I took some rubbing alcohol to my desk, feeling the need to sterilize my workspace. After draining conversations and a meeting that wasn't too terrible, my work day is drawing to a close. I'm looking forward to going out to dinner with Sarah in a few minutes, then heading home to settle in for the night.

The rest of the week shouldn't be too bad. I know what my objectives are, and even though they may be impossible, there is some comfort to be found in knowing what I have to do.

On Friday, Sarah and I will leave work early to head up to Pennsylvania for a church retreat. I am looking forward to stepping back to gain some much-needed perspective.

I need an epiphany right about now.

I had a dream about Baltimore last night. I dreamt that I was in a gliding street car with my sisters; we were riding through an antiquated, extravagant part of town (that was representative of a real section of the city, but was not, itself, a real place) and I said, staring longingly at the homes, monuments, and the swaying springtime trees, "I love this town; It stirs my soul."

"The Problem's not Hollywood, the problem's not Washington, the problem is a weak, divided Church of schismed Christians." The OC Supertones

Ironic quiz subject, but the results make total sense...


Ted: Food & Wine Connoisseur


Which Member from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy is your type?
brought to you by Quizilla

Settling Scores

About a week ago I received a bonus check from my company. During the 6-week period where most of us lived at the office well past the requisite 5:30 p.m. end time and on weekends, both stress and productivity were high.

I got used to being at work all the time, and started to feel weird when I left work at the end of a long day, knowing I was leaving something undone. I guess people in power noticed, and understand the value of morale.

I didn't expect to be compensated, though. I just wanted to be honourable for once.

The night before I received news of the bonus, I started to pray for direction about my finances--how to best use them to get out of debt and to be a better steward over them, in general. I even remember telling God that If I could just get a leg up, a head start, I would make every effort to be responsible. It didn't take me long to connect the dots between my prayer and the good news.

I prayed for guidance about how to specifically use the money--I knew I couldn't just fritter it away; I wanted to make a statement back to God after his faithfulness to me that said "thank you."

Several years ago my mother, with my permission, used a credit card I had. The limit was laughable, but it was enough. I had just been given this card out of college, and used it to buy a stereo. I gave my mom cash, asking her to handle paying the bill (I didn't have a checking account at the time).

I left the card in her possession because I had an inherent fear of plastic, and the way it owned so many people. I didn't want her to use my card either, but when the tires on her car blew out, and other emergencies came up, and she asked me if she could use it, how could I refuse her? She promised that she would pay for these things herself, and that I would not be troubled by the expenses or the bills.

My mom and dad began to fall on truly hard times, and that debt just sat there collecting interest. My mom did do her best to field calls from collectors, and she would pay the minimum amount toward that debt when she could, but she also had cards of her own. My stepdad eventually became sick enough that he had to stop working altogether.

My mother filed for bankruptcy, and assured me that she put the card with my name on it (because she was an authorized user) on the file with all the other bills she couldn't pay. It wasn't ideal, but it was taken care of. Supposedly.

Well creditors don't ever rest. The owners of the debt eventually found me, and long story short, send me a letter once a month offering me a settlement amount that is about half of what was actually owed on the account.

I talked to my mom about it, and she thinks that they can't really do anything to me because she filed that claim with the others. I talked to them and told them the situation. They don't agree that this debt has been expunged.

So for the better part of two years, I've been ignoring their monthly missive (still telling my mom she needs to settle this account because it is my name on the line). But when I got home last night, after work, and saw the address I know too well now, I knew in my heart the intended purpose of the bonus (there were so many equally excellent uses).

I wrote them a check and put it in the mailbox last night.

Thank you God, for the leg up.

Good Help Is So Hard To Find

I've had a slew of temps supporting the editorial and formatting ends of my project since early Summer. The initial temps were recruited, not from an angency, but through postings on engines like CareerBuilder and Monster.com. Is it any wonder that they were of a higher calibre than the johnny-come-latelies that we've had shuttled over to us by that agency (who shall remain nameless), that, from what I can tell specializes in sociopaths, crackheads, and the well-meaning, but not-so-bright?

