I feel that I should say something for myself...

I put up a decidedly anger-driven post on Sunday. I know that at least two people saw it before I removed it. It hadn't felt right to post even as I was doing it. Not that the things I wrote about aren't true--it is very much the case that I did not have a second date on Sunday afternoon as planned. And despite a mention of it being made up to me, there is nothing planned. But the stuff I said came from a place of such extreme fear, and once expelled, it was just toxic.

Last night I had a dream that I returned comments to him on a story of his. I was in my old apartment building (where he lived, in the context of this dream) and a classmate who had actually made the comments (because they were in a writing class together) gave the packet to me to pass along to him. She was trying to help me create a reason to bump into him.

The reception was chilly, to say the least. Once I start having the rejection dreams, I know what I'm being shown.

Weeks ago, when I joined this dating site, I likened it to stepping out onto an ice floe. I understood the inherent danger--of either meeting a series of men who would be unsuitable for one reason or another--and the less likely, but still possible scenario of meeting someone exciting, but with whom I could have no future (and by future I just mean a legitimate, consisent dating relationship).

I'm always looking for the object lesson. For me, perhaps, it is three-fold. 1) I learned that I could be supremely attracted to someone who is completely against type for me, 2) if I had it to do again, I would not have talked a lot about the date afterward (it really only sustained my excitement longer than it should have and created a false sense of certainty) and 3) this kind of thing happens. inexplicably. it's just the way things are.

Sometimes an equation yields parallel lines and in that case, there is no solution for the system.

My membership on the site lasts through August, I think. At this stage a few men are writing to me, but no one that I would even be willing to meet for coffee at this point. I'm sure it's just a bad cycle...