a grocery cycle last week.Will remedy that over the next severl days.

Tonight, before I did two DVD routines (resistance bands and sculpt/strength), I had the bright idea to check my body fat percentage. 36%. 3% less than the last time I checked.

This is the hard part. The part where I am actively building more muscle so the trade off is that I don't see the scale number descend. I'd thought about going back to my daily weighing, but that might really mess me up. I can't very well stop lifting (I was tempted to go this route). That's the ticket to reaching my goal in the long run.

not before i'm ready

i've been considering putting myself back "out there." as much as i'd like to believe you can still meet a nice guy to date through some organic context like friends, a common hobby, or even while you're both waiting on line at the neighborhood coffee shop, i know that that is so 1993. Online--that is to say the Internet--is the organic context through which people meet now.

i'm chagrined to return to the same well twice, but i also understand one simple fact. i went on 4 dates in the space of a month and a half last spring because i put myself on a dating site, not because any of my friends knew someone or because a smart hottie saw me poring over a formidable text at Barnes & Noble and just had to have my number.

i can say this. i won't be making any moves in this direction until i reach my goal weight. both of these pursuits (relationships and fitness) require a great deal of effort and energy and i won't shortchange my own processes this time. and beyond that, even, i've got another "thing" going on. i've got to get this side "project" to a good point before i can take on men and their craziness again.

so why did i bring this up, then? because for the first time in months someone made an overture toward me via the aforementioned dating site even though my profile is inactive and "unsearchable." actually, this guy wrote to me before and i wasn't interested. or maybe i just remember his profile. in any case, he's not the point. the point is that i think this happened because it will be time, soon, to revisit that weird little world of first dates.

i can't stay hung up on the last man i kissed, afterall. he's nowhere to be found.

Try this on for size

On Sunday I had the occasion to visit a fairly well known shoe store. Their fall collection was actually somewhat inspiring so I decided to head to the aisle that housed my size to try on several pair. I was surprised to find that size ( 8 1/2) to be much too big. I went to the 8s. Still too big. It seems that at some point over the course of the last three months I have lost an entire shoe size and am now back in the size I last wore toward the end of high school (or perhaps the very beginning of college).

Somewhat related: had a dream a couple of nights ago that my father was standing in my bedroom facing me while I weighed myself on the bathroom scale. He admonished me to stop weighing myself every day (which I do). To that end (and also because I'm just far too obsessive for my own good), I have decided not to weigh myself again until Saturday morning (this morning was the last time until then).

On other size fronts, am fitting well into a pair of pants that I've always held up as a lofty goal, a someday prospect. They'll feel ideal in a pound or two, but are well within the realm of reason now, so I'm going for it.

Am still hovering between 4 and 5 pounds away from my interim goal.

Was back in the gym this morning after a Sunday and Monday hiatus (strained glute and quad). Took it real slow on the elliptical (normally this would have been a spin day) and did some upper body work. Tomorrow will be the same.

My Weekend in Food

Catchka and I hooked up at about 9:30 on Saturday to work out together at my gym. We were on machines and underway by about 9:40. I decided that because of the annual Chile party at the home of some friends of Sarah's that I would try to maximize the cardio beforehand. I ended up doing two back-to-back elliptical routines. I was on for a total of 68 minutes and burned about 870 calories. My energy level was really amped. I could have easily gone for 30 more minutes, but decided to get to the lifting.

sidebar: my hip flexor now feels a bit strained. I'll be icing it tonight. May be skipping out on the gym tomorrow. Don't want to make it worse and not be able to spin on Tuesday and Thursday.

C and I did the full suite of upper and lower body machines before calling it quits and heading over to the One World for a much-needed post workout meal (green tea, mushroom & goat cheese omelette, and home fries with hot sauce).

Once dropped off at Sarah's place, I grabbed a quick shower and then she and I headed to the party (I did significantly better than I've done in previous years where food and alcohol consumption are concerned) to fraternize with the other revelers. I had the equivalent of about two drinks and one plate of nacho chips with cheese dip and guacamole (nothing at this party is conservative, so it's all about quantity control). Sarah, her friend M, and I all shared several bite-size desserts. The bite and nibble route is best with sweets, I find.

