{Ding Dong Merrily on High}

Why do I do that?

I got together with Holly last night since she is Boston bound post Christmas. It was our last chance to see each other for what will probably be quite some time. Her season of bleakness in MD is coming to a close and she is going North to take on the world of Oriental Rug sales and being closer to her family is a lovely by product of this change in locale.

Among the many things we talked about was the tendency we both have to cast a negative light on things as a protection against disappointment when they don't pan out. My referring to the office "Secret Holiday Exchange" as a "debacle" midweek would be one application of this principle. Anyway, our "Culmination Lunch" at Amicci's yesterday showed me a thing or two. All week all this subversive, secretive activty had been going on, and everyone had such lovely intentions, and the final gifts were a real "hurrah," after all. My person (whose identity I knew for reasons it's not necessary to go into) gave me a double disc of classical guitar by the man who made classical guitar famous--Andres Segovia, a dark chocolate with raspberry candy bar, and a lovely Egyptian candle with a very sensual scent.

Here's the truth. I am very judgmental and easily angered. This the proverbial "fool" in the Old Testament book Proverbs. I have been known to say that if the "fools" I refuse to suffer gladly were more like me, we'd all be okay... I see now that if that were true, I wouldn't stand a chance. When I come up short, I'd much rather face mercy and compassion than the icy blast of my criticism.

When I think back on this year--the one in which I cut ties with people, either officially or unofficially, I see that I am the only constant in all of these scenarios, and that suggests a few things. In two of the situations, there were unheathly elements, so I don't feel that I made a mistake... but I know that pretty soon I'm going to run out of people to cut loose at the rate I'm going.

When is a situation truly toxic, and when does it simply require bearing through. Why do I become enraged at the first hint of disaster? And so to help disaster along, I destroy even more what I worry has become ruined.