There were two exceptions, and one of them had to leave because she found better work. With any luck, this is all about to change. We may have someone I know coming in to pick up slack in a few days. Keep your fingers crossed!

I asked to switch apartments a few days ago. I asked then, thinking it would be a while before something else became available. My own place has sustained water damage in the bathroom (leaking ceiling) and in the livingroom and bedrooms because of air conditioner units that have a penchant for leaking as well. The bedroom wall, beneath the window, is so compromised because of rain damage that you can push it in, and it will separate from the sill.

I came in yesterday and was told by a leasing agent that they have a place that is vacant. Now. He showed it to me--it's the same rent, but a slightly different and better layout--I can't tell you how I wanted it. But the timing is wrong. Even though I'd only be moving to another apartment in my building, I'd need lead time. I need phone service installed and cable switched over, and to move my stuff, which is in no way transportable on a dime.

And Sarah is still with me. When I switch apartments I need to do so alone. It makes no sense otherwise. It's been messy for a long time, and I need a clean break with #704.

I felt a little out of control of my life again after this happened. I felt a little angry that I couldn't just say yes to that place, but I have to trust that there will be some inestimable gain in having to wait.

In an effort to be even-handed and judicious in rendering my tale of Gordon, I have to say that he spent the better part of the week in New York looking for potential sublet opportunities and for work. He long ago decided against getting a higher degree in painting from the New York Academy of Art, but he can't get the desire to live in the city (or near it) out of his system.

I don't know if the undertaking was successful or not. I also know that he has several work-related commitments he has to take care of during the balance of the week, so I don't expect that he will be free, really, to tell me about his time up north for a few days.

So what if he moves? Obviously the fact that he's still wanting to do it tells me something important about his priorities. I know he doesn't want to work for his dad (which he's been doing for nearly a year now), and I know that he has tried to find work here in Baltimore (which hasn't happened), so how could I not want him to take any chance he might have at happiness and a sense of accomplishment?

And he needs to get out of his annoying living situation. He's renting a room for roughly what half a share of rent on a mid-grade apartment would be, and the limits on his personal space are taxing him. Why wouldn't I want him to live in the city of his dreams?

How come I'm not praying for him that this happens?

A couple of days ago I tried to challenge myself not to see his living in New York as an impediment to the growth of our relationship. But I'm kind of back in the old mindset now. The deepening of our bond this summer was only possible because I had the crucial element of proximity in place. Sustained, repeated contact enhances relationships.

We had e-mailed with some degree of regularity for 2 1/2 years, and seen each other approximately 5 times a year before I moved back to Baltimore. And even my first year here, when he still lived with Victoria, I didn't see him that often.

So, yes, New York would be an impediment. If he's thinking of living there, then he is not thinking of having "more" with me. And what we have now, in the way of closeness, would be undermined by the distance.

Maybe we only got closer this summer because I, as his last option for society in this town, was better than nothing.

Results from a comprehensive dating profile survey

Who You Are

You're adored, and for good reasons

You're a pillar of strength and stability for the people in your life. You're responsible, loyal, and hardworking. In a crisis, you're definitely the one your friends and co-workers come running to. In fact, you're known for your common sense advice and business savvy. Your life is very ordered and busy since you're always juggling your career, family and friends, and community involvement. But you have room in your life for someone special. You're not someone who "wears her heart on his sleeve" so those close to you don't always know how you feel. However, they always know they can count on you to do what you say and say what you mean.


What's dating all about to you?

Falling in love is a spiritual experience for you. A truly loving relationship helps bring meaning to your life. You try hard to make your date feel comfortable and have a good time. You're good at anticipating what other people need and giving it to them. But inside, you're usually on an emotional roller coaster. You don't want to reject nice men, but also take it very personally if you're the one rejected. You're constantly trying to find the "rules" for successful dating but often find they don't work.