This morning Sarah and I met up with her parents at the City cafe for brunch then we headed north to the Owings Mills Mall so I could give S my opinion on which new frames she should buy. A quick trip to Trader Joe's later and I was dropped off at a light rail stop so I could make my way home.

Breakfast was huge so I just started to feel hungry again at about 4, where I ate some leftovers from yesterday's party. And that is it for indulgences this week. Am 4 pounds from interim goal and 10 pounds from true goal.

Meandering

The Mt. Vernon Book Festival is this weekend. Last night after a humble meal of pan sauteed tofu with scallions and portabellas and a third of a baked sweet potato, I set off 5 or 6 blocks due south for the event's first night.

Decaf coffee in hand and the "Julien's Jazz Cafe" playlist I made a year and a half ago blaring in my ears, I was the city I love so much. My new favourite hat--a brown newsboy cap--placed to a sophisticated,but not cocky angle gave me an arty air.

I had Charlie "Yardbird" Parker on the brain. Have taken to listening to podcasts while I work and a new find is "NPR Jazz Profiles" narrated by Nancy Wilson. I listened to the two-parter on Bird yesterday and I fell a little in love with him. I have a lot of Parker on the iPod, but I didn't really know his story. He was my age when he died. As is often the case, right when he was on the brink of big changes and wanting to make peace with his past.

Dizzy Gillespie recounted his last conversation with Charlie. He implored his friend to save him. Dizzy told him "Yard, no one can save you. You have to save yourself."

I feel a timid little poem trying to gather the courage to make itself known.

The Other Shoe

For days now I've had an unsinkable stone in my stomach. The feeling that I am forgetting bad news, or the uncanny understanding that I already know something horrible is coming, though I haven't been told. I keep realizing that tomorrow is the day my father died. last year. The memory of the days and their feeling has created a faux prescience of some other sorrow.

Autumnal Equinox

Welcome to my time of year...

Grammatique!

You Scored an A

You got 10/10 questions correct. It's pretty obvious that you don't make basic grammatical errors. If anything, you're annoyed when people make simple mistakes on their blogs. As far as people with bad grammar go, you know they're only human. And it's humanity and its current condition that truly disturb you sometimes.

The It's Its There Their They're Quiz

Busy

This week promises to be a fury of personal and professional activity. Big deliverables deadlines at the office, meetings to attend, and pages to process will keep me busy from about 7:30 to 5:30 every day.

Certain personal projects are taking shape and will require my attention in the evenings. I am meeting with a former prof for a cheap bite at the beginning of the week to discuss one of them.

Weekend was lovely. Home from Friday evening to Saturday night for a belated birthday celebration with my mom and sisters. We went to see "Titanic: The Musical" a la dinner theatre last night. It was a credible production, but obviously a bit of a downer, thematically. No way around it.

Woke up this morning at about 9:45, ate a quick meal, then headed to the gym for 40 minutes on the arc trainer and 35 minutes of lifting. Sarah and I met for a late lunch then I came back home and did very light grocery shopping. A quick dinner of tilapia filets (2) and cauliflower out of the way in short order, I did the resistance bands program I like to fit in every Sunday.

Finally finished "Roman Holiday"! I'll mail that back to Netflix and await the next offering.

Snaggletooth & The Blowhard

So, it would seem that if you are waiting around for a public transit vehicle (in two separate cases today, it was the light rail)--be it at 5:30 in the morning or 5:30 in the evening--that it is open season where the men of Baltimore are concerned.

I have taken to riding the bus to the light rail on most mornings because I feel just a bit uncomfortable walking that four or five blocks at 5:20 in the morning. I did it for nearly 3 months before I realized that I could make use of the very reliable bus that stops just in front of my apartment building and lets off right at the light rail stop.

In any case, there is a small crowd of about 4 or 5 others who are on this bus every morning--one is a gentleman who is always mindful to wish me a good morning.

Today he indicated that a) I should smile more

sidebar: Why are men always telling me that?

and that b) he would love to take me out for dinner sometime or maybe for a walk in the park.

