*blink*

most decisions are made in an instant.

Couples!

The Autumnal Fete made made me realize, again, just how wonderful my friends are. The guests were comprised of singles and couples--the best cross section of all my relationships. Sarah managed to get some pics of a few of these couples and after downloading them to my computer, I found my self studying each one for long periods of time. I could see in each photograph the essence of the relationships. The delightfully playful and sweet Monito and his Devika, M & R's committment to each other--the realness of them as a twosome, B and S's electric chemistry, The comfortability and complete oneness of D & J. The thing is, all of these people, together, have all of these things (though the pics reveal one element of who they are as twosomes). Something about it made me feel hopeful, but wonderfully, happily sad.

I know it's weird, but I kept the photos up and open while I worked today. It made me feel better, closer to them, closer to something.

I'm all fiercely independent (and not at all sure that i'm cut out for a relationship), but if I could find a man who excited my skin, who wouldn't try to keep me on a leash, who'd let me love him fiercely while protecting his solitude, his freedom, and his independence, well i'd be there.

why can't i get over some things? that's what i need to know. i keep dreaming about mr. close encounters. he made such a mistake.

Know when to give up; don't stay too long at the fair

[now with spelling errors and typos corrected :)]

Because some idiocy deserves to be called out, I'll tell you the following:

Case Study #1

Remember the guy I mentioned who wrote to me a week or so ago? The one whose overture I took as a confirmation that I should indeed be putting myself back in the dating circuit? You might also recall, then, that I said that either he'd written to me before and I didn't respond (b/c I wasn't interested), or I simply remembered his profile (and wasn't interested).

This person wrote to me again last night. This time his note was antagonistic. He wondered if I was too booshey [sic] to answer him. He went on to conjecture that if he'd mentioned having a lexus and a lot of "bling," I might have responsded to him. "LOL."

Case Study #2

During my first online dating stint last spring there was a man with whom I exchanged a few e-mails--mostly because he asked me lots of questions and filled his notes with all sorts of trilly compliments that it would have been awkward to leave unacknowledged. I wasn't interested in this person and he never asked me out (I was grateful for that--because of the aforementioned lack of interest). Well, he also wrote to me again last night. I've been inactive on this site since April! My profile has only been searchable [again] for a few days (though I don't currently subscribe, so I can't really respond to anyone, except in the most limited capacity)!

I didn't even read his message. The truncated version that I could see without clicking on it:

"You BEAM with intelligence!"

I have been hesitant to get hooked back up with this site just because it's a little demoralizing to be seen fishing the same river twice. Many of the men from my last go-round are still there. Maybe I won't subscribe. Maybe I'll try my luck in another venue. Not EHarmony, though. I can tell you that much. I'm not into their system (or their commercials which oh so subtly imply that "compatibility" always means dating someone of the exact same race).

new life in the neighborhood

now that those condos on the fateful corner of charles & preston are nearly completed, a starbucks has joined in. it's not open yet, but it's looking finished on the inside. that sign saying "coming soon," is finally true to its word. do you understand how this changes my life? i only pass that corner ten times a week. :)

oh. and five men have written to me since i made my dating profile "live" again as of about 10 o'clock last night. after all of my protestations to the contrary, the time suddenly felt right. like most of the best decisions i've ever made, i made it in the blink of an eye.

this week's challenges: lose two pounds and do not check my work e-mail after i leave the office for the day.

Letting in Loveliness

the last time I checked in I wasn't doing so well. I'd been tense (increasingly so over a period of days), hormonal, insecure, and my perfectionist streak, as usual, was proving to be a liability.

a planned day off on Friday was the perfect mental health respite. I woke up at 6 (not 5!) and went to the gym for a beautiful 50-minute elliptical ride, went to the bank afterward to pick up quarters for laundry, then came home and did said laundry. A long, leisurely shower later and I was ready to head up to the suburbs to pick up a few trinkets and tokens for Sarah--this weekend was the friendaversary gift exchange. Friday also happened to be her last day at her job, so I wanted to find something appropriate to mark that occasion as well.

I met up with S and two of her now former coworkers for dinner at Christopher Daniel. I decided that I would definitely get a cocktail--my signature vodka martini--up. I opted to do two starters for my meal--cashew encrusted lamb chops (baby chops) in a hoisin sauce and bbq shrimp on a scallion grit cake. Dessert was a pumpkin bread pudding and decaf (black) coffee.

