Equilibrium

For the last several weeks, I would say that the status quo was that my equilibrium was in tact. Feeling very much in control of my self--living on my own terms, seeing progress in the crucial category of physical fitness, knowing that I have detoxed from the vices of caffeine and unrequited love (though not completely from the latter, perhaps), I have lately felt open to the idea of being open to more in the way of a relationship...not immediately, but at some point, which is a very different place than I was even three weeks ago.

Just yesterday morning my weigh-in revealed a cumulative 37-pound loss. Needless to say, I felt that I was floating on a cloud. My power walk yesterday evening was informed by renewed vim and vigor. My sister had arrived, unpacked, happily settling in. Things were brimming with possibility and hope.

Then this morning the news that I have been expecting came. I have been waiting, on a conscious level, for the disclosure that he is engaged. I did not hear this in a direct way. I was left off the missive that informed everyone. But two of my friends were included. My hard-won sense of balance was compromised again, phrases from that forwarded e-mail running on a mental ticker tape through my mind all day while I tried to focus on the tasks at hand.

There is something about the manifestation of what you dread that changes the shape of a day, an hour, a minute, a second. When a word (a seed) becomes rhema (fulfilled)the world shifts.

I know that I will get my balance back. And in truth, I did not fall, though I stumbled. Winston Churchill wisely counseled "If you're going through hell, keep going." This is not the end for me. I just have to keep going through until I come out the other side.