I went with my default "let him down easy" excuse. "Thank you so much for asking, but I have someone." I have found that men categorically respect and accept this reason because it is not a rejection of them. It's just the circumstance. It also brooks no further discussion, so I find it to be the sharpest arrow in the quiver.

Anyway, it became clear to me, when he asked me out at 5:30 a.m., that this man is snaggletoothed, or is it just missing teeth? Anyway, for as respectful his delivery, I couldn't help but feel like "damn. Are we back to the toothless guys now?"

Dentally-challenged (and often drunk) men just love asking me out. After a handful of dates with men who are in possession of a full set, it's hard to face the fact that I'm still a favourite of the former.

Exactly 12 hours later another man, The Blowhard, put the moves on. I saw him for the first time yesterday when he gently reprimanded me for crossing the train tracks inappropriately. He complimented my smile. The moves. I pretended to call someone on my cell to dissuade him from trying to make conversation.

Today he was more forward. I assessed that I needed to not regress to my old ways (being entirely too closed off to everything), so I decided to let him engage. What was immediately clear is that he wanted to discuss himself. To be fair, he's kind of funny (but tries too hard and is too self-impressed) and is obviously smart. Still not interested.

When I disembarked he called out "If I see you tomorrow I'm going to ask you to lunch."

I said "Okay; I may not say yes, though."

Something I learned from my brief stint of intentional dating is that you don't need to say yes to everything in order to confirm to yourself that you're really not interested. Being open doesn't mean second guessing your assessment of certain scenarios.

i've been a little bored lately

so i decided to shake things up. details will emerge, here and there, over the course of the next several months.

On Train wrecks and overcast days

I try to refrain from commenting, except for the occasional remark in passing to a friend, on Britney Spears' life, but in light of the buzz surrounding her performance at the MTV Music Video Awards, I feel compelled to offer my two cents.

I watched the clip of her much-maligned showing on the music channel's site and I have to say that I'm not sure why it's been trashed everywhere from CNN.com to The Baltimore Sun. The decision is unanimous. Every reporter, arm chair entertainment pundit, and friend (or relative) of mine agrees. Before I saw the 4 minute "train wreck," I heard that it was "disgusting," "terrible," and "so awful." I didn't hear (or read) a single reference to Britney's opener without reading how pudgy, fat, or bloated she looked. This one number has the world agreeing--Britney's career is over for good, that there's no coming back, that she can't even lip sync for goodness' sake.

Sarah Silverman, crude individual that she is, was particularly vicious in her summation of Spears' routine. The comedienne called B's children "adorable mistakes," and assessed that Britney, at the age of 25, had already accomplished everything she was ever going to accomplish in her life. Then there were some other references which were so vile, that well, it's best to forget them.

Anyway, I couldn't wait to get home so I could see what the entire country was on about.

Here's what I saw:

A lackluster, hackneyed, overtly sexual performance by a girl who has made a series of bad choices. There was nothing original about the concept (but then again, I always think that skimpy clothing and stip tease moves are a copout), and she did seem to be out of sync, but it wasn't "embarassing," and while I recall a significantly more toned girl than the one who was on stage, she isn't so out of shape that the outfit was out of the question. Incidentally, everyone has jumped on the "she's so wobbly, she's so fat" bandwagon. Is no one examining the message behind that? I mean, it's mean-spirited, relentless commentary about the girl's weight, which I'm sorry, is not that out of hand.

From where I sat, there was on "problem" with her performance. I was simply bored by it. If I hadn't heard that it was awful, I'm not sure I would have known it was supposed to be.

Maybe I'm missing something?

I think that the last several failed magazine interviews she's had are far more scandalous and indicative of real trouble than last night's showing. Her shenanigans haven't really elicited much pity from me in the past, but this current assessment of her does.

It doesn't seem fair.

Back to Normal

Started feeling back to normal by Friday evening. Thank goodness this was just one of those 36-hour things (and it did not morph into a sore throat, which I just can't stand). Over-the-counter meds, orange juice, and sleep did the trick.

