Close to The Chest

I have never negotiated relationships with men very well. This sad truth is not limited to romantic dalliances, but extends to boss to employee, friend to friend, and certainly father to daughter constructs, as well.

When it comes to love I am usually guilty of not having a poker face; even when I try to hide what I'm thinking, men can usually see right through to my deepest insecurities.

I bring this up today because my relationshp with Gordon seems to be waxing gibbous, and I suddenly feel a peculiar need to be guarded. Let me be clear, this is not about playing games, but more about not taking anything for granted.

Long story short, he and Sarah are getting together next Thursday to discuss a painting she wants to commission him to do for her. She offered to let me be part of this discussion, but I opted out, preferring to refrain from glomming myself on to their arrangement (I wouldn't have batted an eyelash at joining them in the past).

But, over the course of the last two days and a few e-mail exchanges with him, he's asked if I will be there (I said I wouldn't), suggested I come there (when I told him I was ready to give him the next installment of what I owe him for the painting I purchased a month ago), and expressed his hope that he would, indeed, see me there (in a separate e-mail about other matters).

I questioned my staunch position on not being there, but I decided that I did not want to be tacked onto someone else's agenda. I want him to make time to see me separately... but is this the point? I actually have no idea if I'm focusing on the wrong element of all this or not.

Anyway, what I've done is tell him that in an effort to get him the check sooner, I'd mail it. I assured him that we didn't need to get together in person for me to get him the money. I can't tell if he was simply trying to kill two birds with one stone, or if he actually just wants a reason to see me.

I fear that I am like Charlie Brown, turning everything into an existential crisis. I don't mean to, but at the same time, I don't trust my ability to read this landscape. I know my own heart; I know where I stand. I know what I have wanted this man to want from me for 5 years. I have wanted it so much, I let myself believe, on several occasions, that he was someplace, emotionally, that he just wasn't.

Here's the thing:

I don't want to be too quickly won, yet I don't want to discourage him, either. If I knew where he stood I wouldn't make this unduly difficult for him. By the same token, the one gesture I need Gordon to make is to demonstrate a real effort to be with me. No man has ever done that, and I think I need to know he'd go to great lengths to win my heart.

On a different, less confusing front, I'm happy the week is nearly over. My annual review went well; I've taken on some new responsibilities in light of the changing dynamic at the office, and now I'm just looking forward to the financial compensation that will come. I'll be doing the very grown up thing and using my bonus money to pay off some debt.