Drama!

so. my other sister, 22, is dating a 35-year old man she met online. This is not going over well with my mother. As for me, I think the affair is ill-fated, but must run its course. In truth, the whole thing feels sinister to me. Not throat-slashed-found-in-bushes sinister, but more like this-can't-end-well sinister.

i'm in such a weird place right now. i don't feel like i have much ability to work up the motivation to go to the gym. that is unsettling. i did go yesterday, but given that i worked until about 11:30 last night (and then had to decompress by reading some of Mark Haddon's A Spot of Bother), I decided to sleep in until 6:40 this morning.

last night was the end of my working from home for the next month at least, so i should be able to make it to work out every other day this week (spin tomorrow!). getting my life to settle down has been such a trick. anyway, the extra effort paid off. i began things at the office today on a pretty level playing field. what is even better, i delegated some stuff to other people (some resources were suddenly freed up), which also helped.

am excited. i just started Ayn Rand's The Fountainhead. Page 1. Maybe i'll be done by Christmas. Speaking of Christmas and the par-for-the-course festivities of December, i'm trying to think through days i want to take off/work from home. Haven't got it totally worked out yet.

i say it every year, but am really looking to pare down holiday stuff this year. not the celebrating and the warmth, but the spending and the eating. goodness. the eating.

i really want to do something nice for my sisters. mulling it over.

warmth

my married sister, left, hosted our holiday this year. my mother made several of the dishes and brought them with her, but Crystal, Caryl, and I made the green beans, the ham, and the candied-liquered yams.

I managed to relax (not hosting has its privileges) in spite of my looming deadlines. My sisters are such a comfort, such a haven for me. God, it's bliss being with them.

I was back home in Baltimore as of late morning yesterday and got down to editing the stacks that were waiting for me. Once back from Sarah's this evening, I set to work again. Here it is, 12:30 and I'm just calling it quits for the night.

Chinese takeout for the second night in a row--this is not good for the waistline--has me worried about my fitness goals. I can't do it all, but in spite of a full day's work to complete tomorrow, I will go to the gym. I keep telling myself that I can't sacrifice the self-care, but it's hard to make it a priority when I just want to get back to ground zero with my scheduled deliverables.

Anyway, life keeps happening all around. In spite of a pivotal, breakthrough conversation with her husband a few weeks ago, my sister still isn't sure that they're going to go the distance. We live in a society where marriage is so disposable. And yet, I don't know that toughing it out is always the best course of action. Something to be said for cutting your losses and not wasting 20 years.

Hard to know--what's a storm to weather? What's a storm to flee?

In the spirit of Scarlett O'hara, I have to admit. I can't think about this right now. I'll think about it tomorrow. Back to my book.

just finished up some work

i got up at about 10 today, got to work (work work) immediately,and stayed faithful to the task until about 1:30, at which time i set out for the library. On the way home from returning books (and checking out two new ones), I decided to go to the gym (after a 10-day hiatus). The plan is to go tomorrow and Tuesday, and do resistance bands from home in the morning on Wednesday. I'm working from home that day [with a short break for a breakfast meeting with V], then heading to my mother's house that afternoon.

speaking of the gym, will likely change my membership status to "off-peak." The rate is going up in January. just have to make sure there are no weekend restrictions before i downgrade. I know I couldn't go between 5 and 8 on weeknights, but I don't do that now... The only reason I have nonrestricted membership is b/c I didn't want to feel that I didn't have the option. Well. Screw the option.

I'm thinking I'll put up the Christmas tree on Tuesday night. It's become my tradition to do that on Thanksgiving, but since I won't be here and don't want it to wait until next weekend--it'll be a bit early this year.

had a dream last night. was kissing a former prof--short, tender little kisses. not exactly chaste, but measured. this is odd, now, because my crush on him was vanquished by brief romantic dalliance with mr. close encounters. am probably just worried about his recommendation letter getting to the grad admissions office on time (new program to which i've applied) and this is the way the stress is revealing itself.

Silly [of me]

Listening to a real throwback from my childhood--Deniece Williams' "Silly," in which she intones "silly of me to go around and brag about the love I found... foolish of me to tell them all that every night and day you call when you could care less..." It reminds me of being 7, driving around with my mom and dad, belting it out and the top of my lungs.

