"We Would Never Have Marched So Far To Be Food For a Crow."

I come back to the idea that "God has not brought me this far to abandon me now" many times in any given moment of fear and distrust.

I am worried about many things all the time--having enough money, needing to lose weight, having exact change for bus fare, one day getting furniture that I will really like, being able to move to a vintage building in the city, Gordon... Since I've turned 30 the mysterious, centering calm I'd been feeling has not waned altogether, but it's more like a thin mist some days than a warming shroud of bliss.

And I worry about not being good enough at my job. I worry about dropping the ball on anyone, and when I do, I smart over it for days. When someone else drops the ball, I smart over it for days. There are moments when the disconnect between what I want and what I have is so impassable, that I sink into a crippling, VH-1 marathon-watching malaise...

If I can't have things completely just so, I don't have the heart to try for any element of what I want.

So, on the eve of living alone, for real this time, I have plans in place to regain my footing, get established the way I've always wanted to be, to stop ordering carryout, stop buying on credit, light candles, and play more with the zen garden I inherited from Sarah.