I had my first difficult day at work.Back-to-back meetings, no lunch til 2:30, and unclear action items. I felt very out of control of myself. I started losing my ability to make sound judgments, and felt my margin of error increasing. I realized that the last time I felt that way was when I worked for "that woman" in Washington, D.C. I also realized that that pressure is mostly self-imposed, and that I just needed to eat, regroup, and slow down, internally. Things got better and I got a little perspective.

I just have to get comfortable operating in the realm of another person's theories. My company is still very much like a group of think tankers, which is to be expected in an organization that is so young.

It's hard for me because I'm not a big picture person. I like to know what my piece is, how to work on my piece in a way that will help others to work on theirs, what is expected of me, etc. I guess it will be a growing exercise. Like everything else.

And to top it all off, I feel unsettled about things with Mr. Renaissance (how stupid this moniker seems to me now). I haven't seen him since Easter weekend, and our virtual communication (I am really starting to chafe at the very construct of that way of relating to him) has been paltry. I am supposed to see him next Wednesday, but even this feels hollow since Sarah is the one who set that up with him (his coming over to hang out "with us") totally independent of me.

I feel the walls of my apartment closing in on me.