Last night after V's surprise birthday party Sarah helped me figure out my iPod issue. Basically, updating its software made it incompatible with my not updated iTunes. When I got home tonight, I downloaded the new version of iTunes. I got some weird message telling me that there is a software update for my iPod, but I skipped it this time. Whever Apple updates its systems, there's often a resulting bug. No thank you. Anyway, I can now add songs back onto Kafka--and they actually show up (they weren't after I resynced on Thursday night).

Meant to come home early today and get a lot of work done, but a muscle relaxant debacle followed by a not-having-cash-on-hand for the light rail debacle meant extra time with Sarah (I did not emerge from my coma until 12:30!!!). After lunch she dropped me off at the train. I'd stood there for about 2 minutes when I realized that a) I needed to buy a pass and b)that I had no money with which to buy said pass. I called Sarah and she turned right back around and picked me up. I headed to points north with her. Ended up buying a new workout outfit, a Pashmina (13.00), and new bedroom slippers.

Another added benefit is that I got to grocery shop at Whole Foods. Bought some Aztec hot cocoa powder. Spicy! Now I have a great use for all that fat free half & half I bought for the party.

Just a few minutes before 9 and I'm just sitting down to get through some of my editing stacks.

Rough Starts; Smooth Endings

Let's see. Somehow I managed to remove all the content from my iPod, get my feet wet, prove unable to pay bills online... all this equals me being slightly out of sorts first thing in the morning.

Did I mention that my feet got wet on the way to work?! Bleah.

In spite of expecting today to suck. big time. I managed to have a semi-productive day and my weekly status meeting wasn't half as stressful as I was anticipating.

I'm slowly but surely adding my music back into "Kakfa's" files.

Read this pre-chick lit chick lit book Sheila Levine is Dead and Living in New York. It's a histrionic (intentionally so) voice piece that ends on this really weird note. I think I dreamt about it, but I can't be sure. Now I resume, between working, my place in The Curious Incident of the Dog Incident in the Night-Time.

And incidentally. A mellow Shiraz helps these weird little rough patches. just a bit.

Back on the ground

A business trip to Chicago (just for the day) yesterday meant that I was in the air again. That's 6 takeoffs and 6 landings in the space of about 5 days (the El Paso trip meant connecting). In an effort to regain some equilibrium, I worked from home today and I was more productive than I have been in an age. I needed to get away from my work phone and keep e-mail contact to a minimum.

Too bad I have to go back tomorrow. In any case, I'll definitely be putting in some hours this weekend to make up for lost time.

Not much is new except that I've gained about 3 pounds. It's the stress and the interruption to my workout schedule... and the fact that I've made some bad choices lately.

Trying to turn it around. I'm hoping for no more trips until the spring, at least.

If You're Ever Down in Texas, Look Me Up

Good morning, blog subscribers. I know I promised you more interesting posts now that The Baltimore Chronicles is invitation-only, but I've hardly had time to post at all for the last several days. Mea culpa!

I am in an El Paso hotel room, fresh from the shower, and sipping the first coffee of the day. It is just after 6--but for you darlings back East, it is about 10 past 8. Time Travel. You are in the future--so tell me. What happens?!

The sun hasn't really come up yet, so I am typing to the backdrop of a twilight sky and Miles Davis' version of 'Round Midnight (which the great Thelonious Monk wrote). I woke up at 5 (7) so I could work out on the ancient elliptical contraption in the fitness center. At least it's something. I was feeling over it after about 22 minutes, a paltry showing (though I did manage to work up a good sweat).

The first leg of the journey (Baltimore to Albequerque) was four hours long so Southwest was generous with the snacks (dried fruit and nuts, cracker sticks & processed cheese, 100-calorie pack Chips Ahoy!, and honey roasted peanuts)--most of which I ate. I read the lion's share of a 200-page book and even managed a jerky nap (you know when you keep jerking awake because you don't have a suitable place to rest your head? I should really invest in an airplane pillow...)

I had been doing quite well, food-wise this week. Traveling throws things off, though. Yesterday morning I had a single packet of instant oatmeal before heading to BWI a couple of hours later. Obviously, my hunger was exaggerated by the time I made it through the security checkpoints. Lunch was the airport subway where I got a foot-long. I also indulged the Starbucks' seasonal offerings (I do love the pumpkin spice and gingerbread lattes--nonfat, of course).

