Satie

My morning so far:

Woke up with an incredible urge to buy some Dionne Warwick classics from iTunes. Specifically, I wanted the theme from Valley of the Dolls (gotta get, need to get, off of this ride...), but ended up purchasing "Alfie," "Do You Know The Way to San Jose?", "Walk on By," and "Anyone Who Had A Heart," as well. I'd been debating buying some Satie recordings so I added those to the cart, too. Now, post-manicure and a quick breakfast at a neighborhood cafe, I am attempting to deal with my hair--the French composer blaring in the background. It's all very post-modern, I assure you.

Operation: First Date Update

As most of you know (or have read), I joined a dating site last month with one goal in mind. I wanted to have gone on at least one date by this point. I have been on four, one of which felt like an actual date (i.e., sparks and he paid).

I have not been on a single outing in the last two weeks (the one second date I had scheduled was postponed) for a couple of reasons. A looming deadline at work required a greater degree of my emotional energy than usual, so I didn't much feel like doing the leg work to set up meetings with strangers, and the chemistry from my last first date kind of derailed me. I believe one could say I was trippin'.

Well, today was my deadline (soundly met, thank you, God) and I feel much lighter, much more capable of engaging the part of me that was shut down for the last 14 days.

I don't want to give the impression that there's been absolutely no activity at all. I have begun a conversation with someone who is looking for friends only--he's on his way back to town from the west, where he moved for a year. But today, after work, and before going to see "The Namesake" at The Charles, I wrote to two men. One guy is clear about the fact that he's looking for friends only (he's taken himself out of the "dating loop." I seriously wonder if that's some kind of angle he's working) and another man that I've thought about writing to before, but just didn't.

I went for a mid-morning walk (around the parking lot of my office building) and I said a prayer (something I'm doing more and more lately)for some semblance of normalcy and balance. For the last five days I haven't been able to get my head right no matter what I tried. I just couldn't make sense of basic, true things about my life.

So, my campaign continues in its original spirit. I want to go on as many first dates as possible (but only with men that I truly find intriguing in some way--I'm not indiscriminant). I'd forgotten my goal: To have interesting experiences, to be open to things I wouldn't normally be open to enjoying. This is not about true love. It's not about second dates. So I'm looking to schedule the next First Date.

In the meantime, I'm dating my damn self (see reference to taking myself to the movies above).

fragment/figment

you're like a crazy recurring dream, and in the dream, i always have plans to see you on thursday, but it never comes. it's always outside the parameters of my mind's conjecture. you're a disembodied voice on the telephone. my voice is wan, anemic, coming to you--barely--through frayed wires. i can hear you clearly, and being omniscient (as most dreamers are), can tell that your heart is not in our planned visit. you intend to make it, but in my heart, i feel that something will come up--an illness, an ice storm, a protest you forgot that you must attend if you are to take yourself seriously at all... but in the dream it never becomes thursday, so i don't know the outcome for my dream doppelganger--whether she is perpetually disappointed, waiting on the precipiece of Wednesday, knowing that you will not come, or whether, to her utter amazement, you materialize.

I'm so boring...

What type of person do you attract? Your Result: You attract Yuppies! You attract the very well-dressed, job oriented type of people. They usually have their finances together, are 'middle of the road' on most topics, generally happy with the 'main-stream' of things. If it is stability you are after, these are good people to attract, if you seek adventure, it may be time for an overhaul.
You attract models!
You attract geeks!
You attract rednecks!
You attract artsy people!
You attract unstable people!
What type of person do you attract? Quizzes for MySpace

So incorrect....I have no accent whatsoever.

What American accent do you have? Your Result: The Inland North   You may think you speak "Standard English straight out of the dictionary" but when you step away from the Great Lakes you get asked annoying questions like "Are you from Wisconsin?" or "Are you from Chicago?" Chances are you call carbonated drinks "pop."
The Northeast
Philadelphia
The Midland
The South
Boston
The West
North Central
What American accent do you have? Quiz Created on GoToQuiz

What Be Your Nerd Type? Your Result: Literature Nerd   Does sitting by a nice cozy fire, with a cup of hot tea/chocolate, and a book you can read for hours even when your eyes grow red and dry and you look sort of scary sitting there with your insomniac appearance? Then you fit this category perfectly! You love the power of the written word and it's eloquence; and you may like to read/write poetry or novels. You contribute to the smart people of today's society, however you can probably be overly-critical of works. It's okay. I understand.
Drama Nerd
Social Nerd
Gamer/Computer Nerd
Musician
Anime Nerd
Science/Math Nerd
Artistic Nerd
What Be Your Nerd Type? Quizzes for MySpace

I feel that I should say something for myself...

