Confirmation of What I Already Knew Deep Down

I have been conflicted for weeks about Ms. F's wedding. I nearly sent her an e-mail yesterday telling her I wouldn't be there, as though this would make it final. a done deal. But I felt my heart hardening and morphing into a bitter brittle rock heap. I did not feel God in this decision. I asked Him to speak to me, but even as I asked I knew my inquiry was half-hearted, and that I was too unyielding to receive an answer.

It was this morning, as I resumed my work at a downtown government agency, that I began to sense His reply rising to the surface of my now more flesh-like heart. I realized that all of my reasons for not wanting to go are fear-based, and if I am truthful, are also malicious. In a de facto kind of way, I feel that I have been forced to the outskirts of Ms. F's life, and my way of finding dignity in this situation, was to refuse her my presence on the most important day of her life. I realized that I am angry at her, however much I understand, intellectually, that "things change."

There are many other reasons--complex, multi-faceted ones that, in the end, don't stand up when I lay down one simple truth. To not go would be wrong. In this case, it would be wrong for me. And I know there will be moments when I still won't want to go, when I will want to escape from this right choice, but I have a conviction that I will be the one I hurt if I stay away.

When I got home form work yesterday I had a valentine waiting from me. It was from Ms. F.