My coworker and traveling companion and I got in at about 7 or so last night, took an hour to decompress, then hit the cute little Italian place next door to our digs. I ordered calamari and a salad for dinner, but the presentation of the calamari threw me off. It was like fishsticks or something. I asked my server about it and she assured me that it was indeed calamari. I was expecting rings and feet--you know what I mean. I ate it, though. A Guinness rounded things out nicely. B and I were spent at that point (9 here, 11 at home) so we adjourned back to our respective room and turned in. We're meeting up in about 45 minutes for breakfast and then on to register for the conference we're attending.

The sun's up now, y'all. I gotta get a move on.

The Weekend...

started off on Friday night with a humble dinner from Subway with Alexis. We finished up at the new Starbucks where I got my signature venti decaf/nonfat capuccino with 2 (but sometimes just 1) pump of sugarfree hazelnut syrup.

Saturday Sarah and I hooked up fairly early for a trip to the post office (had to mail off some grad school application components--here's hoping!), to visit her office, and then to meet up with a former coworker of hers for sushi in the suburbs.

This morning something of an impromptu scone party at the same former coworker's house. I ate 4. I also took two home. Scones are a real weakness. I can feel that I've gained some weight this week. The office Potluck on Wednesday was the beginning of my downward spiral. Hoping to regain some ground (by losing) this week.

After grocery shopping late this morning I came home, got settled, and trekked to the library to pick up some reading material (had a $4.00 fine, but because the Enoch Pratt Free Library system is cash only, could only pay half of it. It's fortunate that I had any cash at all--enough to remove the block on my card), namely *blink* which I've wanted to investigate for a while now.

Beginning on Thursday, I fly out of town (business) and will be gone through the weekend. Then, on next Tuesday I'm out of town for the day again. Soon after that it will be Thanksgiving, so I've got to get vigilant about keeping the food intake in check and the exercise consistent. I'm too close to give up now. Scones be damned!

In other news, I have Eighty Sixed my online dating activities (did I already mention this?). I didn't just make my profile unsearchable, I deleted it. Between ensuring a continued commitment to weightloss and to continuing my education (and staying on top of my work projects), I've got plenty going on.

I do feel that my brief foray back into this world served me well on one point, though. There was another interaction aside from the one I had going with the fetishist lecturer that I also put the kibosh on (on which I also put the kibosh?). A nondescript but respectful gentleman wrote to me. I wrote back because his note was careful, struck a good tone, and I wasn't altogether sure that I wouldn't want to go out with him at least once. I suspected, but...

We exchanged a few e-mails over the course of a few days. He asked good questions, made good points, represented well in print, but I didn't feel myself feeling the spark of intrigue that is necessary to keep these things going. He called me one night last week and that settled it. Definitely not interested. I remembered just how important the sound (tambre, tone, etc.) of voice is in the overall attractiveness package. What is more, I was pretty bored.

I debated keeping plans to meet for coffee or something,but then wondered why. I already knew I didn't care to keep it going. Who was I to think that he'd want to meet me under those circumstances? Because of the nature of the business of online dating, it's okay to take advantage of that beautiful period of time in which neither party owes the other any explanation. I sent a general but direct note that told him how much I appreciated his initiation and his time, but that in the interest of fairness I needed to let him know that I did not want to continue communication or to meet.

It was as simple as that. And with my quiet but definitive statement I got back a bit of what I lost when Mr. Close Encounters ended things with me. It actually helped me to let go of all that a bit more. As much as any legitimate regret I had about his lack of interest (ultimately), I also know that my pride was hurt at the rejection.

You May Be Wondering Why I've Gathered You All Here...

Last night I met a man for coffee. I made this person's acquaintance through Yahoo! Personals (I recently reengaged the world of online dating). His initial note stated that he thought we'd be intellectually compatible though not, in all likelihood, a romantic match; we began to exchange a series of e-mails.

It was clear to me based on his photos that I was in no danger of being physically attracted to him, but his e-mails were wonderfully intelligent and I was intrigued by his being a lecturer at a local university (he has a Ph.D in History) and a playwright.

Very early on in our e-mail exchanges he told me that he "makes liberal use" of Internet search engines and had already discovered my blog. On the one hand there was something off putting about this, on the other I reasoned that he was being completely above board and that it would be sinister for him to have found it, read it, but to have said nothing...

