Generosity: The Spoken Word

after work today i ran some errands. i went off in search of birthday presents and did some light shopping on my way back home. blueberries for 2.99 a pint--unheard of when they're in season--two champagne mangoes, two white peaches, smoked salmon (2 half pints), and other items that will see me solidly through next week (I already have some tilapia filets, tofu, etc.) I really just need to pick up some fresh spinach, mixed greens, and grape tomatoes, and I'll be set.

In between the present search and the groceries I was stopped by a self-proclaimed spoken word artist who wanted to know if he could "anoint" me with his verse. It took me a few seconds to wipe the smirk off my face. He told me upfront that he accepts donations--whatever his listeners think best--for his work. I had only one bill in my wallet and I made up my mind that I would give it to him (it was either that or a piece of gum). He proceeded to read to me from a rumpled, handwritten notebook page. I closed my eyes just as I would have done at a poetry reading. I closed my eyes to keep from feeling foolish for standing there while this man, this stranger, sought legitimization from me, his audience of one. Once I decided to let myself receive his offering, I had to rid myself of judgment which meant ridding myself of self-consciousness. I sensed that this was a delicate moment, so I told him "I'm smiling because I'm a poet--I understand what you're talking about." Ridding myself of judgment meant Identifying myself with this person I was tempted to be annoyed by. I needed to align myself with him for this small moment because he picked me, for whatever reason (He literally called out to me--I hadn't crossed his path.), to hear him. So he began.

I won't critique the work; what he said wasn't the point. That is not meant to indicate that his poem wasn't good; It is not to say that it was.

I told him I appreciated it, that I was glad to have heard it. Then I withdrew my donation and extended it to him. He received it in the spirit with which I gave it. I saw him moving to kiss my cheek, so I proffered my face, and allowed the familiar gesture, in spite of my reservation.

I once read that acknowledgment may well be the first point of generosity, and while I think that point has tremendous merit, I think that openness precedes acknowledgment.

It's mostly impossible to recognize the gift element of an interaction while you're in it, but sometimes you can. I stopped because I was compelled to pay attention, because that poem (a celebration of femininity, incidentally) was appointed for me at that time and that place. If I was able to step beyond the confines of my own agenda, it wasn't purely for this man's benefit. I think I'm the one who took more away from it.

The Sunshine State . . .

is hot, in case you were wondering. The last time I was here I was eight, which means it was 1981. My uncle and his then girlfriend took me, her daughter, and another kid (whose name and affiliation I forget) to Walt Disney World. It's got me thinking. I could have no more conjectured that someday I would be back, as a woman in her early 30s, on a business trip than I could have conjectured that someday, as an 8-year-old, I would be at the Magic Kingdom. There's something so mysterious about how and why we end up in certain places at certain times under certain circumstances.

I should be back in the city that I love, where I chronicle my life--my heartbreaks and triumphs--tomorrow night. Business as usual on Friday morning.

For a number of reasons, the workout just couldn't happen this morning, but tomorrow is looking good. Two ellipticals in the exercise room here!

Even more, I've been eating very reasonably since I got here--and less!

irrationality, thy name is Kate!

i won't get into it. i'll just say that my mind can take me on some real benders. am headed to points south for business from tomorrow afternoon through thursday night. will likely blog while away, but wanted to touch base before my flight. have a project with a slightly tight deadline. good thing i'll be back in the office on friday morning to square it away.

the good news is that the hotel has an exercise facility so though i'll only spin once this week (trip departure date got moved to tomorrow so that eliminates wednesday morning class--which is probably a blessing. i don't need to injure myself in a fit of zeal.) i don't have to miss a single workout (save for the weekend, which i've already planned on account of S's birthday).

i'm hanging in there, making good choices, and seeing some results. good deal. irrational thinking aside.

