I asked to switch apartments a few days ago. I asked then, thinking it would be a while before something else became available. My own place has sustained water damage in the bathroom (leaking ceiling) and in the livingroom and bedrooms because of air conditioner units that have a penchant for leaking as well. The bedroom wall, beneath the window, is so compromised because of rain damage that you can push it in, and it will separate from the sill.

I came in yesterday and was told by a leasing agent that they have a place that is vacant. Now. He showed it to me--it's the same rent, but a slightly different and better layout--I can't tell you how I wanted it. But the timing is wrong. Even though I'd only be moving to another apartment in my building, I'd need lead time. I need phone service installed and cable switched over, and to move my stuff, which is in no way transportable on a dime.

And Sarah is still with me. When I switch apartments I need to do so alone. It makes no sense otherwise. It's been messy for a long time, and I need a clean break with #704.

I felt a little out of control of my life again after this happened. I felt a little angry that I couldn't just say yes to that place, but I have to trust that there will be some inestimable gain in having to wait.

In an effort to be even-handed and judicious in rendering my tale of Gordon, I have to say that he spent the better part of the week in New York looking for potential sublet opportunities and for work. He long ago decided against getting a higher degree in painting from the New York Academy of Art, but he can't get the desire to live in the city (or near it) out of his system.

I don't know if the undertaking was successful or not. I also know that he has several work-related commitments he has to take care of during the balance of the week, so I don't expect that he will be free, really, to tell me about his time up north for a few days.

So what if he moves? Obviously the fact that he's still wanting to do it tells me something important about his priorities. I know he doesn't want to work for his dad (which he's been doing for nearly a year now), and I know that he has tried to find work here in Baltimore (which hasn't happened), so how could I not want him to take any chance he might have at happiness and a sense of accomplishment?

And he needs to get out of his annoying living situation. He's renting a room for roughly what half a share of rent on a mid-grade apartment would be, and the limits on his personal space are taxing him. Why wouldn't I want him to live in the city of his dreams?

How come I'm not praying for him that this happens?

A couple of days ago I tried to challenge myself not to see his living in New York as an impediment to the growth of our relationship. But I'm kind of back in the old mindset now. The deepening of our bond this summer was only possible because I had the crucial element of proximity in place. Sustained, repeated contact enhances relationships.

We had e-mailed with some degree of regularity for 2 1/2 years, and seen each other approximately 5 times a year before I moved back to Baltimore. And even my first year here, when he still lived with Victoria, I didn't see him that often.

So, yes, New York would be an impediment. If he's thinking of living there, then he is not thinking of having "more" with me. And what we have now, in the way of closeness, would be undermined by the distance.

Maybe we only got closer this summer because I, as his last option for society in this town, was better than nothing.