Saturday was delightfully busy. Sarah set up her new laptop (much needed for her online grad program), we did some preliminary shopping for next weekend's party, then we met up with E for a girls' night of sushi and gabbing about boys. Even though my weekend has been pleasant, even-paced, and stress-free, i've still found it difficult to get work off of my mind.

After Sarah dropped me off at home early this afternoon, I made my way to the gym (had to make up for the turtle chex mix, volcano roll, and 3 glasses of pinot noir debacle of last night). Forced myself not to go into the office afterward (right next door to the gym) to review edits/comments on my project documents. Whatever happened while I was out will keep until tomorrow. I've become obsessive and unhealthy. Stepping back in order to gain some perspective is my next crucial step.

I think I've got a solid game plan in place. I'm only halfway through. It's not too late to change things for the better. What I'm doing, the way I'm doing it isn't working. I've got to grow up and prove that I deserve the responsibility I've been given. I need to relax. Time and time again I see it. When I panic, I make stupid choices.

So. I'm going to keep working hard and smart at the office. and I'm going to plan this fete, and I'm going to keep it steady.

I'm also going to let go of whatever it is that keeps the loveliness from coming in. One thing at a time.

just a few notes

1. i don't appreciate being talked down to. it is significantly worse when the person doing the condescending is ten years my junior. i was thisclose to snapping.

2. i think i'm over spin. it's just not giving me the feeling/rush i need anymore.

3. i have been having disturbing, blood-soaked, pain-wracked dreams. they are all about my current project.

4. tomorrow i'm off (have to run errands and do laundry). i'm thinking it's for the best.

Chicken Salad

is all i could think about for the better part of the day. in fact, it was my motivation to make it through the stacks and stacks of editing on my desk. i imagined myself at home, rough chopping the chicken breasts i made a few nights ago--stirring in balsamic vinaigrette and light lemonnaise (instead of mayonnaise!)--then toasting the oat honey wheat bread, slicing the heirloom tomato...

the first bite was bliss.

Just thinking about it [for now]

Just about every two years, I start to yearn for change. Even though my lease defaulted to a month-to-month agreement after the first year and I can technically move any time, I think that I'm going to settle in to some new digs in late March/Early April. The basic parameters are these: I want to stay in my neighborhood (it's the best, most strategically-located where my life and priorities are concerned) and I want central air.

I may not move. My apartment is pretty sweet--in many ways the fulfillment of all my dreams (2 years ago), but that doesn't mean it has to be forever. What I needed then may not be what I need in 5 months' time.

Friendaversary

Sarah and I have been in each other's lives for 10 years, as of this past Wednesday. We've earmarked the whole month to commemorate our journey up to this point. She sent me flowers (to my job) on the day proper, but our true gift exchange is next weekend, then of course there is our jointly hosted party at the end of the month (which is not about Friendaversary, per se) that will round everything out.

We've never had more to celebrate at one time! Sarah's new job where she will really get to use her amazing skill set and where that contribution will be valued is the obvious list topper, but there's also the fact that she's already shining in her MBA program (just 5 weeks in!.) Her life is finally lining up the way she's always envisioned and I revel in that as though it was my own victory. Her victories are mine, really.

Productive

I planned to come home from work and make some strides on my secret [for now] project. Victory is mine! After dinner, I headed for my office and got down to business.

Am relieved. My Race for the Cure t-shirt and bib number arrived in today's mail. Really looking forward to Sunday and breakfast afterward with E.

The Grown Up Thing

I overspent on Saturday. I probably shouldn't have bought anything "fun" during a rent pay cycle, but there were purchases from two stores in particular that were truly unnecessary--so much so that I couldn't even enjoy them once I got them home. After stressing over the prospect of coming up short, I made a decision. I called up my good friend E and asked if she would convey me to the suburbs to return the items.

I was dreading being asked by the cashiers the reason for the returns, and to mitigate embarrassment I thought of a couple of solid, reasonable excuses to use at the moment of qeustioning. I realized though, that part of growing up is telling the truth to others and to yourself.

So, when the question came (twice, once in each store), I said "I shouldn't have bought these things to begin with. I actually can't afford them."

3%

After 4 days of not weighing myself, I was chagrined to notice a gain on Saturday morning instead of the two-pound loss I'd been hoping for. I hadn't been able to exercise as much or as vigorously due to a couple of strained muscles, but I still made it to the gym 3 times by Friday morning and did one morning of resistance bands training at home. As for food, I definitely ate like someone in loss mode.