Culture

Saw two small, regional theatrical productions this weekend--last night was Steve Martin's "Picasso at the Lapin Agile" at the Chesapeake Arts Center and this afternoon, Neil LaBute's "Fat Pig" at the Spotlighter's Theatre here in Mt. Vernon. Each was charming, funny, and intimate. "Picasso" conjectures what might have happened, historically, had Einstein, Picasso, and Elvis all crossed paths at the small French tavern (the Lapin Agile). "Fat Pig" is about a man who falls for a significantly overweight woman, and all the resulting turmoil in his friendships.

After today's show, there was a "talk back" with the actors--a time to ask questions, voice opinions, and hear the players' perspectives on their roles.

Sarah and I hit the City Cafe for an early dinner (and I have to admit, I indulged and shared an order of fried calamari with her--because it is one of my favourite things in life), but only ate about one third of the Bodie Salad in addition (dried cranberries, apricots, walnuts, and bleu cheese over spinach and mixed greens, w/ fat-free raspberry vinaigrette).

Oh, and I did verify my cumulative weightloss for the week. The final tally is 4 pounds.

Developments

nothing much to report, but I did go to the office this morning, briefly, to wrap up a few things that were left undone yesterday by close of business. afterward, I headed to the gym to put in 45 minutes on the elliptical, then did some abs and obliques work.

have heard that the trip next week is extended into Friday. Nice and busy and out of the realm of what is usual, something I welcome, the more and more I think about it. Just really hope now more than ever that I can get in some exercise while I'm away, because next weekend is Sarah's birthday and I just know I won't be making it to the gym on Saturday or Sunday.

one final scrap for the day: it might be 3 pounds, not two. I'll verify on S's scale tomorrow morning.

I'm going to go and start The Kite Runner before meeting up with S for sushi and then the theatre.

2 pounds, baby!

As of this morning, I'm down two pounds from last week (a total of 5, I believe). That's my good news for the time being.

On other fronts, what a great weekend this is turning out to be! I got together, somewhat spontaneously, with my friend Kim, her husband, and their adorable son for dinner down at Harborplace. Because I am cash poor,they treated, which was so wonderfully generous. Kim's good example was awesome, because I followed her lead and ordered a very delicious, healthful meal full of all the good things I like to eat--salmon, avocado, and grilled vegetables over verdant lettuce leaves. I had water to drink.

But even more wonderful than the meal, was seeing someone I care about so much, and on a Friday night--when I am usually socially bereft. The added bonus is that since the harbor is walking distance (a hearty distance, but walkable all the same)from my apartment, I got in some exercise after dinner.

Tomorrow, I'm going to the office first thing in the morning to try to finish up a few things and then going to the gym when it opens at 8 for a cardio fix. Tomorrow night, I'm seeing a play with friends, and then on Sunday Sarah and I will see another play at a small theatre in my neighborhood.

It's really good for me to be busy right now. Keeps my mind off other stuff...

Week in Review

My sister Caryl came in on Tuesday evening and left this morning, with me, at about twenty after five. She has a gig at her school tomorrow and ride logisitics dictated that she leave earlier than she'd planned. She still would have gone home today, but not until the late afternoon or evening, while I was at work. This way I got to hug her good-bye when we parted ways at the corner of St. Paul and Preston (she to the train station, I to the light rail).

She went into work with me for a couple of hours on Wednesday then left to hook up with some friends she met through the job she had in the summers of '05 and '06. Last night, after her class, Catchka graced us with her presence. I love seeing people in the middle of the week.

The workouts have been consistently good and I've kept to my plan to abstain from even small food indulgences this week (wars are won and lost in the tiniest moments/over the most seemingly insignifcant decisions) and I feel that it has made a real difference. I'm up to 45 minutes (including cool down) on the elliptical and spin continues to be rewarding. This morning we did 10 minutes completely out of the saddle, 10 minutes of jumps, and 10 minutes of concentrated saddle work. The intensity was perfect. I need to keep reaching new heights and pushing myself beyond what's comfortable.

