Working From Home

Because I'm in residence today, I was able to go to gym first thing, and it was awesome. I wish I could do it this way everyday. And the temp outside is perfect at 6 a.m., so I even walked around for a bit to cool down before coming back to the apartment.

Last night in my Contemporary American Writers class we had a visiting author with us, and it was so exciting listening to her describe her writing process. It gave me pause to thing about my languishing would-be Harlequin manuscript. I didn't trash it, but I might rework it. Make it something real.

I'm so excited to host my poetry group tonight. We are having mini quiche, sweet potato, corn, and kale chowder, olive tapenade, hummus, crackers, chicken salad, pepper jack cheese and we're going to drink orange mango juice from my jewel-toned martini glasses. What a perfect day!

My Yearning For Coffee Is Unreal

I have started to dream about it. Last week when I shared with my instructor, in the course of a conversation he initiated about the stuff, that I had given it up, he said "that is wrong on so many levels." Last night I dreamt that I ran into him at a coffeeshop that was supposed to be the One World, but wasn't, and I was there to get a cup. When I told him this, he said "you're born again." This is absolutely unreal. Smelling the deep dark aroma of it wafting from the cups of people I pass, smelling it in grocery stores, or even on someone's breath almost makes me want to cry. This is not a physiological need. I am no longer addicted, but coffee haunts me.

I'm thinking of writing a series of poems in homage.

And I know. I know. I could drink it if I wanted to. I could learn to take it black (I only did it for a week, and I was never won over to the dark side), but I see that not having it has been very good for me. I'm a lot less irritable, I have less acid reflux, I feel less weighed down, oh but I miss it.

No disrespect to green tea, but it's like the really solid, secure guy that you date after the volatile, uber sexy renaissance man who couldn't be depended upon, but made your blood sing.

If you've ever been in love you know what I'm talking about.

Little Earthquake

Received a forward from him today, the source of whom was his gf. As I was scrolling down to get to the content, I saw the originator. I did not care to read further, so I deleted the entire thing.

I was not the only recipient, so I understand that it was in no way personal, for good or bad, but it was more than I could bear.

Sometimes when one sustains a significant physical injury there is a point at which one might feel fine, up to old challenges, ready to get back in the game, and so does. However, the moment there is any pressure (even just a little) put upon that wound, the agony is unbearable, and the 2nd tear can be much worse than the original.

I am not ready to be tested even on the finer points of this lesson. It was all I could do not to ask him to refrain from contacting me again. But then I would have to explain why, and I know I'm not ready to do that.

Well... I did get a good poem out of it.

Swingin' Jazz for Hipsters...

Is my raisin bran-eating soundtrack on this sunny, springtime morning. I can feel the lifting I did last night in my arms and back. I opted for the truncated gym workout and just did 20 minutes on the elliptical, then came home and worked with my 3-pound weights.

I finished watching 21 Grams, which was okay. I really enjoyed both Insomnia and Dog Day Afternoon, but I'm cycling off the Al Pacino flicks for the time being. Next to be sent to me is Woman, Thou Art Loosed, based on the book by the Reverend T.D. Jakes. I never read it, but my mother really enjoyed it. I am curious to see how a book of spiritual principles translates to film.

Finally, I switched the cds in my portable carrying case. It's like the changing of the guard! I took out the pop, rock, and rap and have put in a lot of jazz, folk, and soul.

My first trip to the gym went fairly well. I had a little anxiety about figuring out how to use some of the machines. They were all pretty intuitive. I began with the stairmaster, and after about two minutes of struggling (I probably picked too high a level for a beginner) I gave it up for the elliptical trainer, which I did for 10 minutes. I think this machine may be my favourite. I really worked up a sweat while on it, and could feel a lot of target areas being worked. I did the treadmill at a fast walking pace for 20 minutes, but it didn't seem as effective as the 10 minutes I spent on the elliptical machine. I did one set of about 10 reps lifting (arms) and maybe 2 sets of 6 reps of leg lifts (10 pounds in both cases). All told, I was there for about 40 minutes, and when I left I felt accomplished.

Yesterday Sarah and I went to Dick's Sporting Goods and I bought two 3 lb. weights, a flexibility ball, a stretching/Yoga mat, and 3 resistance bands (light, moderate, and heavy). After the gym tonight, I'll go home and investigate my new toys, and start actually using them tomorrow after class.

I've read that it's best to keep the body guessing as to what to expect, so I'm thinking that I'll alternate between the gym, aerobic walking on the track, and strengthening and toning with weights, bands, and the ball at home.