Managed to exercise both yesterday (elliptical and spin!) and today (elliptical, lifting, and resistance bands), which will help set the tone for the week. The eating was not so virtuous. I won't get into it.

All set to go back to work and tackle some deliverables. Had a realization today. It's all going to just keep flying by. . . every Sunday night I feel a twinge of uncertainty. I ask myself if I'll be able to pull "it" off again this week (whatever "it" is), and the truth is the days fly, regardless of what's on my plate. I blink and they're gone. This is not to say that some weeks aren't more challenging than others, or that some days don't seem to move slowly, but in retrospect, it's always gone too quickly.

The last year of my life is already an airy memory, though it was filled with ponderous stuff. Just gone. And whatever it is that I was worried about, well, it either worked itself out or went away. So I'll just take this M-F as it comes. Here's to "it," whatever that may be.

Under the Weather

In spite of the fact that I felt the implications of a bad cold as early as Wednesday night, I still attended an out of town business meeting yesterday. I'm working from home today, trying to recuperate from aches, pains, sinus pressure, and general malaise. it doesn't help at all that the water is off b/c the plumber is working on my building's pipes. what i wouldn't give for a shower.

i want to venture out for some orange juice (the one thing i forgot yesterday during my brief shopping trip to 7-11 where i picked up diet ginger ale, chicken soup, and tissue), but i'd really like to bathe first. have a small appetite, which is good. i ate a hearty bowl of cheerios this morning.

34!

I have lovely people in my life. The morning began with a scrumptuous almond amaretto cake (not pictured here) courtesy of my boss. I ate a conservative slice (after spin class--ha!) The 6.5 hours I spent at work were evenly productive, then it was home for a few hours of low key e-mail returning and getting ready for the small dinner party I planned. Sadly, Sarah could not be there (nasty upper respiratory infection), but I gathered with V, M, E, and C at the City Cafe.

Other than a glass of wine and the divine chocolate cake with chocolate butter cream frosting and raspberries, I had a half size house salad with grilled chicken on top (fat free dressing on the side). Two slices of cake aside, this was a great day for fruits and vegetables (and exercise), so I have no food remorse, which is a good thing.

Thanks to my friends' thoughtfulness, I have a gift card (Target!), dessert plates and crisp white coffee mugs, a digital scale that calculates not only weight but BMI and fat percentage (it was on my wish list), and candles (you can really never have too many, in my opinion). To commemorate the event for them, I made a "Kate's 34" mix cd complete w/ cover art (some assembly required).

So, another year... yeah. Good times.

3 days to 34

so i am fast approaching my mid-30s. this year definitely yielded some sadness, some surprises, and some success.

My 33rd birthday was the last time i ever heard my father's voice. He died twenty days later.

Roughly six months after my 33rd, i was kissed for the first time in 16 years. The man who had the honour was the first mutual, romantic attraction of my life. Even though that dalliance did not evolve into a relationship, it heralded the coming of a new era--the era of men being captivated by something other than my intellect.

A month before i turned 33 i accepted the most fulfilling job of my adult life.

3 months after my 33rd, i finished the Masters program at JHU.

And now, today, with just 3 days left of this year, i am 20 pounds lighter than i was at this time last year. Just about 10 more to go before i hit my milestone.

headed in the right direction

today was better than i thought it would be. in spite of not wanting to work out this morning, i dragged my sleepy self to the gym at the normal time. i decided to forego my lifting routine after 40 minutes on the elliptical in favor of hitting the ground running at work. good choice. i'm going to end the week in an advantageous position--some deliverables out a bit early, others ready to submit early the morning after Labor Day.

Speaking of September 4th, I'm looking forward to spinning bright and early on my 34th birthday. I can't think of a better way to begin that day or a better gift to give myself.