He wondered if he would be walking into what he called the "equivalent of a reality tv scenario" should he and I ever meet. I explained that while I certainly blog about my life, I do so with discretion. I assured him that one meeting (not even a date) with someone would likely not merit an entry, but that knowing his concern upfront ensured that I would not discuss it.

At the outset of our meeting, I discerned pathological, socially awkard behavior. His comments were astute, his conversation engaging (he referenced my blog liberally), and while I did not feel ill-at-ease, per se, I also understood that I would not likely meet up with him again. I hadn't ruled it out, but his awkwardness seemed to be of the prohibitive variety.

Anyway, the Starbucks where I'd agreed to meet him didn't have much in the way of seating so we decided to go to another restaurant (Donna's) on the same street. With one proviso. That we not walk past a particular establishment because he had a run-in with the proprietor(s) at some point, and he "didn't want them to see his face."

I didn't ask about it.

After wrapping up at Donna's (he paid for my food and drinks while I was in the bathroom--I'd intended to pay for myself, but he seemed nonplussed, so we moved on and I thanked him), he suggested that we go to a coffee shop across the street for more drinks. I agreed b/c I was having a pleasant enough time. I knew it was getting late, but didn't want to end things too abruptly.

Throughout the course of our conversation he mentioned other women he'd met, or not met, through the site. In one case where nothing had come of a series of e-mail exchanges, he told me that the woman had shared "enough about herself" that he'd been able to determine that she is a singer/songwriter. He went to some of her shows. I don't think he ever went up to her or approached her--and these events were public,so he did nothing wrong--but it's creepy, no?

He talked about his ex-wife and some searches he did for her and her now-husband and the things he found out.

I understand that we live in an age where "googling" people is not atypical. But there was something obsessive and not quite right about the inclination he has. I can't describe it. Obsessive isn't quite right, but close.

Anyway, we're at this second place and he prefaces the first of two fairly significant revelations with the following: "now i'm going to tell you the really juicy gossip."

He's a nudist.

[original text removed by author.]

The nudist/naturalist went on to tell me "I'm also into soft-core fetishes."

A sick feeling came over me.

He shared what his particular fetish is.

Earlier in the evening he'd spoken about a play he wrote that dealt with this topic. A lot of people write about a lot of things. I thought nothing of it. Seamy underbelly. Moving on.

But when he made these revelations my flight instincts kicked in to high gear. I knew that I needed to sqaush any inclination or self-imposed pressure I might have to "be nice."

As I sat there thinking of the most expedient way to leave, he said "just to let you know, being my friend has nothing to do with these elements of my life." I assured him that I understood that.

Then I made my excuses. He said again, "okay, but before you go, just know that these kinky preferences are distinct from my friendships."

So why did he tell me about them? Maybe out of a desire to be above board. Maybe because it's just his hook to tell the few women he writes (his profile is not viewable--I could only see it because he established contact with me) that he thinks they have intellectual simpatico so he can lure them out for drinks while he discusses his "interests."

In an attempt to make a graceful exit, I told him that I'd had a nice time, and may check out the music performances he'd mentioned, and that I'd "love to hang out again sometime." I despise myself for feeling that I had to say that to soften the blow, to make the exit easier. I just wanted out and needed to seize the moment.

True to his word, he sent me four of his plays (I requested these before the revelations). They arrived in my inbox about an hour after our meeting. I didn't reply to his e-mail with the attachments and I won't.

While in some sense the damage is done (He's read pages and pages and pages of my blog--tracking software enables me to determine this), I made my blog "invitation only," so that he cannot read more or go back to pages he's already read for reference.

Knowing him he's probably committed several things to memory. And I have written enough about my life that he'd be able to determine things I don't even want to think about.

I don't know if he's a potential danger or just creepy, but I felt weird about the idea of leaving my house at 5:20 to go to the gym (as is my habit)this morning, so I didn't.

I deleted my profile from Yahoo! Personals (the venture didn't really feel organic this time, anyway).

Statistically, I guess I was due to meet a freak--afterall, each of my previous exchanges were with fairly normal, well-adjusted men. They weren't right for me or even interesting (most of them), but I never felt like I felt last night.

So, welcome to my private blog. The entries will probably get decidedly more interesting (less need for discretion)as a result of this turn of events--but that's just a fun by-product of a necessary measure.

There you have it.