I went to a church information session after the service. I know what the congregation's mission is, generally, but as someone who is back after a long absence, I consider myself starting at the beginning with the benefit of prior knowledge. I was so moved hearing the pastor talk about his vision for this body of believers, and I knew, again, what it is like to want to throw in my lot with this group... to really want to belong to something.

Yesterday, during the trip home (while Gordon slept) Sarah and I discussed this ever present duality in me. The need to slough off associations, to belong to nothing, and the warring need to belong to a community, to belong to people, etc.

I feel safe and unconflicted at this church. I feel people wanting me to belong to them, and so I am unafraid. I feel allowed to guard my solitude, my anonymity when I choose that... allowed to fellowship when that is what I most need.

The trip was pleasant. I've been very detached from the angst of loving Gordon for the last week or so, so by the time Saturday morning came around, I knew I would be fine. That detachment served me well, and I did not feel myself becoming sulky or sullen or sad. We actually had some time alone. Sarah and a relative of hers went off for a half hour jaunt into town, so he and I sat underneath a tree, conversing, joking. It was easy. basic.

We lunched in town at a truly awesome place, and then headed home. Gordon dropped me off at my apartment. I was quiet in the car. I just didn't feel like talking. I'm noticing that I don't tend to have the energy to chat much these days. I am too busy thinking through my "to dos."  I was able to hand off the painting he's shipping to Devika for me. What a relief to know she'll have that soon.

I had a message from the cable company waiting for me. They've taken it upon themselves to reschedule my digital upgrade to Wednesday so that my cable modem installation can happen on the same day. That's fine. My new furniture is also being delivered that day. Yay for the 28th!