In other news, a new project is starting at work, and at the same time some other things with which I've been helping are wrapping up--not to be overly melancholy--but the cyclical nature of all this is making me feel, well, sad and philosophical.

Speaking of work, I'll be on travel in the middle of next week. I'm grateful that there'll be something different to break up the monotony of my days. I'm hoping July is a dream. Since I won't be back in town until Thursday night, I'm going to spin on Tuesday and Wednesday mornings next week (it's just an overnight jaunt). Maybe the hotel will have an exercise facility so I don't have to skip the workout completely on Thursday morning. If not, it's okay. I'll just make that day an off day and pick up on Friday.

Bereft

I cannot find my signature chocolate brown beret...

I'm living the highly ordered life of one who has suffered an emotional setback and that order is the means of negotiating the disappointment that has resulted. A lot of it has to do with the weightloss effort. It requires a lot of forethought and planning to shop for and cook the most calorically-effective meals, to coordinate my gym schedule (which days will be cardio, which days lifting, which days both), etc. I do very well when I have a project to coordinate. It's both a gift and a coping mechanism.

The truth is that I still feel so cast adrift, and when I feel cast adrift, I need to coordinate a global effort. Disappointment is a great motivator for me. It heightens my already significant desire to keep things going, running smoothly, happening, at all costs. Any curve ball I'm thrown is tantamount to a challenge issued to attack an even more formidable foe, take on a heartier battle than the one I lost.

Once again I have turned my loving attention to my own best interests. I have a set of reasonable goals that I fully intend to achieve--another solitary journey--much like the last time I took my life and my body into my own hands and created something different and noble from the ashes of a devastating experience. It is also much like last fall when I wrestled with my thesis, and realized, again, that I am fundamentally alone. Not without support or friendship or love or God's provision, but alone with this thing I have to figure out, alone on this path. There is a point past which no other person can go--you've got to take some [excruciating] steps all by yourself.

So. I am doing a lot of list writing and thinking and articulating my hours and minutes on sheets of paper to keep myself sane--to give the impression of busyness--though my hyper organized hours leave nothing to chaos. And in that way, heighten the sense of loss I feel.

The biggest problem in my world right now is that my phone will not come on if it's not hooked up to its charger. Not sure what happened, but the problem has persisted for hours. Other than this snag, it's been a tremendously productive day.

My sisters came over last night (this morning, more like) at 1 a.m. so we could all be together for part of father's day--we wanted to spend time remembering our dad together. They left at a little before 9 this morning (we didn't go to sleep until 3:30 or so) because Crystal had plans with her husband and his family.

Soon after they were gone, I went to the grocery store and did a pretty big shop. I managed to get to the gym for a 45-minute session on the elliptical, did some abs, obliques, and lateral/delts work, then came back home to begin a marathon cooking session. It's going to be hella hot all week, and if I can arrange my life such that I don't have to use the oven or the stove much at all till next weekend, that would be fine with me.

Apparently, once I got going, I could not be stopped, because I also did my laundry, dewinterized my closets (put away all thermal overshirts, cable knit sweaters, scarves, hats, and gloves), changed a light bulb in one closet, threw some stuff away, prepared a bag of things to give to my sister Caryl (if she doesn't want them, they'll also get tossed), and prepared my gym bag for tomorrow morning so I won't have to take too much time with all that at 5 a.m.

Caryl is actually coming back to my place on Tuesday night (after a gig) and is staying through Thursday morning, so I'll get a bit more time with her before the summer starts full force. I have a feeling it's going to be a busy one...

I love the guys who run out and rake the dirt...

Once again the Os managed to let victory elude them. The Diamondbacks scored 5 runs in the unbearably long 8th inning. The Birds were up by 3, then just let it all go. Pathetic.

The fireworks afterward were impressive, though.

Yesterday was ideal...

sometimes I wish I was independently wealthy so I could have days like this all the time. Waking up to go exercise, then trotting off to have a day in the city with a dear friend. I could also be a true patron the arts and good causes with my money.