I debated buying a scale at Target, but I know it's still too soon for me to own one of those, because when I'm at Sarah's place, I usually weigh myself no fewer than 5 times in the course of 24 hours (or less). Even though I know to expect weight fluctuations from week to week (sometimes there is an apparent gain from a previous week due to water retention or the building of muscle), it still does a number on me, pyschologically speaking, to see no loss, or worse, a 2 to 3 pound gain. It seems to me that my metabolism is increasing, so it's also an adjustment to suddenly be hungrier than usual and to need to eat a bit more, while making sure my choices are still healthy and that I exercise portion control.

One of our stops yesterday was at the Baugher's open air Market (near Westminster), and we ate lunch at their full service restaurant; I picked up some grapefruit, navel oranges, and pumpkin butter. Now that I am eating better, it seems that I am always doing some form of grocery shopping.

You're Gonna Miss My Lovin' (late in the midnight hour, baby)....

Because my cable bill is delinquent, they have "interrupted" my service. The bill is en route to them as we speak, but no dice on resending the signal until they have my money in their hot little hands. So, what this translates to, roughly, is no Internet access over the weekend. And, I will definitely be watching all my Netflix DVDs since I will have no other options via tv.

So, to my faithful contingency who read my rather pedantic updates, even on the weekends,to you I say I'm sorry. (Who am I kidding here?) Well, people this is what passes for a sense of humour in my mind these days...

How about this? I'll tell you what I plan to do:

Tonight: Walk 2 miles; eat leftovers for dinner; do laundry; watch Dog Day Afternoon
Tomorrow morning/day: eat breakfast; go to the gym; watch Insomnia or 21 Grams depending on mood; write a poem for class
Sunday: Hang out with Sarah; buy some workout clothes and gear; various and sundry activities; read a story for class

There. Happy now?

Good weekend, everybody!

Letting Sleeping Dogs Lie...

I received an e-mail from a lapsed friend yesterday. She is in need of a favor. Despite our expired relationship, because I know that the fact that she asked must mean she is desperate, I prayerfully considered whether or not I should consent to help her. I asked Sarah's opinion, since she's remarkably clear-headed about these things, but in the end, I decided for myself that it is best to let sleeping dogs lie.

The fact is I do not want this person in my life again. Doing her this favor would be tantamount to agreeing to open that door back up. I have not regretted severing ties with her. I don't wish her ill; I am not actively angry with her. I just see that it is best for us both to not be in each other's lives.

It is always hard to know where is the line between cruelty and wisdom. And I wonder, too, am I just being unyielding on principle? Well, my tendency would be to do the favor, so maybe that is what I should be suspicious of...this need to step in and be the one who saves the day, even at great cost to myself. No one has much use for martyrs anymore, and I know that trying to be one usually makes me miserable. When I weighed it all, the only reasonable answer was no.

April Is National Poetry Month...

Around late February, early March my crush on my professor subsided. It is fair to say that since I shut down, emotionally, for all intents and purposes, that it makes sense, that the part of me that is capable of active romantic desire went on sabbatical as well.

I see that this crush, along with all my other infatuations, was simply a smokescreen. Another way to avoid dealing with myself in the void. I created all this noise around me by way of affectation, bogus relationships, the hubbub of food and coffee, and a blaring television.

Tonight I had an interaction with my instructor that in the old days would have thrilled me, would have given the fire air. Before class we chatted, told anecdotes, made each other laugh. And it was such a relief to just let that be what it was, in my own mind. For once my concept of what was happening matched the objective presentation.

My next challenge to myself is to refrain from creating any emotional distractors for myself over the course of my weight loss. I firmly believe that this very thing is what has been so destructive for me over the course of my teens, 20s, and the first years of my 30s. Antithetical to progress.

I am closed for business as far as bs is concerned. You've got to pass on the counterfeit if you want the Real McCoy.

Another step in the process...

Filled out application and paid fee for membership at the university fitness center directly across the street from my apartment. Things are about to get kicked into high gear.

Have been processing, emotionally, the implications of my outing last night. Not that the outing itself was emotional, but more, I guess, the associative properties of the affiliations that are represented in my friend group, and the way I feel impacted today, on the other side of it.

This is a pretty serious little dust cloud of feeling that's been kicked up. It's not bad, but it's there, and I need to sort through it.

It's funny. When I was a little girl I couldn't wait to have adult problems and adult concerns. I felt that I would handle them so much better than the grown ups I knew were dealing with their issues. Yeah. not so much.

