I have always connected with God the most profoundly through my tears--they are the bridge to intimate worship and insight into His heart. This morning during the service I thought about the goal of the Christian, which is to be in fellowship with Christ by way of suffering, indeed, to know him better through a metaphysical death (and eventually an actual one) and resurrection. Being in that place of celebration and corporate worship, I found that my individual experience of His grace was emphasized, and my tears flowed through the duration of the songs and prayers. God was my first experience of acceptance as a child, His heart the first place of true welcome. And in moments of reflection, I long for Him to the point of pain...finding that I would die to disappear into Him, to just hang on Him, and there is no fear of being shunned in that desire.
 
Usually, my thoughts are too much of this world. I am preoccupied with the earth, but when everything but Him is obscured and distant, the joy is fierce, indistinguishable, in some ways, from sorrow. Perhaps this is real seeing, the intermingling of death and love.
 
I am at once sad beyond my own comprehension, and transcendent beyond belief.