In any case, after a rewarding spin class, I went back to my apartment to get ready to head down to DC. Devika and I met up very near the Tapas restaurant (Jaleo) where we were going for lunch. She looked so amazing and chic, not to mention happy. We spread out our meal over a good two-hour stretch. It was all very European. I budgeted for a more rich food intake, so yesterday's breakfast was appropriately light. And because we shared everything, I still felt like it was reasonable, calorically-speaking. My main concern, though, was to enjoy my friend and the ritual of breaking bread (I did avoid the actual bread basket). We even got dessert (also shared)! Because we took our time, I didn't eat again for the rest of the day (I was fine, believe me) until right before bed (I had one laughing cow cheese wedge--a mere 35 calories--because I was peckish).

We also walked around a bit and went pen shopping! D has a real pen fetish, so I needed her to school me. I ended up purchasing a lovely brown and copper Retro 51! It writes like a dream.

Did the cross country program on the elliptical (45 minutes!) again this morning. A nice 480 calories burned and I'm in a great mood! Tonight, there's an Os game. I refuse to eat stadium food, so I've planned to have a little something right at around 5 before I leave to stave off the hunger and any resulting cravings for a fat-laden hot dog.

Bibliotechque

I got seven books from the library last night. I'm starting with Tolstoy Lied: A Love Story by Rachel Kadish. I'm pleased that I'll have something to read when I'm at the salon tonight. Of course, if things proceed in an ironic vein, I probably won't have a real wait time at all and so will get no reading done... That's okay. There's always the train tomorrow.

Looks like I got home just in time...

So, I get home today at about 6, as usual. I see my washcloth and towel on the bathroom floor, where I know I didn't leave it. 'That's curious,' I thought. So I walked into the bathroom to pick them up, when it dawns on me that I hear water running...

Here's what I figure happened. A freakishly strong storm wind blew in from the window, knocked over both of my vanilla pillar candles; one (at least) of which hit the hot water knob; and simultaneously blew one of my cleaning gloves into the drain, in effect, turning it into a stopper. 10 minutes later and this would have been a real, er, problem...

Thursday cannot come soon enough...

for that is when I head south (just an hour) to celebrate with Devika the completion and successful defense of her Ph.D dissertation. she's Dr. Devika now!

Slept strangely last night. A lot of tossing and turning and weird dreams. I still hauled myself from the bed at 5 to make it to spin on time. I took it a bit easier this time, but still got a good workout. Tomorrow I'll focus on lifting and will maybe do a truncated elliptical routine. Before I head down to the Nation's Capital, I'll spin again.

Tonight, I hit the library. There are so many books I want to try to get!

new to me!

sarah's downsizing, and i reaped the benefit. how long have i needed a dresser? too long!

You Are Lightning

Beautiful yet dangerous People will stop and watch you when you appear Even though you're capable of random violence You are best known for: your power Your dominant state: performing

What Type of Weather Are You?

Taking Care of Business...
Sarah drove me to the MVA first thing this morning so I could get my state ID renewed. The old one expired on March 17th--I wasn't aware of it until I flew to Boston on business last month. An airport staff member noticed, and I was put through a special security line. The staff at the airport on the way back home did not notice, but it was unnerving, having to wonder if it would be an issue. In any case, it was easy as pie and quick (I was the third person seen). I left with a new card, and if I do say so myself, the picture came out great! I did take the time to get dolled up this morning, I have to admit. I didn't want to have to live with a bad picture for the next five years.

Friday Night

Catherine and I did sushi at Minato in my neighborhood last night--tres yummy! We tried to go to see a movie on the fly, but we'd just missed the start of the one show we'd been interested in seeing, so we decided to wait to do it another time. Because of the weather and because I'd been extra good this week with food, we got ice cream. Decadent!

Fully restored...

I can now cross my left leg over my right and I can lift and move the formally afflicted limb in all ways without pain or aggravation. Spin City, baby!