I put up a decidedly anger-driven post on Sunday. I know that at least two people saw it before I removed it. It hadn't felt right to post even as I was doing it. Not that the things I wrote about aren't true--it is very much the case that I did not have a second date on Sunday afternoon as planned. And despite a mention of it being made up to me, there is nothing planned. But the stuff I said came from a place of such extreme fear, and once expelled, it was just toxic.

Last night I had a dream that I returned comments to him on a story of his. I was in my old apartment building (where he lived, in the context of this dream) and a classmate who had actually made the comments (because they were in a writing class together) gave the packet to me to pass along to him. She was trying to help me create a reason to bump into him.

The reception was chilly, to say the least. Once I start having the rejection dreams, I know what I'm being shown.

Weeks ago, when I joined this dating site, I likened it to stepping out onto an ice floe. I understood the inherent danger--of either meeting a series of men who would be unsuitable for one reason or another--and the less likely, but still possible scenario of meeting someone exciting, but with whom I could have no future (and by future I just mean a legitimate, consisent dating relationship).

I'm always looking for the object lesson. For me, perhaps, it is three-fold. 1) I learned that I could be supremely attracted to someone who is completely against type for me, 2) if I had it to do again, I would not have talked a lot about the date afterward (it really only sustained my excitement longer than it should have and created a false sense of certainty) and 3) this kind of thing happens. inexplicably. it's just the way things are.

Sometimes an equation yields parallel lines and in that case, there is no solution for the system.

My membership on the site lasts through August, I think. At this stage a few men are writing to me, but no one that I would even be willing to meet for coffee at this point. I'm sure it's just a bad cycle...

	Friend Bear You are everyone's ideal friend because you are sincere and genuinely kind. Sometimes you worry about your friends' problems so much, you forget about your own responsibilities, which can get you into trouble. For you, it's the little things that really count. You also happen to be the main driver of the Cloud Car. No speeding!
Take the Which Care Bear Are You? Quiz!

Busy-ness = Cure for Obsessive Thinking

I've been way too occupied at work for the last couple of days to spare an ounce of energy on worrying about anything that is not work. And while I left the office last night with a solid wall of tension for a back, it was nothing a bubble bath (with bath confetti!) couldn't cure...

Before heading home,though, I did ride up to the suburbs in search of a dress to wear on my date tomorrow. After trying on several I remembered why dresses are my archnemesis. Short torso, short legs, hips, and an ample bust = pants.
It was only a mild disappointment. I usually don't even think to look for dresses, but something about the onset of spring and wanting to be romantic and coquettish made me think of a twirling skirt with hose and pumps.

I did find a couple of great tops, some fun accessories, and a way marked down pair of Steve Madden Mary Janes with a chunky heel. So tomorrow's outfit is all decided and I'm feeling pretty unphased for the time being.

Tonight I hang out with Sarah, E, and the good neurosurgeon. Should be a lovely occasion.

I've been trying not to blog out of my anxiety, hence the brief, sporadic posts of late. Things are good...deadlines at work loom large, but with an all-hands-on-deck philosophy, our team is making it, together, as we are wont to do.

As for the dating realm, things have been rocky, but not in a way that is totally awful. I had an excellent first date a week ago tonight and a pretty stellar text message the next morning which did much to buoy my spirits. The gentleman really enjoyed himself.

And then? Days of not much. Then,on Wednesday morning a follow-up e-mail; then some more texting, and I found myself, well...shutting down toward this person. Even once outing number 2 was scheduled for this sunday afternoon, I started to talk myself out of liking him (I told two people today that maybe I wouldn't enjoy him half as much in broad daylight).

I don't like having the rhythms of my life upset too much. After years of being twisted up in in knots all for naught, over a man, I am extremely protective of my sanity. I hated that I was all wound up wondering if I was actually going to see this person again. Just before he got back in touch (about four days after the first date) I was getting ready to write the experience off as a fluke.

