I did get together with Ms. F last night, and as I learned would be the case from Mr. R. when I spoke to him on Wednesday, he was not there. I have such a nasty propensity toward anxiety when I am at their apartment. It's a visceral reaction to several things, though it doesn't happen all the time. It is the fear that I am always about to find out bad news, or this expectation that the bottom is always about to drop out from me. I started praying about this last night--even though in some ways it doesn't matter, because that apartment is going to disappear in a few short months--but still, whatever I'm associating with it, I wouldn't want to carry over into my relationship with Ms. F., which I fear has already happened.

I don't mean to be daft. I do understand better than I've represented above, what the trouble is. The very first time I stayed over at their place, on a friday night, about a year or so ago, Mr. R. was out on a date, and that knowledge forever soured the experience of being in their place, for me. It is this same root of the fear I have of being socially and emotionally humiliated. Lots to work through.

Other than that, I did have a good time watching television and talking with my old friend. It was probably the last time that will happen since her wedding is so close--and in truth we haven't hung out in quite the same way since she's been dating her fiance, which makes sense, but still makes me sad. When my close girlfriends marry I feel like I am handing them over to a different life that doesn't include me. I am not aware of feeling jealous...just unable to relate to this new experience, and it makes me feel that I am obsolete, like old software that can't be converted into the new updgrade and keep everything humming.

Tidbit:
In addition to Mr. R "playing" music for Ms. F's wedding, he will be singing the song she comes down the aisle to. That wedding song, you know the one...
"Wherever two or more of you are gathered in His name, there is love...."