Although having a vision of what you want can be helpful, the risk is that your high standards and rush to find the perfect man can get in the way of loving a real-life imperfect man. It won't come naturally to you, but you're more likely to find what you want if you can sit back, "go with the flow," and see where dating leads you.

Who You're Looking For

He'll be an enigma

You're looking for a man who's smart, insightful, and has an insatiable curiosity about life. The two of you could share a very interesting and exciting intellectual connection. Getting close emotionally takes time, since he's an independent and sometimes shy man by nature. But he's worth the effort to get to know! Your best strategy is to see him "in action" when you go out with friends but still find quiet time with him to talk. You'll discover he's a good conversationalist, especially if you get him talking about books, current events, or any of his many interests and hobbies.

You don't expect your partner to be in a good mood all the time. You understand that sometimes your partner will be down, get pessimistic or worry too much. These days are balanced by the many good days the two of you will share. In fact, you share a number of positive qualities, including:

No strong similarities were detected, which suggests that you may be more attracted to certain "opposite qualities." Please read the next sections to see if you may be seeking someone with different or opposite qualities to balance your own habits and style.

Finding someone like you

You want to share your life with someone who has the same values, goals, and style you have. Research has shown that couples who have more in common tend to stay together longer. The qualities you find attractive (and unattractive) in men suggest you would certainly be happier with a man who's more like you.

No very strong opposites were detected, which suggests that you are most attracted to men who are very similar to you. This is good news since similar couples tend to stay together longer.

Quirks you can tolerate

The truth is that everyone is potentially "high maintenance." We all have our quirks and shortcomings. The key to long-term harmony is finding a man who can tolerate (or maybe even enjoy) your "quirks," or the little personal oddities that make you unique. You seem okay with several common quirks that might come along with your "ideal" man:

You described a pretty balanced person as most attractive to you, so no strong quirks were noted. Watch out for quirks during dating, since they may indicate a strong quality that is hidden at first.

Downside of your "ideal"

In addition to his quirks, your "ideal" personality type may have other qualities that are more frustrating or challenging to deal with. Under stress, his quirks can become serious "flaws." But remember, these quirks are the "flip side of the coin," or the extreme end of qualities you otherwise find appealing. So, be prepared if:

Because you're most attracted to men with balanced personalities, no troubling differences were noted. Nevertheless, remember that too much similarity can lead to conflict as well, especially when problems call for very different perspectives or actions.

Deal breakers

You seem ready to adapt to the good and frustrating qualities of the men you're looking for, but there are types of men you clearly do NOT like. Men's habits and attitudes you'd have a hard time putting up with include:

Idealistic or artistic men who get lost in their own world as they pursue their dreams. (Irony!)

Trade-offs you'll face

Good Qualities vs. Challenging Qualities

Tries to balance spending time with a few close friends and going out with a big group of friends.

Given the demands of family, friends, and activities, it's hard to find time alone together.

Comes up with lots of great ideas about how to do things better or improve the world.

Creative ideas are often impractical or unrealistic.

Can step back and look objectively at a problem, which can be helpful to you in any crisis.

Almost impossible to turn off analysis and thinking about what's happening.

Tries to be decisive, but still not rush into anything.

How much attention is given to problems and how decisions get made seems unpredictable.

Quark -- You are subtle and mysterious and people
know very little about you. You like hanging
out with small groups of friends (usually 3)
who you are very close to. You are usually
friends with other quarks like yourself.


What kind of subatomic particle are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Good Taste? "Everyone thinks they have good taste and a sense of humour, but they couldn't all have good taste..." (from "When Harry Met Sally")

Most Sophisticated Album:

Jane Monheit's "In The Sun"

Beverage of Choice:

Starbucks's White Chocolate Mocha

Book I Need to Read:

The Mill on the Floss by George Eliot

Transcendentalist Hotties (liberal interpretation of "hottie"):

Thoreau

Emerson

Sensualist Imagist Poet:

Rilke

Dream Car:

Land Rover

My Ideal Couch and chair:

Sage Green, Gooshy.

For Dinner Fetes:

Dark Wood is Classic, but the white cushions make it less severe.

