In the Bible there is a story of two sisters, Leah and Rachael. ("Now Jacob, he loved Rachael, and Rachael, she loved him. Leah was just there for dramatic affect.") Essentially, Jacob, one of the patriarchs, upon seeing Rachael for the first time, wept and kissed her, because he recognized her instantly. He worked for her father, Laban, for seven years for the right to marry her. Laban tricked him, however, into marrying his near-sighted, elder daughter Leah, whom no one wanted, when the time came. Jacob willingly worked for seven more years to win Rachael's hand.

Leah bore jacob many sons, and with the birth of each, thought she would win Jacob's heart, finally. Rachael, on the other hand, was barren. after the 3rd son, Leah resigned herself to winning God's favour instead, since her husband's eluded her. He wasn't cruel, he just didn't want her. When Rachael finally gave birth to two sons, they were Jacob's favourites, because they were born of the woman he adored--but before her body produced a single child, she had his heart lock, stock, and barrell.

I have this need to be helpful and productive as a means of earning my keep in people's hearts--as a child I believed I needed to work doubly and triply hard--to be a commodity, and not a burden, to my parents and friends. I always wanted to be the conduit through which needs were met, the means to the desired end, the one who came through, or could point out the person who could come through when the job was beyond the scope of my ability.

There is something intuitively good in that desire just as there is something inherently warped in it. It's hard to balance the scale between the right and wrong in it.

Today I turned on a new person to G's art, someone who might buy a painting. When I let him know he had a nibble, he enthusiastically told me that if he does, indeed, sell the piece to my potential buyer, he will give me a commission. I didn't tell him this, because it's not an issue yet, but I would never take any such thing for helping him. I help him because I can't help helping him. I can't not lobby for his causes. I can't not be concerned about his well-being. I give him my unflagging support without a second thought.

I want him to commission his heart to me, that is the only thing I would want from him. ever.

I know he appreciates my efforts. I know he's grateful, just as I'm sure Jacob enjoyed having a houseful of sons. But hard work has never given birth to love.

(the quote is taken from a song by the late Rich Mullins, "Jacob and 2 Women.")