Around late February, early March my crush on my professor subsided. It is fair to say that since I shut down, emotionally, for all intents and purposes, that it makes sense, that the part of me that is capable of active romantic desire went on sabbatical as well.

I see that this crush, along with all my other infatuations, was simply a smokescreen. Another way to avoid dealing with myself in the void. I created all this noise around me by way of affectation, bogus relationships, the hubbub of food and coffee, and a blaring television.

Tonight I had an interaction with my instructor that in the old days would have thrilled me, would have given the fire air. Before class we chatted, told anecdotes, made each other laugh. And it was such a relief to just let that be what it was, in my own mind. For once my concept of what was happening matched the objective presentation.

My next challenge to myself is to refrain from creating any emotional distractors for myself over the course of my weight loss. I firmly believe that this very thing is what has been so destructive for me over the course of my teens, 20s, and the first years of my 30s. Antithetical to progress.

I am closed for business as far as bs is concerned. You've got to pass on the counterfeit if you want the Real McCoy.