Schism

I recently wrote an essay for my memoir class about being black and issues with self-image. In it, I asserted something that made my teacher call foul. In an effort to move away from the top-heavy exposition that dogs many of my first drafts, I didn't bother to qualify my statements, but I think what I was getting at was something honest that needs to find some sensitive, yet ballsy way to be said.

In my essay, I expressed that black women had two images with which to be identified: angry or sexually loose. I went on to say that white women were not dogged by the same limited spectrum--perhaps I thoughtlessly expressed that they weren't dogged by archetypes at all. What I'd meant to say, and should have taken explicit care to say, is that they didn't seem to me to be pigeonholed in the same way, for the same reasons, and that any stereotypical representations that might exist didn't seem to exist to dehumanize them.

My prof, who is white, helpfully pointed out that my explanation makes things clearer, but that it's still impossible to speak to someone else's intimate experience and that perhaps such comparisons should be avoided.

The following link gets at a little of this issue. Read what one black woman blogger had to say when one white woman journalist looks at Michelle Obama through the lens of what she thinks the First Lady should be doing:

http://blacksnob.com/snob_blog/2009/5/22/someone-needs-to-tell-bonnie-erbe-to-let-it-go-rants.html

This is the part where it really takes off...

We're over the Memorial Day hump, so summer is free to come in full force. What are we in for? A week of rain. Anyone who's even an intermittent reader of the BC knows I can stand a little rain, but when a big part of your commute involves a walk on both ends, well, it's less than ideal.

Yesterday, my sisters and i were driving on the interstate and had to get off. 95 was in rushing, rising rivulets. The township streets weren't much better. We arrived at my mom's for an indoor picnic none the worse for wear, but about an hour after we'd set out. It's usually a 15-minute drive from my youngest sister's place, where we left from.

The big thing on the docket today is my DLLR hearing. I'll share details later. Have a great day, and remember. The deluge will always yield something awesome. Stay dry, be sweet today, and send up a prayer or two for me.

status

this a time for getting my bearings and establishing a rhythm, for getting questions answered, and forging a path. i'm hopeful. on the horizon is my appeal hearing with the DLLR, and though i'll be okay regardless of the agency's decision (backpay, etc.), i am hoping for vindication.

i realize i'm being vague about the job i've found. i've always taken care to never mention the place where i work by name and never to give any identifying specifics that could make the company recognizable to others in print. that will very much continue. i can say that i'm balancing my expectations and not hurrying to personalize the experience (or the space) too much. i need to keep myself psyched up by seeing it as a place that i report, for about 8 hours a day, that is separate from my real life, or any concept i have of myself. this is evident in a lot of little ways. i haven't taken a coffee mug there, but instead am using one of theirs. that's huge for me.

the right foot

even though, as is typical on a sunday night, i didn't go to bed before midnight, i obeyed the 6 am alarm. by 6:15 i was mounted on an elliptical starting a cross country routine. my iPod did blitz on me for a second, but soon found its bearnings and i pushed on without interrupting my groove too much.

now i'm making coffee and applying lipstick. it's just like old times.

Divesting

It's Friday afternoon at The Baltimore Chronicles, and I'm doing laundry, purging my closet of items that just don't work anymore, never worked, or that I've finally come to terms with the fact that I cannot get into due to weight gain. Facing the undiluted truth is the most important part of any new venture.

I've also cleaned out my wallet--finally threw out irrelevant business cards--and enforced a strict coda of card-facing direction. It's all very cleansing.

Next, while the laundry churns on, I'm going to write an exhaustive grocery list (Wegman's is tonight since neither C nor I felt like it the other day). I'm also going to craft a list of short- and long-term items that we need for the house.

I want to start Monday off on the right foot, complete with 6 a.m. workout and a protein-packed smoothie of some kind. I'm determined to have a good summer and to rebound, soundly, from the last 10 weeks of soul-crushing doubt and lack of purpose.

Credit Score Check-in

It's a beautiful day in the city of charm and I'm in a good mood for a few reasons. Breakfast with my dear Catchka-one at the City Cafe (Charlie Parker serenading us, to boot) was wholly satisfying, the dog was well-behaved on her afternoon walk, and I'm revitalized after a generous nap.

I decided to check in with my credit report and score, which when I last looked was stable and in repair from the foolish financial folly that lasted from my late 20s to just last year. Well, now I am a mere 7 points away from the number I wanted to reach by January of 2010. At the rate I'm going, by the new year I could be beyond "good" and at "exceptional" with only school loan debt and the negligible revolving balance on the one card that gets billed for the monthly credit report service I use.

Because of the generosity of friends and the cushion I had working for me during this time of unemployment, I haven't had to resort to using my newly paid-off credit cards once, which is something of a miracle.

Tonight C and I are going to Wegman's for the superior produce and impressive variety of good foods. I'm feeling all manner of inspired to shop well and cook creatively. I'm headed back to the grind, so getting myself in the right head space will be crucial for success.