After talking at length with Sarah about this I can see that I'm trying to do that preemptive thing again. It's tricky for me; I'm a complete dating novice (not to mention generally intolerant of having to wait). Truthfully speaking, I was just too excited about this guy too fast, which did nothing for my perspective.

He actually waited a judicious beat before contacting me again. Something that I would completely respect and attribute to a wonderful sense of pacing under normal circumstances(if I hadn't lost my mind completely there for a while).

So, in an effort to keep it real and to keep my peace of mind in check, I'm moving back to the middle. Whatever happens I'm vowing to have a measured reaction to it.

An Experiment

I'm trying something for the next little while. Being still and not racing to any conclusions. about anything.

i did a full program on the elliptical tonight. back in the game!

P.S.

I don't know why some of my comments links show up as "archived." It's a glitch. You can still click on the link to voice your opinions when that happens... just so you know :).

The demands of my day dictated a certain level of gravity. I am an editor, therefore I edit. Being an editor requires a singularity of focus it is damn hard to employ sometimes, under the most ideal circumstances. So much harder to affect when you've been kissed for the first time in 16 years. I told you, blog world, I am chaste. I meant it.


I'll spare you a pedantic post. Let this suffice for a summation of last night. The chemistry--conversational and physical--was intense.

we kissed goodnight.

Release

After hemming and hawing and mulling over my options, I did something mature. I wrote to Mr. Close Encounters and asked him to drop me a line to let me know if our tentative plans are a go. I eliminated all qualifiers and editorialized, apologetic words, and just put it as simply as possible. It was important to me to strike the right tone. I didn't want to communicate a)desperation, b)annoyance, or c)insecurity because none of those things were part of my experience. I did feel disappointed at the thought that nothing would come of our eerie pre-meeting last week, but it was nothing I couldn't get past. I just needed to close the loop.

I didn't feel right just deciding, preemptively, that it was a closed chapter (my usual modus operandi in these types of situations). So I convinced myself that it was not unreasonable to write again without the benefit of a last reply from him (I loathe having to contact someone again when the ball is decidedly in his court to get back to me). Whatever the outcome, I thought, taking back a bit of control will give me the peace of mind to not care whether he writes back. And it did.

He wrote this afternoon to suggest that we get together tomorrow. Along with the suggestion, he mentioned some other newsy things about his walks to work and how pleasant they've been in light of the weather. The timeframe he mentioned won't work, so I asked if we could push it back a bit. And now it's a done deal. Tomorrow night, I will actually have a conversation with the man I saw from across Calvert Street. Exactly one week from the day of that weird, highly-charged encounter.

I assumed that my prodding him with another note (via the site) was the impetus for his e-mail today, but when I logged on tonight, I saw that he has not been active for at least the last two days. So, whether I wrote him [again] or not, I would have heard from him today, it seems.

The object lesson for me is that it's okay for me to be present, to ask for confirmations, to decide how long I'm willing to indulge not knowing something crucial, how vital it is for me to do what I need to do in order to be okay with myself. It's not that my making choices changes another person, it changes me.

Honestly, there was a moment right after I read his e-mail when I felt just the tiniest bit disappointed that he had written after all... because I was so okay with never hearing from him again, because I wasn't waiting for him... I don't know if that makes any sense.

Don't get me wrong. I'm happy I'll actually get to meet him, but arriving at the point of peace with "whatever" put me in a different head space--a detached place of no clinging or grasping.

When what you want comes to you--after you've put it into perspective--it's still a welcome arrival, but not a matter of your life. Realizing this can only serve me well as I continue to navigate this new territory.

Still Pending?

I'm not so sure anymore. The last time I heard from Mr. Close Encounters was Friday evening. He suggested that we meet up this week. I replied and encouraged him to e-mail with a suggested day. And coming on 4 days since then.... nothing. Not a word. I know this kind of thing happens. The Fizzle Out Phenomenon.

As to guy #3, he did write me to suggest a follow up, but because I felt more "I could be his friend" than "I could be his lovah" vibes, I wrote back what I hoped was a breezy note telling him that it was great to meet him, that I felt that the two of us could be "terrific friends!" and that I'd be game to meet up again, but that the next several weeks will be nuts, so I'd have to drop him a line at some point when things calm down.