"I would sit in my room because I didn't want to have to go out and see you walking by..."

Beginning in May, Baltimore has what is known as "First Thursdays." Free concerts that have food & beer stands, and other goodies and give aways. There's a wonderful feeling of community and summertime spirit.

I decided, because of my commitment to stay engaged with my life, that I would go. It's free and within walking distance of my apartment--the two factors that make my attendance at an event a no-brainer.

On the way there, I started to panic a bit. What if I saw him? It's usually crowded enough that it's entirely possible not to see anyone you know even if they are in attendance, but knowing my luck, if he were to be there and with someone (a woman), I would definitely see him. That's the way my life has gone in the past. I had a little PTSD experience. Seriously.

I made myself go anyway. I was late enough that there was no place to sit once I arrived. With my hip being on the mend, prolonged standing didn't seem like a good idea, but I was determined to stay at least a little while. I wasn't having fun (as was evidenced by the fact that my arms were folded tightly across my chest for the duration of my stay). Everytime I saw a guy who in any way reminded me of him, I jumped inside my skin. Completely tense.

You can't really enjoy a show with your fight or flight response system going haywire. I had to come to the simple conclusion that I'm just not ready. I'm not strong enough to chance running into him with another woman. I'm probably not strong enough to run into him under any circumstances right now, but especially not that one.

So I walked home.

I've made a deal with myself. Whatever happens, I have to be able to sleep at night. I cannot do anything to jeopardize the good things I'm trying to do for myself--can't be derailed by any ill-fated collisions with bad destiny. I felt stupid and like a real little weenie, but staying there just to prove I could seemed just as stupid as leaving because I was afraid of what I might find.

Halfway back to my place, I saw a friend of his on Charles Street--one that I met the night of our first date. I didn't realize who it was until I had passed the guy, but seeing that person cemented just how close a call it had likely been. I'd probably left just in time.

When you have an injury like a sprain, a strain, or a break, the only thing to do is stay off it until it's strong again. Over time, you're able to put greater amounts of pressure on it until full function is restored. But you can't rush it. That's crucial.

I'm living that lesson all over the place right now. So, I blog to you from the safety and the sanctity of my little haven, with ice on my upper thigh.

Good News

Out of necessity, it's been a very low-key workout week. I woke up yesterday morning with some soreness and stiffness in the afflicted area, so after work I iced my leg/hip for a good long time. This morning, at the gym, I did a very low-impact elliptical program for about 12 minutes (didn't want to push it), then I moved over to the spin bike that is in the general area of the gym. Wonder of wonders, it didn't hurt. I tried all of the positions and transitions and it was okay!

And what is more, I saw my spin instructor in the women's locker room. I told her what had happened and that I would be back next week, and she told me that even if I just came and took it easy (adding and subtracting resistance but ignoring the other instructions) that that would be fine. She didn't ask me why I hadn't been there, but I just needed her to know how much spin rocks my world and that I fully intended to be back in the saddle next week.

The hardest part about not dating right now is that the weather is consistently beautiful in the evenings. It's unfortunate that all of my dates, save the last two, were during cold weather when loneliness is somehow more palatable (though it's tough not to yearn for a warm body when you feel that first chill) and hibernation the norm. I'm not often lonely, and I guess I wouldn't say that I am lonely right now. There is the idea of someone specific that I miss, but it's not quite the same. But, the sun begs the presence of sexual tension, cocktails, walking out from some place cozy and romantic into a night that's just as hot as the day time. I guess there's no good time for a dalliance to end and no bad time for one to begin, but I feel old, suddenly, being home for the night by 6:00 p.m., having no plans.

In an effort to keep things interesting, I've decided that I want to start going to events that interest me, whether or not I have to go alone--in fact, I want to be intentional about going to things alone. The baby step is that I'll be going out to eat with only myself for company at least once a month during the summer. However much I might miss the perversely thrilling angst of wondering if a man will call, going out on dates is just not what's in store for me right now. I need to come to terms with some things about myself.