Breakfast with Catchka/rest of the week

in about two hours, Catchka will arrive and we'll go off in search of breakfast. We're celebrating her graduation from her program, her stupendous performance in said program (all As in all courses for the 2-year duration), and stellar performance on an exam that represents another important hurdle.

two months from now, we'll be celebrating Sarah's MBA completion, and she, too will have finished with all As. Man, I've got some smarty-pants friends.

tomorrow morning, i'll go down to silver spring during the day to hang out with my youngest sister to play pool until she has to report to work (late afternoon), then i'll come home and join some friends from my program for "Star Trek" at the theatre downtown. I'm not a trekkie by any means (though I fondly remember the original series), but I've been captured by the hype surrounding this one and cannot wait to see it.

good news

Found out that I got an A in Electronic Publishing. Big thanks to Sarah, Rafe, and Abby for their help and technical expertise this semester. Your contribution was invaluable!

Also, wrote a poem for the first time in more than two years tonight! Here's hoping that I'm entering a period of creativity and release.

Unemployment Rehab!

i had a raging headache for most of Sunday that only broke with some combination of ibuprofen, excedrin, coffee, and a mudslide. I was at a dinner theatre production of Disney's Beauty & The Beast (C's Mother's day gift to my mom, who loves community theatre), and couldn't properly enter in to the spirit of the event with my frontal lobe under attack like that.

once the pressure lifted i had a clear head for pondering. i came to the conclusion that i've taken about 20 generic advil in the last 5 days for one kind of pain or another. psychosomatic? probably.

Green Tea Interview

As most of you could probably guess, there's one thing (in addition to requisite extra copies of my resume) I make sure to have with me on any job interview. Coffee--in designer travel mug or to go cup--is my prop of choice. It serves a practical purpose as well as an aesthetic one. It's comfort and wakefulness in one beverage. It also gives me something to hold, thoughtfully, as I answer questions with aplomb and intellectual dexterity. it's a taste thing, too. It soothes and perplexes me.

For reasons I'll explain at a later time, I'm doing a coffee hiatus for a little while, so this morning's routine was absent the slow, steady chug of of the drip machine and the warm, full scent of hazelnut and java bean comingling to create instant happiness. This morning, there was the kettle and Lipton green tea bag.

I know that tea lovers wax poetic about the ritual of tea-making, and I am acquainted with those as well. I'm no hater. I firmly assert that tea has its place in the lexicon of hot beverages that I love and for which I am grateful, but it's no secret that my primary loyalty is to the coffee bean.
So, because I didn't have time to steep loose, pressed leaves, I had no romance on that front, either.

The point is that I sipped from a tumbler of unsweetened, categorically healthful antioxidants while I waited in the lobby of the building where I hope to work in the near future. I'm optimistic. I'm hopeful.

run down

in spite of a general malaise that i think has to do with not getting enough rest lately, it's been a good week. not only did i finish my memoir revisions with time to spare, but i also got to have lunch with B, my friend and former coworker, today at Marie Louise. I haven't seen her in at least six months, so we had a ton of catching up to do.

because she needed to print out directions to her next destination, she got to meet the illustrious babygirl, who did her usual posturing and growling, but eventually calmed down. i had to have her on a leash during the acclimation period (more so B could feel comfortable and assured that i had control over her).

after the dog's afternoon walk, i went out alone for dog food (we'd run out), then i got back, couldn't find my cell phone, and walked back to the bistro where i'd had lunch. it wasn't there. apparently, if i'd just felt in the secret compartment of my purse, i'd have found it there. what a waste. all the in and out has made for a surreal afternoon.

once C gets home we'll head down to campus for an evening reading and then push on to my mom's later tonight for Mother's Day weekend festivities. My "meeting" was moved to Monday morning. Hope I'm feeling completely well by then.

I Know It's Been a Minute Since I've Posted

but i've actually been in head down mode. even though i willingly, happily sacrified a few prime days of revision time for the charleston trip, i made up for it in spades starting this Sunday morning. I know it must be spring, because I'm waking up every morning at 6:30, wide awake, regardless of what time I go to bed.

Tomorrow, my spring semester wraps up, and I think I've managed to pull off a miracle. With the invaluable help of program mates and friends, electronic publishing ended on a high note on Monday night with the demonstration of end of term projects. Tomorrow, I turn in four revised essays that represent all the writing I've done this semester. Because I was inspired, I also wrote another, bonus essay to include in the packet for my instructor's feedback.

it's my way of going above and beyond. right now, i'm carrying a B+ in memoir, and I want to bring that up to an A. I'm actually hoping to do what I didn't do last term, and get As in both classes.

I have a meeting on Friday morning, and I am cautiously hopeful. My last interview went well, but I was not offered an opportunity to come back for a subsequent meeting. Beyond Friday's meeting, I have a couple of other irons in the fire. Something's got to work out soon, right?

frustrated

i'm uncertain about where things stand. i don't know if i'm waiting to hear if i'm going to start or waiting to start. i'm uncertain about the whole of my life, really.

and i'm frustrated that my memoir workshop class discussed my piece in my absence--i can barely trust them to "get" my pieces when i'm physically in the room with them. who knows what in God's name they came up with on their own. How did that happen, anyway? it's not protocol for us to do that when someone's not there...

it's my last night in charleston, and i'm glad of that. lovely town, but i've got things to attend to at home.