I was/am concerned about getting into a pattern with anyone that I already know I'm not interested in, romantically. I know that meeting up with him again would have been enjoyable, but I have to keep in mind that I didn't meet this person in class, or through some other context in which one could assume a premise of friendship. I have to be cognizant of the fact that I met this person through a dating context, so the expectations, at the outset, are a little different. I can't bumble into a scenario in which I have to consider someone else's investment in me. It's important not to be cavalier.

Another [decaf] latte, a nosy cabbie, and a rejection
(in the key of pizza and a martini, a la "Lush Life")

I met up with guy number 3* at the new Starbucks in Charles Village. Like the 2nd meeting, it was a pleasant, good conversation, nice rhythm, etc. He's been the only person so far to even suggest that we might meet up again. We ran the gamut of jazz, his work as a video journalist (he's the guy who filmed that unfortunate bird's collision with Fabio's nose), and politics--all very amicably and with a greater degree of ease than I had with either of the first two. He offered to give me a ride home afterward, and though I sensed that I would have been fine, that he was totally safe, I declined. I just like to maintain my independence in these scenarios as far as getting myself to and from the destinations on my own terms goes. I told him, non-comittally, to e-mail me (about meeting up again).

I came away from this experience feeling that I could be this guy's friend.

It wasn't too long before I sucessfully hailed a cab. The true anecdote begins once I was inside the Checker vehicle. My driver was obviously not a native speaker because his language constructs were circuitous and awkwardly formal. This did not deter him from being chatty in the least, though. He asked me if I was leaving work. I told him that I wasn't, and tried to leave it at that. He asked if I was headed home, so I told him that I was. Then he asked me what I'd been doing, where I'd been, etc.

Me: Meeting a friend for coffee.
Cabbie: Who paid?
Me [bewildered by the acuity of his question]: I did.
Cabbie: Why?
Me: Because I'm the one who wanted coffee...
Cabbie: Did he drink anything?
Me: No, actually.
Cabbie: Why?
Me [intrigued but wanting to end the interrogation]: Because he didn't want anything...

He went on to ask me "how often do you do this?" I asked him if he was asking how often I meet friends for coffee or how often I drink coffee. I kept to the story of having met a preexisting friend for coffee because it was easier than explaining that I met someone for coffee that I don't actually know for a quasi-date, etc.

Suddenly I was in the unenviable position of having to keep up a lie about catching up with an old friend for coffee, that yes I had known him a long time (Is he your "growing up neighborhood friend?"), that no, even though this person was my very old friend that I did not know what he did for a living (when the cabbie asked me about my friend's job).

Then he upped the ante. Big time. My driver tells me that it is possible that this friendship can become something more. I laughed nervously and in an attempt to brush him off told him that I supposed anything could happen... He then said "these things always begin that way." I continued to laugh nervously.

Thankfully, he didn't say anything more until he dropped me off in front of my building, but what he said next was just as unnerving as anything else.

Me: Thank you.
Cabbie: Okay; good luck with your relationships.
Me [uncertainly]: Um... thanks.

Even though this driver was unusually oblivious to his customer's boundaries, I think I indulged it as far as I did because his comments were eerily prescient. Not so much about this guy that I saw tonight, but just generally, intuitively sound given what I'm purusing in my life right now.

On other fronts, a man that I contacted via the site today (I had not initiated contact with anyone in days) wrote back to say, in so many words, "Thanks, but no thanks." He used the pre-fab message "I've just met someone and I want to see what develops."

I've realized that I like it much better when a rejection is silent. I prefer it when the guys just don't write back at all.

* not the guy I saw the other morning. that date is still pending.

Fishing for salmon, losing at backgammon...

Last night's cocktail fete (post a ceiling water damage maintenance scenario) was a success. I am amazed at how many dishes salad, hors d'oeuvres, pizza, and martinis can generate. I went home with Sarah afterward (midnight!) so a terriffic stack of plates and bowls were waiting for me when I got back home tonight. It took me about an hour to get everything back to normal (and hence my internal agitation barometer back to neutral).

The Sarah-one and I parted ways at Kohl's--she had to get to a friend's party--where I began to shop for some date outfits. It was a little depressing, though by no means surprising, to know that I am back up a few sizes. In spite of all that, I found two wonderful shirts, a sweater, a terrific pair of black pants, yoga pants, a pair of casual shoes, and other various and sundries. Though the fact of needing new clothes with which to make good first impressions on potential suitors prompted these purchases, these new things will be good for work, too. The yoga pants, obviously, are neither for dates nor work (unless I get suckered into a couples' yoga class at some point in the future).

