Warning: Shameless Self-Pity Ahead

It is difficult to describe my emotional landscape. Let's just say I looked (half-heartedly) for grad programs in Kansas this afternoon. Suddenly the idea of being in a land-locked state in a place where I know no one, and could start over without the complications of my spun web of mediocrity, stagnation, and misadventure held tremendous appeal. And I thought it would be cheaper. This way I couldn't be accused of following a man to whom I am an afterthought, if I am anything, to New York (which has already been posited and cautioned against by a few). I guess I look like some species of bumpkin. Thank you very little. No worries, I am not hitching my wagon to his star. It was this side of a human gestation period ago that I ran into him on a date with someone else. Kate Krupnik is in love, to her detriment. She is not stupid, so a little credit please. For those of you who have wondered if I am motivated to go to grad school in NYC by the desire to be close to him, but have not asked, I sincerely thank you.

All that aside, being at work today was hard. I did what was asked of me, but felt the nowhereness of it, and felt ashamed that this is what my life has come to. Categorically unremarkable. So much miserable ruminating, having my dinner invitation to Mr. Renaissance denied, but having him proffer the bone of some hang time in about a week and a half, which I accepted, because I am that weak. According to Catchka and 'bina it was not bone-proffering, and my reasoning is flawed.

I'm in one of those places where I want to feel like scum, and I need everything in my life to prove how I want to feel.