Oversleeping is clarifying. Michael was due to pick me up at 6:40 this morning, and for some reason, I just happened to turn over at 6:13. My alarm should have sounded at 6:00, and maybe it did, but I didn't hear it. Needless to say, with limited time, there was no putzing about. I was able to get ready in about 15 minutes.

I was pretty restless last night after my plans wrapped up (sometimes I am just keyed up after social engagements). Greg-the-philosopher and I hung out for about 3 hours, most of that at the One World. I asked him at the outset if we could avoid certain topics, and he was fine with that, but let me know that he didn't mind talking through things with me if I wanted to do that. He seemed to feel that he could listen to me without compromising any of his friend's confidences (which means, gentle reader, in case you are not paying attention, that there are confidences, but that is not for me to ponder at this point).

We proceeded to have, in my estimation, a terrific evening. Because I have no agenda where he is concerned, our exchange was probably more authentic than any I've had with The Artiste, which is just sad... I always felt like we (the artiste and I) were both behind glass, never really reaching each other during many of our exchanges. Too many secrets, too many boundaries, too much of my agenda. In any case, Greg and I regaled each other with personal anecdotes, we talked about movies, certain directors, and I see that he's just a good guy to know.

I knew that he was funny and very intellectually stimulating before, but as I said previously, being around him was always a bit unnerving in the context of my feelings for gordon, because I saw him as some kind of threat, the harbinger of gloomy proclamations regarding g's feelings for other girls... In any case, I'm glad we finally managed to get together, and whether we ever do again, it was a very heartening evening. I felt confident in my ability to hold my own in the arena of that social exchange. It's the most enviable position to be in, that of desiring nothing from a person.

With Fingernails That Shine Like Justice...

My nail polish is peeling off in a most unattractive way. Lately, I've been taking the time to keep my nails in good shape, and I've discovered that I really like the way I feel when I feel good about my hands. Anyway, when I get home from work tonight, because I suddenly have dinner plans with Mr. Barnes and Noble (g's friend greg, unintentional bearer of bad news), it is imperative that I do something about them quickly. I would normally take the time to leisurely remove the old polish and apply a new coat during the primetime UPN line up, but I have to deal with this before I go out.

I mean, it's just dinner with someone who doesn't even yet qualify as a friend of mine, but my nails look bad... and besides, let's be honest, he will probably share some information about our time with his compadre, my former love... I don't want to have unattractive hands. I know this won't even matter to him or anybody else, but it really matters to me.

Besides, in other ways, I look the best I've looked in years. I've lost a total of 24 pounds, and it's starting to be apparent to other people. I totally met my goal of losing 5 pounds since my last weigh-in, and I'm feeling great. Again, my nails can't look sucky when this is the case!

I hope I can persuade my dinner companion to go to the One World; I really want their miso soup and spinach salad... details to follow....

Anna Karenina

This book has been my constant companion since two days after Christmas. I unceremoniously finished it (and it unceremoniously ended with Anna's foil at peace, though of course Anna did not achieve this for herself) last night, lying on my couch, while watching television. Now I ask myself the question I always ask when a long-standing relationship reaches an end. What will I do now?

I read other things during this time period. Sometimes I went for weeks without cracking it open...school, my own sadness, my schedule, whatever... might have prevented me, but when I returned to Tolstoy's Russian landscape, the characters were still toiling right where I left them...Anna becoming increasingly embittered, Levin still wrestling with matters of faith, poor Kitty Sherbatsky, pregant for much longer than she should have been, thanks to the gaps in my reading.

When I was awakened this morning by the cool breeze and lemon yellow sun streaming through my window, I thought of Anna Karenina, and then remembered there are no more pages to read.

Last night I dreamt that Victoria gave me a lovely batik tote bag; it was black with brown designs, and she gave me a set of paint brushes. We had plans to connect in Paris for my birthday, since we would both already be there on other business...

Lady Day

Today is Billie Holiday's birthday, and since she was raised, largely, in Baltimore, I thought I would give her contribution to jazz a nod on the Baltimore Chronicles. I'm listening, as I have many mornings this week, to the "Quintessential Billie Holiday, Vol. 8" to usher in the morning.

Michael just brought over some white darjeeling tea for me to try. It had a very even quality to it. Very pleasant.

Now I'm off to the pedantic world of comma splices, split infinitives, and who vs. whom.

Another productive day at the office...

The poem that began to hint at itself last week has come forward. I've also done a revision, all while eating a wasa cracker and eating a lemon yogurt. The soundtrack is the late great lady herself, Miss Billie Holiday.