I've been off balance the last couple of days, but I'm coming to a familiar conclusion. I need to loosen my grip, breathe, and wait. Whatever disappointments I have, it's time to release them. To my quote my beloved Rilke:

Who has no house now,will never build one.
Who is alone now, will long remain so,
will stay awake, read, write long letters
and will wander restlessly up and down
the tree-lined streets, when the leaves are drifting.

coming together

after the football game that wasn't (pouring rain, a delayed kick-off in the rain, etc.) meant that my good friend E and I ate exhorbitantly priced stadium food and stood around for a couple of hours at FedEx Field. I know the seats were stellar and it was a chance to see the team I grew up rooting for battle the team that represents the town I feel like I'm from, but it just wasn't to be. E and I agreed that if we'd had rain coats (or even just been wearing long pants), it might have been worth it to sit in the rain. I, however, was wearing a denim skirt that stopped just at the knee, a flimsy cardigan set on top, and chunky Mary Janes. Believe me, it was cute, but it wasn't going to cut it in that weather.

E dropped me off at Sarah's (she was supposed to attend the game, too, but didn't feel well) afterward where I spent the night. After a grocery run this morning, S and I parted ways so I could get to the gym and then come back home to do my laundry (3 sizeable loads).

Thankfully, while I was out at the gym the window repairman came and fixed my bathroom window. I haven't been able to open it for a month. Whatever the mechanism is that holds a window up once it's lifted, was broken. Having that window open means an effective cross breeze, which alleviates, at least at night, the mugginess in this place (no a/c except for the bedroom).

As soon as he left (I got back before he was finished), I did my resistance bands routine and started laundry. With that done in short order, I set about preparing a prawn salad over mixed greens for dinner. Once it was ready to be enjoyed, I popped in "North By Northwest"--love Hitchcock--and relaxed.

Near the end of the movie I got restless. I got up and started tidying and dusting. I purged some papers, did my toenails, and rearranged a little furniture. I think having a cup of coffee at 4 in the afternoon may have been a bit late, caffeine-wise.

Tomorrow morning I am working out at home (early business meeting will be less complicated if I skip the gym scene). I thought about giving myself the day off, but given that my gym is closed Thursday though Labor Day (annual cleaning), I really shouldn't skip any workouts. Saturday, Sunday, and Monday it's just not likely that I'll get in my cardio fix, so I should save up for the slacking that is part and parcel of a holiday.

Have a great week everyone!

On the Scene

What I love about working out at my gym (aside from its proximity to my j-o-b) is that it has a friendly staff who beam at you when you bop in at 6 am (when the doors open), and how congenial all the squash players that flock there are. The typical squash player at MMAC is a middle-aged, white, businessman who needs to get in his raquet fix before he hits the grind. They line up, along with me, outside the doors at 5:57, coffee in one hand, suit for postworkout on a drycleaner hanger in the other--plotting their matches for the week. I like these men. I like that they hold doors for me (and each other) and smile. I like that "you're-in-the-gym-first-thing-in-the-morning-just-like-me nod" that they bless me with.

And for the gentlemen who are there rocking the elliptical or the spin bike (depending on the day) like me, I get the smiles and waves that say "we're all in it together." There's one man who says "have a good one" when I head off to lift after the elliptical dismount. Our smiles of acknowledgment are so sincere; I don't even know when these little exchanges began, but this man has such a kind face, I look forward to catching his eye just so I can say hi.

I want to make sure I'm giving you an accurate picture--this is not a meat market. This isn't about the old "once over." Any of these men could be my father (or grandfather). We're seeing each other at our sweaty bests, though, and that creates a feeling of fraternity.

A couple of the women that I see in the locker room or in spin are complete gems. They're all about the validation. One of them said to me the other day "Good morning, Skinny!" And on another occasion, I heard, as I was getting dressed: "All your clothes are too big!"

This fitness center draws all kinds--young and old; the wealthy and the decidedly middle class; men and women (and children--there's a kids care room where parents can deposit their little ones while they take classes or use the machines). The diverse class offerings are part of the monthly membership (except for advanced pilates), and you don't even have to be a member to do water aerobics (there's just a 5-dollar drop in fee).