As to being back in the larger sizes, all I can say is this: It's a good thing I joined a gym (right near work!) on Thursday. I start working out again next week. Thank God!

Close encounters of some kind or other

what would you say if I told you that as I was walking toward the light rail this morning (after a brief 7-11 coffee run) that I saw a man I've been communicating with for the last several days via the dating site?

I've only seen a few photos and exchanged limited e-mails with him,but when I saw him I knew who he was right away. And he saw me seeing him and I saw him seeing me. But neither of us said a word.

We were close enough to make each other out, but far enough away that calling out would have been ridiculous and not a little embarrassing. I thought about doing it anyway, but quickly rejected the idea in favour of my dignity. Clearly he did the same, because though he kept walking this morning (after staring at me for a judicious beat from the other side of Calvert street) I just got a note from him that said "i saw you this morning. didn't i?"

i feel so much more streamlined...

hair cut

The Part of You That No One Sees

You are powerful, passionate, and dominant.You have a vision of how things should be, and you do your best to make things happen.People rely on you for your strength. You are a rock to many. Underneath it all, you aren't so sure about your passions.So many ideas spark your interest, it is hard for you to get behind a select few.However, you see indecision as a sign of weakness. So you pursue your goals full force - no matter how foolish they turn out to be.

What's" the Part of You That No One Sees?

You Are Guinness

You know beer well, and you'll only drink the best beers in the world.Watered down beers disgust you, as do the people who drink them.When you drink, you tend to become a bit of a know it all - especially about subjects you don't know well.But your friends tolerate your drunken ways, because you introduce them to the best beers around.

What's" Your Beer Personality?

Manicure

i went for the purply-brown colour this time....

green tea latte... so zen!

She liked imaginary men best of all...

I did have a date on the books tonight, but mounting evidence dictated that I cancel it. Permanently.

About a week and a half ago an intriguing guy wrote to me and after a series of back-and-forth messages via the site's interface, we set up a plan to have coffee. A few days later during an instant message exchange he let me know that he'd like to wait until after his bi-weekly trip to Vegas to confirm. He explained that the Monday and Tuesday after a Vegas run can be "rough."

I wasn't terribly bothered (little investment makes for supreme peace of mind), but I registered the frequent gambling right away. He's gone twice a month since March of 2006! According to him he only breaks even because even though he wins, once he factors in the expense to get out there and back, he doesn't come out ahead.

As I mentioned, this man's profile intrigued me, and when I agreed to meet him for a late coffee at the One World it was with the understanding that this date would be more anecdote than anything else. It seemed to fit with my goal to be more open...to hilarity, to inanity, to whatever... And I thought he would make me laugh.

I wrote him yesterday morning to confirm for tonight. He responded, letting me know that he'd lost for the first time in a year, but hoped to recoup the thousands of dollars he was suddenly short by way of some other betting pool he was in. He still didn't know about Tuesday (tonight) because he needed to get some sleep, but that he would let me know today (Tuesday). He acknowledged that letting me know his plans on the day of would probably be too late.

Because I had plans last night, I decided to wait to see how I felt after that rendezvous to determine if I still wanted to keep the Tuesday plan with gambler guy. I realized that while I was truly not upset about his lack of commitment to the date we made, that this lack of commitment was not something I should indulge, certainly not for the sake of having a mere anecdote to share on The Baltimore Chronicles.

Between the compulsive betting and the lack of a firm grasp on subject-verb agreement/word choice, I decided to let his ship sail. I wrote him last night when I got back from the bar where I met the second first date and told him that a same-day confirmation would be cutting it too close and that due to my own social calendar, a reschedule was not something I could foresee.
I thanked him for contacting me initially and wished him the best.

This joker writes back and says:

"That was one strange response. So is it my lost or did I just get lucky?" [sic]

So, blog world, there's my anecdote from the date that wasn't.

The Kind of Thing You Only See In Scented, Glossy Magazines...

My second first date was significantly better than my first, first date, but there will not be a second date in this case, either.

