I'm so glad the gym is opening back up tomorrow...

because I ate my leftover birthday cake for breakfast this morning. Thankfully, I had a reasonable breakfast yesterday, something of a decadent lunch, but ate it late enough in the day that I didn't need dinner, and just finished out the day with coffee and cake & ice cream, so it wasn't over the top, calorie-wise.

I skipped dessert after lunch out with E this afternoon. I'm debating popping in a workout DVD before my mom and Jim show up, but I think I'll allow myself this one more day off because I'm going back to my hard core routine soon enough. 38 more pounds to go! Of course, this week will be a bit awkward because I start classes on Wednesday, and because of the dog, I won't go to the gym afterward. Then, on Thursday I meet with my poetry group for a mini post b-day celebration. The weekend will be a bit unpredictable, but I know I'll make it at least twice between Friday and Sunday. The following week I'll regain some more momentum, but as it's the last with the dog, I'll still have to forego working out on Tuesday and Wednesday (I'll have class twice a week, starting on the 13th).

Sarah went home this morning to prepare for the 4-day work week ahead (laundry, playing catch up to meet some deadlines, etc.) and to deal with some other pressing business. It was sad to see her go after a 3-day stay with me. I loved our unplanned sleep-over fest, but it was not as hard to watch her go as it has been to watch others leave lately. I know I will see her again soon. These days when friends walk or drive away, I feel an odd sadness that it could be the last time, or that they are heading out into the unknown. All of my associations feel tenuous, or if I'm sure of them, it seems that joy is so fleeting that I start to miss those I love even while they are still with me. What accounts for this odd separation anxiety at my age?

I tidied up my apartment before E came to get me, because it was beginning to get out of hand. I've also started reading Toni Morrison's "Beloved." It's on the reading list for one of my two classes, and though I've owned it for years and even started it years ago, I never finished it. It just wasn't the right time, I guess...

Relieved that my b-day has come and gone, now I can just get on with the business of living my life, reading books, writing papers, and leaving the past to itself...I wonder if there will ever be a day that I won't feel this dull ache. It is beneath every happiness, tinges the sky, just a bit. Grief like broken in jeans that wear so well to every line of the body, the shoes that you cannot differentiate from your feet, so comfortable are they... just a little thumping, the skip in the groove that you anticipate, considering it part of the music.