If you're in the City of Charm and are looking for a place to tone up or slim down, definitely consider it.

length

I had a hair appointment today for the first time in about a month. I canceled the last two due to short funds and because they weren't absolutely necessary. I'm amazed at the length I've gained in such a short while (I attribute it to drinking more water and eating better, in general)! I had this idea that I would get it cut short short in 10 more pounds (when I reach my "interim goal"), but my stylist told me how much she admired it and how healthy it's looking. She reminded me that I can always cut my hair, but that if I'm enjoying it long, I should let it do its thing for a while--and then, before transitioning to my short, short look, I should play with different cuts of various lengths. She mentioned a bob (something funky and angular). I got very very excited.

So, when I go back in a month, it'll be all about fresh highlights.

another way to get in the workout

i just scrubbed my kitchen floor on my hands and knees. i'm sorry to say it needed it. Swiffer gets props for reinventing the mop concept, but sometimes it's elbow grease or nothing.

"4 reps left . . ."

resistance bands first thing, then a breakfast of 1 tilapia filet and a quarter baked yam w/ 1/2 serving of brummel & brown (yogurt based "butter" substitute). now? getting ready for church.

Anatomy of a Saturday

6:55: Wake up; Contemplate a pre-workout meal

7:10: Attired in workout gear; eat a rice cake with a peanutbutter shmear (sp?) while watching part of an "Office" season 1 epi

7:30: At the lightrail waiting for a north-bound train

8:05: Enter the gym; mount an elliptical

9:00: Dismount elliptical; begin a truncated lifting routine

9:51: Back home; shower; consider post-workout meal

12:00: Leave to meet Sarah in Lutherville

1:00: Amble around Kohl's with the Sarah-one; find really amazing purse and chunky necklace that I cannot afford--do not buy these items, but do buy way discounted sunglasses; get in the car and head to points even further north

1:45: Sushi at Wegman's (brown rice spicy salmon roll)

2:30: Greetings and Readings Book store to read magazines (quizzes and celebrity gossip!)

2:35: Ponder the deevolution of Britney Spears; Realize, again, that Brad Pitt &Angelina Jolie are deflecting intimacy [with each other] by compulsively adopting children from all over the world; Read of Jill Scott's divorce and think "a woman still has to choose between personal, professional success and the success of her relationships."

4-ish: Head to target so S can buy lip liner and mascara

4:30-ish: Realize that I'm hungry and need to eat like right then!

5 or so: Tide over snack while pondering a real meal

6:00: Drive to Canton and settle on a placed called "Dockside"

6:45: come to the conclusion that while I would go there again, I wish I had gotten something other than the softshell crab

7:30: hunt around for the perfect vantage point from which to photograph the Domino Sugar sign (do not find said vantage point)

8:00: Back home; prep for bill-pay this week; blog a bit; switch out check register; putter about
10:08: blog again; contemplate church tomorrow; realize that I am peckish; consider doing resistance bands DVD routine first thing in the morning as opposed to evening, as per usual on a Sunday. . .

Here's Another

opposite sides of the table

the day that started off great but got progressively worse

i woke up this morning at 5 a.m., as per usual. i felt a remarkable ease settle over me almost immediately. it was still pitch black outside, i wasn't even dressed, but felt that this tuesday had all the makings of greatness about it.

i got to spin class and hit the zone so hard and so fast that you couldn't have told me i wasn't one with my fly-wheel. i pushed through the resistance. i killed in position three. i sprinted. i jumped. and it didn't even affect me.

a lovely, thoughtful communique from my boss put me in an even more wonderful mood--today is my one-year anniversary at the company and she wanted to let me know she remembered. tremendous.

several hours later and i have to say that while i am maintaining perspective, i do not believe that i am still within the same 24-hour period--the same date on the calendar as when i opened my eyes in a state of sheer bliss this morning.

some plans of mine were rescheduled. again. in general, something i've been hoping for has not happened and i have no reason to think it will. ever. and what is more, snags in a project of mine are making me feel less than great about the efforts i've been putting forth--though i feel like i'm killing myself to be great, somehow these efforts are not translating.

it's been a long time since i've felt like crying, throwing up my hands.

the latest issue of O Magazine arrived. I took the Schema test. It looks like a case of Abandonment and Unrelenting Standards plague my relationships. No kidding.