The Boudoir:

I like the minimalist look of this bed frame (and the french vintage ad is so me!)

Gusts

The wind is aggressively battering the balcony furniture of the people across the way. Outside on the waterfront, sail chains are clanging and beating. The temperature is fairly mild, and while not heralding a storm, the strong air currents do seem to be signaling the arrival of something.

You're Most Like The Season Autumn ...

You're warm, and the most approachable. You have
that gentle prescence about you. People can
relate to you, and find you easy company.
However it's likely you've been hurt in the
past and it has left you scarred so things can
become rather chilly with you at times. Being
the third Season in, you're mature, trustworthy
and loyal to your friends but prone to
depression and negative thinking.

Well done... You're the shy and sensitive season :)


?? Which Season Are You ??
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G picked me up at about 5 till seven. I was delighted to see that he had changed into a crisp blue oxford and khakis for our outing. I changed out of my lumberjack wear from this morning, and wore, instead, a crisp white button down with a coral camisole and Jeans. The only thing non feminine about my casual outfit was the hiking boots I put on in case of flooding.

I loved the moment of acknowledgment we shared taking each other in wearing slightly fancier clothes. He drove us into the part of the city affectionately known as "Greek town" where his studio is, but the building was without power. We made tentative plans to go back on Sunday morning.

We made our way back to my part of town, and proceeded to visit several local cafes and pubs, not enjoying more than one drink in any one place. I treated him to the first round, then he paid for the cab ride to the tapas place and bought the food and drinks there. When we left to check out the place next door (Club Charles), I realized my shoe was untied, so he bent down to lace them up for me.

At the next place, we each ordered manhattans (told him I'd never been horseback riding and he said he would arrange with his mom for me to go), and then headed to the Brewer's Art for Stoli shots, and talked about marriage and celibacy--the priesthood, and the sacrifice it entails--vs. marriage and the sacfrifice it entails.

At one point he looked down at me, and asked me if I was standing on lower ground than he, because he felt that he was suddenly even taller than me (than usual). I laughed at him and said "no, this is about right." I don't know when this occurred, but at some point, I took his fingers in mine, and we just held on to each other for a moment.

I told him that in spite of everything, I liked him when he smoked, because I'd always found the vice to be so cool-looking. So he sent me to bum a cigarette and a light for him off some other bar patron. Maybe it wasn't such a great thing to encourage him to do (he's trying to quit), but I loved that he smoked for me.

After that we headed back to my apartment where we joined Bina, Jamie [her out of town guest], and Michael for one more drink and some pretty entertaining conversation, that ran the gamut from stalkers to Jamie's life on a submarine (Navy). I sat close to him, wanting to feel our bodies connecting in whatever way possible.

I couldn't help it, at one point when we'd first arrived back at my place I took his whole hand in mine, and he squeezed when I did that.

I feel, if I'm being honest, that several of our outings might classify as dates, but tonight felt like one to me.

Hurricane Chic

(with all due respect and sober acknowledgment of the damage this hurricane has caused, the title of this blog does not mean to make light of anyone's loss)

Sarah's parents called us up, reported eating potted meat out of a can and reading the Reader's Digest jokes by candle light. Here in baltimore we watched old sitcoms, filled up the bath tub with water (in the event of loss of power/water) and watched bits of a slate roof fly down our street with rapt fascination.

This morning I called up Gordon to make sure he was okay (his part of town was severely flooded); He ended up coming over for coffee and crumb cake, and we made plans for this evening. When he arrived my hair was standing on end, and I was dressed like a lumberjack (eddie bauer flannel and jeans).

This, my friends, is hurricane chic. You heard it here first.

You're a MYSTIC! A mystic needs basic information
to interpret the story or plot. You carry
characteristics of both plotters and pantsers,
and therefore you may have been unsure about
your writing personality. You may write a
chapter or two to get the story going, and then
write a very basic synopsis or outline of major
plot events. Nothing is set in stone. You
allow your intuition and inspiration to guide
you. You may stick to a steady schedule, or
you may write in bursts. Most mystics write
with a fair amount of regularity--not every
day, but maybe the same days of the week seem
to work best for you. You may revise the
previous days writing before continuing on with
new prose. Mystics carry the best
characteristics of both plotting and pantsing.
You are committed, but flexible. You are
creative, but organized. You have both a good
voice, and the grammatical skill to pull off a
great novel.


