Post Holiday Depression

Things just didn't connect on every level this year; something felt "off" and did not right itself by December 25th. I know that December 26th (if the 25th is the day you celebrate) can feel like a let down to many, but it usually finds me still reveling in the giving and receiving and the family and friends that I enjoyed all through the month.

I saw friends this December. I was with my family. I bought and ordered presents. I made every provision to ensure that things happened on time, and it was for naught. I will be mailing out presents into next week and potentially the week after because of a colossal display of human error at every turn. That doesn't feel like Christmas. It feels like a disorganized mass of trouble.

I am not exempted from this by any means. Through a misunderstanding, I bought my best friend a present that she is in no way interested in--and upon further discovery, another gift that I gave her, which she did like, appears to be marred.
Have you ever been caught in a downward spiral in which whatever choice you make is the categorical wrong one?

Not 24 hours after receiving a lovely turquoise sushi platter from Sarah, I chipped one of the edges, and managed to bruise my shin (and I never bruise) in the process.

Being at my mother's house depressed me, I realize, because she is knee deep in a psychological ailment--she calls it being a "pack rat." I call it a fire hazard--and psychosis on parade. This woman has been trying to "tidy up" since I was born. I told her that there comes a point when you can't clean up until you throw out. Being there made me want to come home and trash everything I own. That kind of clutter and resulting filth messes with the mind, makes you feel like climbing the walls, like nothing is possible. No where to go. She has never experienced the freedom of an empty corner, for pete's sake.

And whether or not I should be, I am depressed about my relationship landscape, particularly as it pertains to one person. Every day I vacillate between feeling that I was absolutely right to tell him how I felt about his dismissal of me as a friend, and chiding myself for even letting it "go there." At the moment, I don't see this working itself out. Not because I don't want it to, but because I can't imagine him feeling anything other than that I've lost my mind. If he thinks of this "incident" at all, it's probably in the context of feeling that I am unreasonable. Impasse. If I give in and e-mail, I'm done for. He never ever has to even consider me in any situation again. If I don't, I may never see or hear from him again. You may think "okay, well screw him. So What?" But if you've ever loved anyone, even as a friend, you know that is painful fork in the road.

And to top it off, the morons at Gateway keep billing me for something I cancelled months ago. Jesus, I beg of you, let me come to be with you...