this is to say nothing of the random bit of skin that i somehow sliced off my thumb (i have no idea how this happened), or the fact that i forgot my mesh sponge and body wash, so i had to rely on the gym's soap for my shower this morning...)

because it's too hot to wear anything else

i'm in my apartment sporting a pair of boxers and a camisole. after work today i waded out into that humid soup to make a quick run to the grocery store. i debated getting a cheeseburger from the City Cafe (calorie-wise i could have afforded it), but have put a strict spending limit on myself for the foreseeable future. i opted to pick up some chicken, diced tomatoes, and brown rice because it would a)sate m hunger without being indulgent and b)yield leftovers for lunch. there's a time and a place for indulgence and today, i felt, was not that time.

nothing much is new. i'm coming upon my one year anniversary at work, am in the throes of a big project. time marches on.

A little melancholy

there is a moment of exultation and extreme sadness, comingled, when i leave the office for the day and walk to the light rail stop to wait for the train that will bear me home. i think 'my time is my own for the next 12 hours.' the evening is spread out before me like a table. then, right on its heels, i realize that i know everything i'm going to do. enter my apartment building at approximately 5:57 p.m.; check the mail; take the elevator to my floor; open the mail; fling down my gym bag and remove the day's workout clothes and accoutrements; prepare a low-cal, low-fat dinner; watch sitcoms in syndication . . .

there is a bit of a reprieve when i have evening plans, but the absence of actual possibility on five nights out of seven is rather like a dull knife thrust in the heart.

then, of course, it is summer in the mid-Atlantic. it is August in the mid-Atlantic. in addition to being unbearably hot, it is also, this year, the beginning of the first anniversary of 3 deaths (in close succession)my family suffered last year.

i remember what those unsuspecting days were like. just like these.

i sense a theme

You Are a Chocolate Cake

Fun, comforting, and friendly. You are a true classic, and while you're not super cutting edge, you're high quality. People love your company - and have even been known to get addicted to you.

What Kind of Cake Are You?

divit

today i found (and used) the weight machine that targets the small of the back. i think it's my new best friend.

refrigerator snafu

so, i bring home a bounty of produce yesterday morning, right?

about an hour or so after, i notice that my refrigerator just does not feel cold enough. this is the refrigerator of arctic blastedness. i mean, there's a trouble spot in this fridge that i've learned to avoid--a spot wherein things will freeze if they get anywhere near it. this is my 3rd fridge in this apartment so i wasn't about to complain. the others never got cold enough and i lost food, so while some items get ruined if they freeze, it's the lesser of the two evils.

anyway, yesterday there was visible condensation on condiment jars and cartons. my goods were sweating inside the fridge. so not good. i turned up the temperature to 9--the coldest level.

after a couple of hours the situation seemed to right itself.

not so fast there, happy ending girl.

i come home tonight to a refrigerator with several frozen items (though, not all), including a good bit of my produce. i'm doing everything i can to salvage it, but some of those beautiful fruits and vegetables may not come back.

rise & shine

You Are Eggs

Traditional and totally grown up, you truly believe that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. You don't skimp on nutrition or quality. You're likely to take the time to make yourself a decent meal each morning. You're a great cook, even if you aren't a showy one. You can make a feast out of simple ingredients. The food you eat may be basic, but you prefer to think of it as classic.

What Kind of Breakfast Are You?

What's On My Mind These Days?

Who to vote for in the primary Baltimore Mayoral Election on September 11th, that's what.

Other than that, the weightloss effort marches on. Steady as she goes. I'm now about 4 pounds lighter than I was when I capped on the loss goal two years ago. That's about a total of a 12-pound loss (maybe a little more. I only know from when I started officially weighing myself this go 'round) in the last two months. My goal for the coming week is to lose 2 pounds. I'm working out harder and lifting more, so my appetite has increased. I'm hoping to sate it with all the beautiful, affordable produce I bought this morning.

Had an oddly politically-themed dream the other night. I was the omniscient observer at a Hillary Clinton rally. Nothing but screaming blondes shouting her name and I distinctly remember being afraid that she'd get elected.

