I got together with a friend and former roommate yesterday that I probably shouldn't have. She is one of those people who belongs in the category of those with whom it is not easy to interact for long periods of time. It was not particularly organic to schedule this time. This was at least our third attempt to get together this summer, and while on some level, I very much wanted to see her, I anticipated not having the patience for the encounter once it was underway. I should have left well enough alone.

She is a well-meaning person, but there is an old imbalance in our friendship from earlier days in which she was mentally tortured and confused about her life, and I acted as something of a sage to her perpetual apprentice. Not because I am a sage, but more just someone who gave her advice based on very common sense. Nevertheless, this is the structure we have in place, and I don't like spending time with anyone anymore if there isn't a balanced dymanic, where it's not a mutually beneficial exchange. It's exhausting. When I said I needed to wrap up, she was concerned that we had spent the time talking primarily about her. I assured her that I had shared with her everything I needed to share, and that I did not feel disappointed. I didn't feel disappointed, because my expectations were lined up with what actually came to pass. And if I thought it might have been different, I knew the moment she asked me about grad school and my classes, and then cut across me to ask if I'd seen her old boyfriend, that things were going to be par for the course.

Victoria and Michael and I were discussing this issue just on Saturday. There are those that you really want to let drift quietly to the outer edges of your life--not out of malice, but out of deference to the natural ebbs and flows of human interaction.

I am trying to be much more discriminating about how I plan my time these days. For years, I kept people in my life when I knew that the relationship had run its course, but I was propelled by some maladjusted guilt to keep drowning associations afloat. In any case, what I've taken from last night is that it's okay, even right, for me to guard my time better.