Feeling My Way

Theoretically it should be less scary to confront issues with him now. And in some ways, it is, but I guess I still feel like I stand to lose a lot of ground by being real. As a direct result of my counseling session tonight I decided to let him know that his not answering me about SD hurt my feelings. Not the lack of a yes, but the lack of an answer of any kind.

The thing is, we've talked for other reasons since I sent him the e-mail in which I let him know that he'd be welcome to join me, and he didn't bring it up. I didn't either, because the conversation was so specific to another topic, that it would have been inorganic to try and tack on that discussion. I wanted to give him ample opportunity to broach the subject himself without forcing the issue. I also didn't want to make it a big deal, because I still fear alienating the men I care about by acting like a pest.

I didn't like having to draw my own conclusions about the matter, and I shouldn't have had to.

I worried that maybe my question made him uneasy, that maybe he was felt that I was assuming something about the status of my relationship with him. I shouldn't have to guess about that. I shouldn't have to deduce the issue, whatever it is.

I've asked him things that were hard for me before, and he's always found a way to say no if he didn't want to, or couldn't participate. Why the silence on this one question?

My counselor reminded me that the points of misery are usually the points of personal compromise. She reminded me that it was okay for me to want my question answered, but that I could also assure him that I wasn't asking him for a specific response, when I let him know how his silence affected me.

For me, asking the question is the most difficult part. A reply from him would say to me "I'll meet you half way."