Many know I've been a registered 'R' for the last 7 or so years, but if I had to vote today, I'd give the nod to Obama. I guess dating Mr. Close Encounters opened me up to black men in every arena (tongue firmly in cheek).

speaking of black men, I am suddenly finding Terrence Howard to be incredibly attractive.

raising the game

as of tonight, i will be doing a strengthening and sculpting program in the evenings on tuesdays and thursdays. i'm trying not to overwhelm myself, but the way i figure it is that the last thing i can let my body do is get complacent, accustomed to the routines i've adopted.

i'm thinking that next week i might do another mini detox just to shock my system.

more on the writing out of desires. to be explicit about it, i want to reach my goal weight more than i want to be successful at work (and i want that very much) and more than i want to be in a dating relationship (i want that more on some days than others--sometimes not at all).

Write it!

Today I took some time to write down the things I want. I have found that the physical act of writing out my desires, articulating them to myself, helps me understand what it is that I'm actually hoping for. Nothing magical or weird in it. Just telling myself what I need to know in order to move forward.

Sidebar: Could the weather be any more gorgeous than it is right now? What a generous lack of humidity!

Key to the City

for two days this little gem to the left bought me countless rides on the CTA and the "L" as I traversed the downtown area and surrounding outliers in search of the perfect Chicago hot dog, the best authentic deep dish pizza, and overpriced (and delicious) cocktails at the top of "Big John" (the Hancock building). I saw "the Chi" from land (mini tour bus), Lake Michigan (boat tour), public transportation (see photo), and from above (sky scrapers galore). thanks to Sarah's and Amy's collective willingness and ability to read a map, by God, we covered some major ground in that town.

It is such a tremendously friendly place! I've never cared much for the thought of the midwest (it, as a region, just does not interest me), but Chicago is bringing a lot to the table. I'd go back for another visit and hit up some jazz spots or something (we just couldn't fit that in with everything else!). On Saturday, we took in a Second City matinee (the company where most SNL players and other famous comedians get their start). Hilarious!

The best thing from this time? One of our tours took us very near (it was not on the main drag of our tour, but a street or so over) where the St. Valentine's Day Massacre (Al Capone) took place. It was the one thing I really wanted to hear about! To commemorate, Sarah bought me a shot glass with reduxes of headlines about the gangster. I talked myself out of buying a flask with scarface's likeness on it. What on earth would I have actually done with that? If I'd had money to burn, I might have been able to justify it, but it seemed better to enjoy the idea but leave the actual souvenir at the store.

Your Psyche is Yellow

You have a ton of energy - both physical and mental endurance. You are rational and logical, and you can help almost anyone think clearly. Optimistic and bright, you also have a secret side that's a little darker. When you are too yellow: You will do anything to get your way, and no one will be the wiser When you don't have enough yellow: you lack confidence, drive, and humor

What Color Is Your Psyche?

happiness is finding your chocolate brown beret

it was at Sarah's house, in the second bedroom where I always sleep. it's probably been there for months. had i not been helping her organize her gift bags and boxes, i wouldn't have seen it. more specifically, had i not missed when i attempted to toss one box
on top of another (which meant having to bend down to pick up said box), i wouldn't have found it tucked into a corner between some other stuff.

this happens to me a lot. some beloved item slips into a crevice or mysteriously disappears. i make my peace with it, with its loss, and in the midst of some mindless task, i find it there waiting. i especially have good fortune with cherished hats.

in celebration of its return to me, i wore it for a good five minutes. even in this heat.

have i said too much? there's nothing more i can think of to say to you. . .

latte quiz

What Your Latte Says About You

You don't treat yourself very often. You find that indulging doesn't jibe with your very disciplined life. You can be quite silly at times, but you know when to buckle down and be serious. Intense and energetic, you aren't completely happy unless you are bouncing off the walls. You're totally addicted to caffeine... but you like to pretend like you aren't! You are responsible, mature, and truly an adult. You're occasionally playful, but you find it hard to be carefree. You are dramatic and intense, but you are never moody.

What Does Your Latte Say About You?