Renewing My Mind

I don't know anything about intimacy, real intimacy. It seems that it would require an awful lot of willingness to sit quiet and still with another person, without forcing an agenda. I have the same tendency many people, even those who know better, have. I often sexulize the concept of intimacy. So, when I imagine being close to a man, being in an exclusive relationship with him, I think primarily of physical gratification.

For my entire life I have subscribed to the belief that the full expression of physical intimacy should be kept for marriage--so priceless and exclusive are its joys--as an indication of the singularity of intention in that relationship. I don't believe that any less now, but as a 30 year-old, I struggle with a very keen desire to know those pleasures sooner rather than later.

As I nurse the hope of being in a marriageable relationship with a specific man, I cannot say that I am not plagued by thoughts of what it would be like to enjoy those pleasures with him. This is normal, I'm sure.

But it worries me. It concerns me because I notice that when our friendship enjoys any significant increase in depth, my fantasies run rampant, unchecked, I am chagrined to say. The basis of the correlation may be understandable, but that doesn't make it right.

I know that one of the reasons I am not ready to be in the exclusive committed relationship I want to be part of is because I need God to inform my desire for intimacy and my concept of what it is, at the deepest level. I know that intimacy is a process, not a theory. I know that you learn about it as it unfolds in your life, but there is so much to be said for contemplation and prayer before attempting something of this magnitude.

God, I want to be in a relationship with Gordon that is characterized by true intimacy, respect, and a lack of self-consciousness. Won't you help me to see what such a relationship would look like, from your perspective?