I am overwhelmed with fear at the moment--fear of the consequences for having felt so hopeful for the last week--and I am waiting for a shoe to drop on my head. I hate that I feel this way. I hate that my hopes always seem to ruin me. I feel doomed to always have to ask "What's the catch?" "What's the angle I didn't consider?" I am horrified at the thought of being humiliated. Again.

The latest scenario I've envisioned? Ms. F's pending wedding. I am imagining Mr. Renaissance bringing a woman as his date to that event, and me having to sit there, alone--tormented, embarrassed, hurting so badly that my throat constricts, that my mind mocks me and echoes the terrible refrain "You are a cosmic loser" over and over again. If this seems left field to you, it's because you don't know that I have had this very reaction when I've either heard about him being on a date, or accidentally bumped into him while he was out on a date.

While it may be jealousy, on some level, it feels so much more devastating than that. That would imply that I don't want him to be happy. I do. Instead, it is like a violation of what I believe I know about the future. If I didn't think he was the person for me, I would want him to date someone else. And I don't know if I'm right, but I can't help that I believe this--and as long as I do--I will hurt everytime this scenario plays itself out.

I don't know what to do with my feelings for him. I feel, sometimes, that I need to make a decision not to want him and then stick to it--but then something encouraging happens, and I can't deny that I don't want to not want him. I cannot convince myself that I believe I don't belong with him, ultimately. But between now and ultimately there is so much pain.

The questions I keep asking:

Why am I in this situation?
What should I have learned already that I clearly haven't?
How do I need to respond differently so this madness will end?