Am I Jaded?

I imagine that what people are the most capable of doing is hurting each other, vexing each other, disappointing each other...And I'm not in an especially cynical mood this morning...but it occurs to me that this is what we are all the best at.

In the Old Testament, King David said that he would rather fall into the hands of God and deal with his anger than face the fury of men, because he knew that God's judgment against him would be fair and tempered by reason.

I'm not about to go onto a tirade about how we all need to retreat to our respective corners and just try to avoid each other. We are interdependent. Someone else's actions will always affect me, in some way. I believe in the chain reaction of life. And I, too, help or hinder others every day. I am a part of this madness.

For the last three consecutive mornings I've awakened with one dream-thought. "I wish I had never known you." This made me think about the movie "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind," and I have wondered to myself, all week, if I could, would I have my memory of the last 6 years and 3 months expunged? In truth, I feel that my life was hijacked and that I was a willing accomplice to circumstance in allowing it to be usurped by such stupidity.

Truthfully, I want someone to pay for that, or I want a cosmic do-over. I cannot believe that I sowed into something that has yielded nothing! And I do not mean whatever useful "lessons" I can boast from this experience. I mean that I am not getting out of this what I put into it... but someone is harvesting the yield.

My prayers these days are focused on guarding myself against bitterness, to nurture self-improvement, to really experience the fullness of Grace, and also, to remember God's sovereignty over all things. I am praying a lot....

But stepping back, and just surveying the scape, it seems that we are all just so ill-equipped to care for each other. This morning I said something to my sister that really wounded her. And I didn't have to exert any special energy to do it. I was just thoughtless. I just didn't get it. We are all offending every moment of our lives.