I did not feel like I was going to see a loss even before the weigh-in, but I was still hopeful. I thought I discerned even more room in some pants and then there was the milestone of getting, comfortably, into those size 10s mid-week, so I thought my body might just surprise me.

On Friday night, I did splurge a bit on green tea ice cream after sushi (relatively reasonable rolls--1 spicy tuna and 1 spicy salmon), but that certainly wouldn't have yielded a pound overnight. I felt betrayed, discouraged, and angry. I still put forth a good effort on the elliptical on Saturday morning (50 minutes of the cross country program--burned roughly 640 calories), even after the disheartening digital read out.

I didn't eat beforehand, so I wolfed down two bowls of cornflakes (with skim milk) afterward. I didn't eat again until later in the afternoon. The rest of my food choices were in no way conservative. Today was better. In fact, now that I've been grocery shopping I can say that the whole week for food will be good. I am stocked up on all my favourite staples: tilapia, oranges, pears, light laughing cow cheese wedges, chicken sausage links (for breakfast), carrot juice, fat free yogurt, etc.

Because my strain is better, I will be exercising every day this week with the exception of next Saturday. Sunday the 14th is Race for the Cure--and though I'll be walking, it is a 5K. That's going to be good for me and feel exhilarating. I know people say you don't need to go to the gym everyday, that you shouldn't, in fact, but I don't see results in a given week if I don't.

In addition to the fact that I haven't been as consistent with food choices as I could have been, I think I am also retaining water (I consumed at least 1.5 liters a day M-F). Fruit and vegetable consumption was on the wane because I was at the end of a grocery cycle last week.Will remedy that over the next severl days.

Tonight, before I did two DVD routines (resistance bands and sculpt/strength), I had the bright idea to check my body fat percentage. 36%. 3% less than the last time I checked.

This is the hard part. The part where I am actively building more muscle so the trade off is that I don't see the scale number descend. I'd thought about going back to my daily weighing, but that might really mess me up. I can't very well stop lifting (I was tempted to go this route). That's the ticket to reaching my goal in the long run.

not before i'm ready

i've been considering putting myself back "out there." as much as i'd like to believe you can still meet a nice guy to date through some organic context like friends, a common hobby, or even while you're both waiting on line at the neighborhood coffee shop, i know that that is so 1993. Online--that is to say the Internet--is the organic context through which people meet now.

i'm chagrined to return to the same well twice, but i also understand one simple fact. i went on 4 dates in the space of a month and a half last spring because i put myself on a dating site, not because any of my friends knew someone or because a smart hottie saw me poring over a formidable text at Barnes & Noble and just had to have my number.

i can say this. i won't be making any moves in this direction until i reach my goal weight. both of these pursuits (relationships and fitness) require a great deal of effort and energy and i won't shortchange my own processes this time. and beyond that, even, i've got another "thing" going on. i've got to get this side "project" to a good point before i can take on men and their craziness again.

so why did i bring this up, then? because for the first time in months someone made an overture toward me via the aforementioned dating site even though my profile is inactive and "unsearchable." actually, this guy wrote to me before and i wasn't interested. or maybe i just remember his profile. in any case, he's not the point. the point is that i think this happened because it will be time, soon, to revisit that weird little world of first dates.

i can't stay hung up on the last man i kissed, afterall. he's nowhere to be found.

Try this on for size

On Sunday I had the occasion to visit a fairly well known shoe store. Their fall collection was actually somewhat inspiring so I decided to head to the aisle that housed my size to try on several pair. I was surprised to find that size ( 8 1/2) to be much too big. I went to the 8s. Still too big. It seems that at some point over the course of the last three months I have lost an entire shoe size and am now back in the size I last wore toward the end of high school (or perhaps the very beginning of college).

Somewhat related: had a dream a couple of nights ago that my father was standing in my bedroom facing me while I weighed myself on the bathroom scale. He admonished me to stop weighing myself every day (which I do). To that end (and also because I'm just far too obsessive for my own good), I have decided not to weigh myself again until Saturday morning (this morning was the last time until then).

On other size fronts, am fitting well into a pair of pants that I've always held up as a lofty goal, a someday prospect. They'll feel ideal in a pound or two, but are well within the realm of reason now, so I'm going for it.

Am still hovering between 4 and 5 pounds away from my interim goal.

Was back in the gym this morning after a Sunday and Monday hiatus (strained glute and quad). Took it real slow on the elliptical (normally this would have been a spin day) and did some upper body work. Tomorrow will be the same.