I discussed my mother in counseling the other night. My doctor has been encouraging me to cultivate a relationship with my mother in which I celebrate her strengths while rejecting the dynamics of our diad that are counterproductive. I believe I discussed earlier that not letting other people's reactions, opinions, or behavior dictate to me how I am going to feel has made me more free to love them. I don't need other people to corroborate my intuition, my intellect, or my instincts. If they do, and that is a good thing, then I am blessed, but it would be wrong to require it. It's too much of a burden for someone else to carry being responsible for my moods, etc.

We talked very specifically about what the counselor called my mother's "resistance to insight." Her need to rationalize everything down to its least offensive point is her defense mechanism. If my mother can say "it's not that bad," then she doesn't have to feel bad. Pretty basic, but I think it's helpful to get arms around the situation by pointing out explicit patterns.

I finished My Name Is Asher Lev last night and now plan to pick up The Gift of Asher Lev on Saturday when I go to the library. When I get home I will begin to take out my braids, perhaps. It's time.