Find Your Writing Personality!!
brought to you by Quizilla

"Have you ever watched a pot of water come to a boil? Have you noticed how calm water can quickly form bubbles, which then rise to the top and burst? All of this relates to heat, rising temperatures, and energy." --from a Science lesson I edited.

Am listening to the Bridget Jones's Diary soundtrack and watching chairs blown about on people's balconies. Will only be at the office proper for about forty more minutes, and then will print out stuff to take home. Will take Friday as it comes...

For some reason, keep having vision of red, gooshy couch, sage green reading chair, and dark wood coffee table with candles... I have this idea that when Bina gets her new place, I will turn mine into a love nest.

Hmmm...

Hurricane Isabel

has shut down the Washington, DC Federal government and several school districts and counties. I think I'm exercising my right to work from home tomorrow.

The Long-Awaited List of Goals (that everyone must formulate shortly after his or her 30th birthday)

I. By this time next year to have my comparably paltry debt [mostly]obliterated.

a. must accomplish this by completely revamping spending habits.
1. must accomplish this by starting a savings account.
2. must support savings account by putting in all money I would otherwise frivolously spend on items with no long-term value.

II. By this time next year to have new furniture that I actually like.

a. new spending habits may or may not facilitate this goal.

III. By this time next year to have settled church membership issues.

a. must accomplish this goal by continuing to pray and visit as many places as possible.

IV. By this time next year to have worked hard enough to get a raise.

a. must accomplish this goal by continuing to work tirelessly at job, being of the mindset that integrity and a solid work ethic are integral to character development.

V. By this time next year to have enrolled in grad program, pursuing an MFA or MA in English Literature/Creative Writing.

a. must accomplish this goal by researching entry requirements and by saving money (see goal I).

Zagat Rated

Wednesday, September 10th, 5:05 p.m.

Flight to Boston touches down early (hurrah!). Catchka was there to meet me as soon as I had collected my bag, and per our agreement, yelled out "Welcome to Fantasy Island!" (don't ask; it's something we thought would be very funny.) I gave her the watercolor Gordon painted as a housewarming present and made her open it right there in baggage claim. "Is this a crack pipe?" I love it!" She exclaimed.

She spirited me away in her new, macked-out silver Nissan Altima, whom she lovingly refers to as "Boyfriend." Honestly, if you had this roomy, luxury number in your life he might be all you'd need too.

We headed to her lovely, antiquated apartment house in Somerville where she set about making me a wonderful, savory meal of a bruschetta appetizer, a spinach salad with bacon, bleu cheese, dried cranberries, and walnuts (topped off with raspberry vinaigrette), and angel hair pasta with clam sauce...

Eating by candelight, and opening up my birthday presents in stages--fun cool citrus basil products from Bath and Body Works and a series of sepia toned photographs, all of which Catherine took. One of a boat on the water from our college, one of the Eiffel Tower at night, one of me [silhouetted], and another of her and me taken the last time she visited me in Baltimore.

It was hard, but I went to bed after all that excitement....

Thursday, September 11th, 7:57 a.m.

Meeting Catchka's friend Natalie at the Soundbites Cafe for breakfast was a blast. I enjoyed apricot and cream cheese-stuffed french toast, the requisite cup of coffee, and bacon (of course).

After this scrumptious feast, we headed into Nantick for a day of apple and peach picking--a surprise Catherine planned for me, thinking I would love the New England of it all.... we took some lovely "Eve" shots in the orchard.

Oh, but lest I forget our photo shoot in Target immediately beforehand... I must tell you, I made Catherine don something with a faux fur collar. She looked hot!!!!!

