You must do the thing you think you cannot do.

Now that I have this job I'm thinking about how visible my efforts are going to be; I can't do the bare minimum and remain disengaged from my work out of fear or laziness. When I first came to my soon-to-be former position about three years ago, I wanted to be a cog in a wheel. I'd just endured 6 months of hell working for a duplicitous woman who was given to hysteria and was impossible to please. I suffered acute anxiety all of the time. When I left I did not want anything to be required of me. Anything that smacked of going above and beyond the call of duty made me feel violated. I guess when you've been abused, every hand raised, even if it's just to scratch an ear, looks like it's about to punch you squarely in the face.

It occurs to me now that this very unwillingness to rise to the occasion at company "ex" is part of the reason I've felt so "blah" and cynical about my life for the last 3 years. One's work must be meaningful. Something happens to the soul when you feel constantly impotent at your place of business.

In the arena of relationships, I've had to confront some of my issues with confrontation, and it was terrifying. I was honest with Mr. R. about my feelings about his e-mailing me instead of calling me when I specifically asked him to call me (Ironically, this confrontation happened in an e-mail). And I worry that this honesty is going to alienate him. Who am I to ask him to call me, and to tell him that I am disappointed when he doesn't? The thing is that his e-mail was thoughtful, and I wanted it to be enough for me, but it wasn't. I wanted to leave well enough alone, but I couldn't do so. 'Bina sensed my unrest and told me to tell how I feel. I have never called him on anything regarding his disregard of my feelings (rare, but still), or his retreat into passive aggression when I try to "get real" with him.

I know it was the right thing to do. If I am ever going to be his and if he is ever going to be mine, I have to be able to tell him anything. I have to be willing to have him be defensive, tell me I'm wrong... Good Lord, even be mad at me if it comes to that...