The two and a half months that I availed myself to the world of men and their strange ways will undoubtedly prove invaluable, even the ultmate disappointment that openness led to is priceless, and someday I'll be able to say I wouldn't trade it for anything. I'm not there yet.

Which is why it's good for me to be alone for a while.

Learning to Eschew the Straight Line

In all likelihood, it's my hip, not my quad, which makes much more sense given the particulars of my situation. Were it my quad I'm sure my movements would be even more restricted. I'm trying to see this hip strain as a gift, as an opportunity. I'm trying to see every inconvenience, every blip, every instance of what I am calling "strangeness" these days, as a chance to experience something I wouldn't have otherwise. I am taking the opportunity to focus on my upper body. I did a rotation of weight machines that worked the abs, obliques, lateral delts, biceps, triceps, and shoulders this morning.

My Little Bird Has Flown Home to Me

I talked to Caryl last night, several hours after her flight touched down. Hers was the last voice I had before going to sleep. As I expected she had some pretty funny and amazing stories, including one involving a man called Guisseppe (sp?)! As for her traveling companions, they've decided that "what happens in Italy stays in Italy!" Naturally.

The Verdict is In

No spin tomorrow. I went to the gym as usual this morning to see what, if any, cardio I can do (pulled my left quad). I got on the elliptical first and found that I could move forward and backward with no real pain or aggravation. Next I tried the regular stationary bikes and it was immediately clear that that specific peddling motion puts stress on my strain (or whatever it is). I ended up on the tread for a half hour (I figured it would cause the least stress and that something is better than nothing), walking at a brisk pace. After a while, even that made me feel aware of the muscle pull. It didn't hurt, but I could tell that if I did anything more strenuous than that, that I would end up regretting it. After the tread, I did some minimal reps on the abs weight machine.

To say that I am disappointed is putting it mildly. Nothing has ever made me feel like a spin class, not even my beloved elliptical. I love the way it uses my muscle groups, I like that when I leave the spinning studio I am absolutely drenched with sweat, and I particularly appreciated that I could already see the way spinning is cutting my waist, my quads, and my glutes.

Well, that I may live to spin another day, I'm going to cool it this week, invest in some ace bandages, and icy hot and just tread and lift.

Carrot & Banana Smoothie and White and Pink Peonies

My camera is on loan, or I would show you the above...

Anyway, I got up at about 8 this morning, made myself a shrimp, fat free cheese, and egg beater omelette (which I ate while watching Spike Lee's "Four Little Girls" documentary), then headed to the grocery store to pick up some things I hadn't been able to buy at the market yesterday. I got quarters so I can do a couple of loads of laundry, comprised mostly of workout gear, some light laughing cow cheese; stockings; and gum. I was delighted by the showing of peonies in the flower display, so I got a couple of bouquets of those, too, on my way to more prosaic aisles.

By the time I was headed home, a slightly more intentional rain was falling (it had been spitting and drizzling on my way to the store), and I started to feel hungry again.

After getting the flowers situated in their vase, I set about making the smoothie idea I'd conjectured yesterday a reality. Fat free vanilla yogurt, carrot juice, bananas, and skim milk. That's it. Delicious.

Well, I should go. Catchka will be here soon. She's conveying me to a reading engagement I have today.

My Left Quad

is strained or something. Either way, certain movements definitely hurt. I was going to do a fitness DVD tomorrow morning (since I won't be able to go to the gym because of an early afternoon commitment), but I think I need to give my body a break (possibly on Monday too, because I want to spin on Tuesday). Or, maybe I'll do the tread on Monday and some abdominal lifting. I don't feel like I have the luxury of just not doing anything at all, because I have so much momentum right now.

All in all, I did great this week--there was a reasonable loss, which is obviously terriffic news!

Equally tremendous: I got the project that I've been heading up since October out the door by COB yesterday and then after I celebrated with E and Sarah at Sammy's for his one year anniversary.