As I sat in the salon chair tonight getting my tresses chopped, it came to me.

How can anything I do out of love reap destruction? Why would anything I do for him out of love ruin me?

So the verdict is "irrational fear."

I am disappointed that he won't be at the memorial service with me--that would have been a real statement to my family, all of whom I have not seen in the better part of ten years. I couldn't have introduced him as anything other than my friend, but it would have been the first time in my life I would have been present at any family event with a man from my own, separate life and experience.

It would have helped me to feel less alone when I face my father. It would have said to him "This man cares about me so much he wouldn't let me look you in the eye without him."

His offer is in no way undermined, but I wish it were going to be an actuality, instead of remaining a gesture. When I first heard about my grandmother, in my heart I whispered Gordon, come with me... Then I wrote it on a post-it note I later threw away.