He was incredibly nice, intelligent. Affable, witty, kept the conversation going. I knew that whatever happened this exchange would be pleasant and I wasn't nervous beforehand at all. This guy was just so much more mature, so much nicer than the first guy even in our initial e-mail exchanges. He presented just as well in person. But. No spark. What this date had in common with the first was the mutual understanding that there would be no future meetings. It wasn't as dramatically realized, but still obvious enough, I think, fairly early on.

What I've learned from these two social outings is that even when you know who you are looking for, you have no idea who the person is. In both cases, the live version of the photograph that piqued my interest had precious little to do with the actual person who came through the doors. And while neither of the men I've seen told me this, I am almost positive that they felt the same way upon seeing me. This is the girl I agreed to meet?

I continue to feel that this whole undertaking is a success because I am learning so much about myself in these scenarios. I'm learning something about men, and just the yearnings of people in general. We're all doing our best, hoping someone will find us interesting whether we are or not. In most cases, we are not half as intriguing or dynamic or funny or smart as we think we are.

We just have these little moments when a globally acceptable version of who we are emerges and if we are lucky there is someone there with a camera, or we can cleverly turn a phrase to make our idiosyncracies endearing. And that's what we put on display for the dog and pony show world of online dating.

I get so philosophical after these dates, but really I think it boils down to what Jerry Seinfeld said on his show. 99% of the world is undatable. Undatable!

I've been back home for just about 2 hours now and I think I've finally decompressed enough to pop in the latest from Netflix.

My sisters and I barely made a dent in my mom's 30+-year collection of junk, but that's to be expected. I think we'll be helping her to dig out of this hole for about a year (It's like pulling teeth). We got rid of about 15 large garbage bags of stuff, and about 6 or 7 more bags are going to be donated to a thrift store tomorrow.

Her house wore on me and I am just really tired. At the same time, it motivated me. I threw out some stuff of mine that's been sitting around with no clear purpose.

Intervention

For the last several hours my sisters and I have been going through my mother's things and throwing them away or bagging them up to be given away to Goodwill.

All of my life, my mother has been a packrat. My father, during the time they lived together, only enabled this tendency in her with his own hoarding instincts. As my mother's emotional and psychological disenfranchisement became more pronounced, so did her penchant for clutter.

I used to say "my mom has a lot of stuff, but she is very clean." And then one day, a few years ago, I realized that her "clutter" precluded cleanliness because it is impossible to clean when there is literally no clear surface in a house.

We have not been able to sit at the dining room table in at least five years. There is trash underneath it. There are piles of knick knacks, papers, and "decorations" on top of it.
My mother had begun to store wrapping paper, all manner of baskets, trinkets, and just plain crap in the shower of her second bathroom.

She's been begging me for months to come home and help her clean, and for as much as I've wanted to, I know that her take on "cleaning" is to separate her clutter into piles--to "organize" the mess--to migrate it to a new corner. I told her that if I came home, it would not be to help her clean, but to help her throw things away. My mother is a good month of continued purging away from cleaning up.

Among the things I found today:

Several bags of bags
Natty hair pieces/wig attachments
Colouring books
A book that explains menstruation to teens (written in the 1960s if the illustrations are anything to go by)
Hair conditioner that I am certain was in the main bathroom when I was in high school (1987-1991)

She has been fighting us at every turn. The only peaceful moments we've had are the ones when she went out to run errands. The push/pull between wanting to respect her and let her make decisions about what to throw away and what to keep is butting up against the cruel necessity of simply putting things in garbage bags without telling her anything.

And what is worse, her car has become an extension of the house. When she picked me and Caryl up at the train station last night, there was not enough room in the car for us both because of all the junk she carts around purposelessly day in and day out.

It's heartbreaking.

My middle sister gave voice to my darkest thoughts. How hard, she wondered, would this be if we had to dig through all this stuff after our mother's passing (which is not something we foresee in the immediate future, but still is an inevitability)?

Very Quickly...

I'm going to work today, then directly to visit my mom for the weekend. Not much is going on except that I caught up with a classmate last night. We met at the Brewer's Art, but finding that too crowded we left for Sammy's where we sat at a quiet, smokeless bar till closing.

In other news, a promising man has established contact. I volleyed back. We'll see if it materializes. Still have to firm up plans for Monday's and Tuesday's meetings (that's really what they are like... scrambled versions of the job interview construct).