Learning to Be Content In All Situations: The Gift of Singleness

Don't worry. This isn't going to be one of those posts. I'll begin by telling you, dear reader, that I have more often than not seen my single status, not as a cause celebre, but a curse. A hairshirt. I, as someone who is supposed to be trusting God for everything, have often felt that he was holding out of me in this area. It has been a sore spot between us in the past. Maybe it will be again. I don't know. But I do know this. The Almighty does not do clenched fists. Pride cometh before a fall. You don't step to him with an attitude, etc. He's a loving father, but he's not about to let the likes of me punk him.

What I mean is that I've often felt in my heart, deep down where it really counts, that God owed me for my less than idyllic childhood. I wanted him to pay me back for everything that I lost or missed out on. Not trusting him to do it in his time, but in effect saying, "Fix it or I won't bow my heart before you."

Let's take this out of the realm of the divine for a minute.

Have you ever had anyone approach you from this place of arrogance? What was your reaction? When someone talks to me like I owe her something, especialy when I don't, my gut response is "um, just who do you think you're dealing with here?"

God is not a human being, but he's relational, and the laws of relationships are at work when you talk to him. Frankly, I know his patience is inexhaustible because I alone am exasperating.

In any case, I've been bellyaching for a long time about everything in general, but specifically about the fact that I'm [insert age here] and still without a date, let alone a boyfriend or husband. Then after kvetching, kicking, and screaming, I internally throw up my hands and say, in effect, "fine, I'll take care of this myself!"

My efforts haven't yielded anything to write home about. ever. I usually give up, affect a "zen" posture and say "che sera sera," but I've never really meant it until now.

My brief foray into online dating (online perusing, more like)sealed the deal. Everyone is so freaking desperate and most of them don't have anything to offer. So I asked myself "is this what you want?" The answer is no. I examined the road ahead and it was just miles and miles and miles of the same bleak terrain. Pointless e-mails. Men I couldn't even bring myself to pretend to want to meet for coffee, let alone dinner. I wasn't hitting my target audience. Even EHarmony.com told me that their service could not match me. Not that they couldn't match me at this time. They just couldn't match me. No further explanation.

One night, suffering from a bout of insomnia, I was reading the archives on an old acquaintance's blog. And he said that he came to a place of organic acceptance regarding his lack of a mate and found peace in that. It's not that he didn't want to meet and marry the right woman, he just stopped striving.

Let me tell you something. You can't stop striving until you're tired of striving. Even giving up has got to be an authentic place you come to after you've worn yourself out.

So I pondered these things in my heart and realized that I've been spinning. Doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result, which I've heard is the definition of insanity.

My prayers changed to:

God, help me to be grateful for where I am right now, for how things are right now. God, thank you that I am single. Thank you that this is what you are doing in my life, now what do you want me to do? Thank you, Father, that you were faithful to reveal in time that all of the men I've wanted in the past were not your perfect will for me. I know you have a plan for me that is perfect, and whether it includes marriage or not, I know that it is good because you are good.

And then I laid this burden down. And the gigantic chip on my shoulder.