Equilibrium

I am often the culprit behind my own meltdowns. As a long-time friend put it "I think you like to put your chocolate chips on a heating lamp." Always ready with a clever turn of phrase, she is. In short, of course creating awful scenarios in my head and then working myself up into a state about how awful it would be if this thing happened is unproductive. I am hoping that I will learn, in counseling, to stop myself from going down these bendy paths. And learn to have proportionate responses to events--good or bad. Now I am like a yappy dog. Everything is a crisis. When you spend your life trying not to be in a state of emotional turmoil, and focus all of your energy on not feeling anything much, when you do have a feeling it is overwhelming. The sky is always falling on me, from my perspective. When will I learn to look up and say "Oh. It's just rain."?

Ms. F's wedding is in May. Yesterday was January 25th. By 9:00 p.m. last night I had myself convinced that I just wouldn't go to her wedding, 4 months away, because what if being there caused me to be socially and emotionally humiliated? When I am in that mindset it doesn't matter to me how such a decision would affect anyone else. In a moment like that, I believe I am the only one with anything to lose, that my withdrawal from engagements, people's lives, events, or whatever is totally justified.

Sometimes self-preservation is just selfish.

That is so difficult for me to write because I perceive myself as the person who is always supposed to be hurt. The preordained loser of every game.

What if I refused to play that role?