"I would sit in my room because I didn't want to have to go out and see you walking by..."

Beginning in May, Baltimore has what is known as "First Thursdays." Free concerts that have food & beer stands, and other goodies and give aways. There's a wonderful feeling of community and summertime spirit.

I decided, because of my commitment to stay engaged with my life, that I would go. It's free and within walking distance of my apartment--the two factors that make my attendance at an event a no-brainer.

On the way there, I started to panic a bit. What if I saw him? It's usually crowded enough that it's entirely possible not to see anyone you know even if they are in attendance, but knowing my luck, if he were to be there and with someone (a woman), I would definitely see him. That's the way my life has gone in the past. I had a little PTSD experience. Seriously.

I made myself go anyway. I was late enough that there was no place to sit once I arrived. With my hip being on the mend, prolonged standing didn't seem like a good idea, but I was determined to stay at least a little while. I wasn't having fun (as was evidenced by the fact that my arms were folded tightly across my chest for the duration of my stay). Everytime I saw a guy who in any way reminded me of him, I jumped inside my skin. Completely tense.

You can't really enjoy a show with your fight or flight response system going haywire. I had to come to the simple conclusion that I'm just not ready. I'm not strong enough to chance running into him with another woman. I'm probably not strong enough to run into him under any circumstances right now, but especially not that one.

So I walked home.

I've made a deal with myself. Whatever happens, I have to be able to sleep at night. I cannot do anything to jeopardize the good things I'm trying to do for myself--can't be derailed by any ill-fated collisions with bad destiny. I felt stupid and like a real little weenie, but staying there just to prove I could seemed just as stupid as leaving because I was afraid of what I might find.

Halfway back to my place, I saw a friend of his on Charles Street--one that I met the night of our first date. I didn't realize who it was until I had passed the guy, but seeing that person cemented just how close a call it had likely been. I'd probably left just in time.

When you have an injury like a sprain, a strain, or a break, the only thing to do is stay off it until it's strong again. Over time, you're able to put greater amounts of pressure on it until full function is restored. But you can't rush it. That's crucial.

I'm living that lesson all over the place right now. So, I blog to you from the safety and the sanctity of my little haven, with ice on my upper thigh.