Facing Myself

I had a disturbing dream. In this dream, I was at a function with several friends, including Gordon. At the end of the function (not sure what was being celebrated, or if there was a specific occasion), I was offered a ride home by my good friend,Victoria. Sarah and Gordon were also in the car. Just as we were about to pull off, another girl who is a friend of Gordon's and Victoria's in "real life" asked if she could also get a ride. Everyone waited for me to give the okay. I understood that this girl did not have to ride with us, that she had other options, but I still didn't feel that I could be presumptuous enough to say no. So, I acquiesced, and felt usurped by her presence.

After we were dropped off at my apartment building Sarah asked me when I was going to exercise my right to say no to some requests. She told me that I had the right to tell that girl she couldn't ride with us. Essentially, in this case, I did not have to let someone else come between me and Gordon.

The dream took a turn when I saw Gordon talking to another girl (a blonde)in the lobby of my building. I understood that she was an ex-girlfriend, but that they had an active connection, emotionally. I heard him ask her why she was not wearing anything personal of his. The moment was tense between them, but I could also feel their history palpably, and took it as a sign that I needed to pack in any hopes of being with him.

I went up to my apartment and planned to get very drunk. There was a knock at my door, and I knew it would be the girlfriend from the lobby. She was accompanied by two large men who were there to protect her (should things get ugly with me, I suppose). I had a very large bottle of alcohol in my hand, and she said something to the effect of:

"Yeah, getting drunk is probably a good idea for you..."

She proceeded to tell me off in no uncertain terms, and to let me know that she and Gordon were very much apart of each other's present. I am under the impression that I attempted to downplay my interest in him in the dream, and so her attack became personal. She went away and then came back again, and this time she said:

"Look at you! You are so sloppy and fat... and by the way, Gordon is really disappointed in your body..."

Her tone was vicious, and I was yelling something in defense of myself, but I don't remember what I was saying.

I woke up feeling so disturbed, because it was clear that this girl that was talking to me was my own interior monologue.