Friday, September 12th, time unknown

Renee's Cafe for breakfast--even better than Sound bites in my opinion. I don't know when I've had better pancakes, or a more charming waiter.

We went into the woods because we wanted to live deliberately.... Walden Pond was a real treat, especially when C used her cell phone to call Sarah to tell her the terrible news about John Ritter... Can't really buy irony that good.

I don't know why, but I'd never made the obvious and overt connection between Thoreau and Emerson--as friends as well as contemporaries. Learned that Walden was Emerson's property which he let Thoreau borrow so he could get his head together. Never knew that Walden, even then, was a stone's throw from Thoreau's family and friends, and that he was always going to his mom's house for food and such. He also had plenty of visitors, and food...

Why had I imagined him eating berries and tree bark, and being all isolated?

After the WP, we headed to the Sleepy Hollow Cemetery in the heart of Concord. I photographed Emerson's house (imminently quotable man that he was), and visited his grave, as well as Thoreu's and Louisa May Alcott's.

Lest you think this was all macabre and literary antiquity, Catherine took me out (along with two of her friends from Church) to the Comedy Club on Friday night. I love stand up routines. Even though two of the seven comedians were truly un funny, it was a blast! I laughed like crazy.

Saturday, September 13th, 12:10 p.m.

At the Somerville Theatre, sitting in the balcony, saw "Bend it Like Beckham" mantinee. Would recommend to others as worthwhile.

Spent the rest of the day in the city proper, at Boston Common, taking lovely photographs, and just enjoying C's company. She showed me the city from her perspective, took me to J.P. Lick's for ice cream, and then to the North End for a delicious Italian meal at D'Amores (I ate chicken and sausage bianco). Best cup of coffee in Boston, period.

Catherine's sister and boyfriend met us in town for the Jim's Big Ego concert in Harvard Square. I was tired at the beginning of the show, but pepped up, and got into the fun of the band in due time. I was blown away, at least once an hour, by how much care, thought, and detailed planning went into Catherine's preparation for my visit.

This woman has hospitality in spades; I felt completely welcome and adored by her. I thought maybe I should have been taking notes.

Sunday, September 14th, 1:00 p.m.

Leaving church in a beautiful deluge of rain, starving, thinking about my pending departure....

My last meal out was at Anna's Taqueria, where I had the best steak quesadilla ever! We picked up coffee for me, and chocolate croissants for us both at Starbucks, and then headed back to Catherine's place to settle tabs (she fronted me money for my incidentals), put my bags in her trunk, take final photographs, and bring closure to our lovely visit.

I started to think about seeing Gordon at the airport back home. I had low level butterflies about that, and the plane ride. Take off is sometimes nerve wracking for me, but this time when my plane climbed the sky, I felt exhilarated.

I didn't know if he would just idle in his car in the pick up area or not, but I conducted myself as though he would (parking right outside the terminal area as opposed to coming into the airport to collect me). I called him when after ten minutes I was still waiting for my baggage, and as it turns out, he was inside the terminal, but not sure where I was because the status of my flight was showing as "still arriving." Anyway, he met me at baggage claim. I hugged him, genuinely happy to just be standing there with him.

He was wearing one of the shirts he bought the day I went shopping with him. I said "Hey, I like that shirt." He came back with "Someone made me break the bank on a shopping trip..."

He immediately took my carry on (knapsack). When my checked bag finally slid down the chute, he grabbed that too, and protested when I tried to take back the backpack. I asked him if he wanted to come back to my place for coffee and a visit. He said he'd love to. We talked easily and a lot on the drive home; I felt him trusting me, glad to be with me...

He didn't have my birthday present with him, so we had to swing by his place for it--"The Gentle Side of John Coletrane"--an album that he loves. So I guess we're even since I gave him Ella's "Like Someone In Love" for his birthday. I loved the gift, to say the least.

Once back at the apartment, I gave Sarah, Michael, and G the presents I brought them (I gave G a Last Supper Lunch Box), and made coffee. As on the drive from the airport, G and I talked effortlessly (Sarah and Michael stepped out to run an errand). I found out that he loves the movie "Casablanca" after I said how much I hated it the one time I watched it (I was 20 at the time).