Lovely Morning

Am listening to "The Best of Chet Baker Sings," while eating organic raisin bran and watching the sun emblazon the building across the way, the light quality reminding me of a Hopper painting.

I am not taking any classes this summer. I have decided, instead, to devote the months of May(the better part of May anyway), June, July, and August exclusively to fitness and writing. I am going to join a gym, buy some 3lbs. weights, a flex ball, a mat for stretching, and some tension bands. I will gradually increase my walking pace and distance until I get up to maybe 4 miles in 40 minutes. At this point, I am walking two miles in about that time.

I purchased a cookbook that features recipes that prevent breast cancer. I was thumbing through it last night, and saw a delightful one that features broccoli and soy beans. Last night I dreamt that Sarah and I were at the market buying soy milk, poring over the different kinds. This is based on a real event. On Sunday afternoon at the market in her neighborhood, I was debating buying soy milk, but was put off by the fat content in it. Right now I'm doing skim, and since I have no lactose intolerance issues, I wasn't sure what the actual benefit would be to me.

Can anyone shed any light on this?

Work Groceries

In addition to the things I picked up for my apartment, I also have quite a nice selection of food items for the office, including the oft seen, but previously untried [by me] Vitamin Water.
I also bought club soda and a naturally flavoured seltzer water. Essentially, I drink two beverages now--water and green tea, so I have to get creative with the water from time to time...punch it up with fizz or lemon, or whatever...

I had a weird dream last night. I was back in college talking to the guy I had a major crush on, but we were discussing my feelings for him from the vantage point I have now, more than 12 years later. I told him that I only let him in on my feelings then, because I thought it would help to get things out in the open. He said that this had actually been a bad idea, that it would have been better to keep it to myself. I shared with him that the fact that I was two years older that he was had also stressed me out, and he said that was because I knew there was no hope. It was so bald the way he looked at me and said that... "you knew... you knew it would not happen."

Sarah and I had a lovely afternoon yesterday; we went to a cafe in Mt. Washington and I had the most delicious smoked salmon sandwich on rye with cucumber salad and green tea.

Blue Bathrobe, fuzzy slippers, and a mixed berry smoothie for breakfast...

Yesterday I managed to do laundry, clean the bathroom, mop the kitchen floor, sweep, go for a two-mile walk, and watch both "Scarface" and "Any Given Sunday." This morning, I am sitting here, fresh from the shower, drinking a smoothie for breakfast, and getting ready to enjoy the day and evening with Sarah. We are going out to lunch, but we have to decide where.

Eating out is still tricky for me because while there are healthy options on most menus, the desire to eat something less conservative is strong... I am working on challenging myself to not be swayed by my old way of thinking about food. In truth, so much of that has already changed. Or, when I am enjoying something that is a bit more of luxury item, portion control must still win out.

On Friday after work, I met up with a friend at the James Joyce Pub where I had 4 buffalo wings, some fried calamari, and 3/4 of a Yeungling, and it was hard for me not to feel that I had done something really terrible after the fact. Granted, these were not great options, but it was happy hour at a pub, and I was splitting food with someone... I think I may also have to learn to negotiate the feeling in myself that I'm letting someone down if I'm not up for eating "fun" foods. That was and is totally my own bag, though. No one forced me to order a beer, or anything else for that matter. In any case, I'm continuing my regimen, and I'm trying to exercise personal integrity. This is my road to hoe, but I am grateful for the support of my friends who have said how proud they are. That is very crucial to my success.

Well, I should go put some clothes on. Daylight Savings Time made getting out of bed a real struggle this morning.

Al Pacino Weekend...

I kicked off said weekend last night by watching 'Serpico,' which was made in the same year that I was born, 1973. I absolutely loved it. I'm sure most people have seen the iconic movie poster for it. I certainly had, but after actually seeing the film, I am so in love with Al Pacino's look in it. I mean really. I set the image as the wallpaper on my desktop at home and at work. I've always thought he was attractive, especially as a younger man. I have to say that now, if time and space were not factors, I would date Al Pacino circa 1973, but in the present day (if that makes sense). So strange, because I am not usually into beards or mustaches, but he was just rocking that look so hard!

Tonight, I will watch either 'Scarface,' or 'Any Given Sunday.'

Otherwise, I rearranged my living room. I was just standing in the room last night and got inspired. For about a year it'd been the same way, and I didn't really think there was another configuration that would work. It just came to me in a flash, rather suddenly.