Christian Community: The Glass Ceiling

It is unspoken,and perhaps undetected by most. As a black woman, often the only one, or one of few in most of the social circles I frequent, it sometimes dawns on me that my chances for partnering up with a likeminded gentleman are slim. In most cases, as I've mentioned in previous entries, race is not a salient identifier for me. I am who I am. I like the people, music, and entertainment that I enjoy on a case by case basis, and don't feel the need to cling to a presribed notion of blackness to prove that I'm not a sell-out...

But I had an epiphany last night, sitting at my second Graduate Christian Fellowship meeting. I was in a room of mostly young, all white couples. There was one man there whose wife does not attend these meetings, myself, and an International student, who were not present with a significant other. The total number of summertime members is about 10 people.

My primary reason for going is the pursuit of Christian Fellowship, to be intentional about making my Faith an active part of my social calendar, as well as to be spiritually nourished during the week...to have Bible Study as a touch stone, but I also discern, intuitively, that I am too much an "other" in this scenario. I am not there looking for a lifemate, but I also know that the potential that I might find one there, even incidentally, is not strong.

I have been a part of some wonderful Christian groups and churches in my time, but I have also understood, in each of these groups, that I was the "really awesome" girl who is black. For me, being black does not eliminate men who are not, from my dating pool. But, I suspect that my race (for reasons that may never have been examined or ones that the men I've known may not have even been conscious of) has eliminated me from the running more times than I can ever know.

Beyond dating and marriage considerations, too, there is the lack of invigoration I find in so many believers nowadays. I'm not even talking about passion for Christ, necessarily, but it's as though so many believers have been shellacked in an acceptable veneer of distant politeness. The interactions are stiff, somewhat formulaic, and I find myself stuck in that rut, responding awkwardly to the painful small talk. Sticking out like a sore thumb because I'm not [yet] thin, [never will be] white, or married.

To be judicious, I have to state that within the circle of "fringe" Christians I've known the glass ceiling also exists. You can be intellectual, smoke cigarettes (or not), see arthouse films, have ecclectic taste in music, and follow Christ to the beat of a slightly different drummer all you want. Being a black woman is a liability. Race is not held against you, not consciously. It's even somewhat cachet to be a minority sometimes...except for when it's time to be paired off.

My primary interest has always been in eradicating racial barriers. I feel at home with people I enjoy, and it is frustrating to know that there is a point past which I can't seem to go. I'm there, accepted, equal in a sense, but not totally...