The Birthday Depression that I evaded last year has me in its tenterhooks this year. Something feels "off," somehow. I am anxious that I will feel let down by something or someone, and the thought of that is driving me crazy--because at 4 days out, the impending let down is technically preventable. In recent years I have tried to loosen the leash, expectations wise. I made a huge leap last year by not trying to make the plans for my birthday celebration, but perhaps that had less to do with personal growth and was more about being distracted by my own sense of self-importance over turning 30. In any event, I feel that old panic creeping in... the If I don't Make Something Happen, Nothing Will Happen thing... Let me state for the record that being the one to make somethign happen never makes me feel truly satisfied, but it does keep me from feeling dejected. I'll take "not dejected," and "hollow victory" over "let down" any day.

To make matters worse, I feel awful, like I'm getting a cold. At least I'm getting my hair done tomorrow. Nothing is that bad when my hair is done. I think.