Retreating...

Immediately after work tomorrow I am going to the house my mother and youngest sister share with Babygirl, the dog. Caryl is singing with the Honors Chorus from her school district at the Kennedy Center on Sunday. It is easier, given that I don't have a vehicle, if I just get the subway from Washington to their place in the suburbs. I feel that I'm losing two nights and two days for the sake of a 2.5 hour show, but maybe it'll be good to be away from what is comfortable, peaceful, and familiar to me--maybe without having creature comforts at my disposal, I can force myself to really think about the next stage of my life. I feel that I am mobilizing for something and that makes me feel empowered. I want to come home with something settled, even if it's just knowing what it is I really want.

My mother, as usual, played the role of dissenter when I shared some of the possibilities I'm thinking through with her. But unlike before, I found that I felt detached from her commentary, and didn't internalize it. I registered her opinion and then moved on, weighing it no more heavily than I would have if a stranger had said "you know, I've never cared for peas..." It was like, "duly noted." If I can sustain this attitude it will be good for both of us. I have got to stop making her responsible to tell me what my life is supposed to be. Maybe if I stop putting that unspoken pressure on her it will make me free to love her where she is.

I came upon a new, flattering shade of lipstick this week. It's called Downtown Brown.