I put on the cd he gave me, and we sipped our coffee listening to Coletrane.

After he left I unpacked and ate a bologna sandwich...

I've been in Boston for 24 hours now, and the food I've eaten so far, alone, has made the trip worth it! Catherine made me a bruschetta appetizer, angel hair pasta with red clam sauce, and a spinach salad with walnuts, dried cranberries, bacon, and crumbled bleu cheese last night. It was my birthday dinner.

This morning at 8 o'clock we met a friend of hers at the Sound Bites cafe--I had cream cheese and apricot-stuffed french toast with coffee (and bacon, of course).

Later we drove into Wellesley and picked apples and white peaches, stopping to take lots of cool concept photographs (think "eve's tempation"). We especially liked the petting zoo (ostriches, donkeys in miniature, goats, sheep, and pot bellied pigs)! Catherine talked to these creatures and they totally responded to her. I think the word I'm looking for is "precious."

We played Ella's "Like Someone In Love" on the way back to Catchka's charming house/apartment, and I thought about Gordon. Surprise. Surprise.

Luch was a savory crepe (at Mr. Crepe) of arugala, avocado, cilantro, and monterey jack cheese... We tooled around Davis Square in CD SPins and the McIntyre used book store. I picked up a few souvenirs for friends, including a "Last Supper" lunch box for G.

More adventures from Bean Town to come... stay tuned!

The Silver Jetta Is Gone

It had been Sarah's dream car for more than a year when she finally got one in the spring of 2000. It had all the bells and whistles she wanted it to have, complete with alloy wheels and a sunroof. She named him Tennyson--the perfect combination of literary antiquity and suburban presumption. Tennyson was a beautiful, shiny machine--and still is. He's just not Sarah's anymore.

Her "check engine" light came on on Monday morning (on the way to the MVA), so she expedited the process of setting up a service appointment (it was time for the 40,000 mile check up anyway). Long story short, the repairs were going to be steep, and given the fact that her lease was to expire in May, the dealership cut her a deal. I went with her to finalize tonight. She is now the owner of a sophisticated, black 2003 Jetta sans many of the bells and whistles that made Tennyson what he is.

In the long run, she'll come out better, but for now she misses the old car. Funny how your entire car identity can change in an instant.

So, in memory of the silver Jetta that Sarah rocked for so long, I write this blog to commemorate the hours and long drives where we did nothing but listen to NSYNC's "No Strings Attached," talk about the men in our lives, tote Christmas presents and other shopping hauls, schlep groceries, and just escape, from time to time, the mediocrity that was Montgomery County--eventually all the way back to Baltimore for good.

So long, Tennyson. It was real.

"When you take someone to the airport it's clearly the beginning of the relationship." --From "When Harry Met Sally"

I returned to the MVA this morning and left with an ID card, finally. It was a small-scale headache again, but mission accomplished.

After more than a week of pondering Sarah's suggestion to ask Gordon to pick me up from the airport next Sunday night (when I return from Boston), I finally did it. It's set. He said that he has my birthday present (he didn't bring it with him last week) so he'll give it to me "then"...

I lost my state ID on my birthday. The last place I had it was at Vaccaro's when I had to show it to the waiter to prove it was my birthday (complimentary dessert). It goes without saying that I contacted the restaurant, but the staff did not find it there. So I spent about an hour and forty minutes yesterday just waiting on line at the MVA to get a new one. I want you, gentle reader, to bear in mind that almost everyone except me was getting there getting his or her liscense renewed, and leaving with their spiffy new MD state-designed card. As expected. Of the four or five times I've needed to have state IDs issued to me, I have always gotten the card on the day of the transaction.

I was told my card, which was processed effortlessly enough, would need to be mailed to me. I politely challenged the concept, saying that A) people were leaving with drivers licences, and B) I am flying on Wednesday and could not do so without proof of identification. Essentially, I was told that if I could come back on Monday morning (when it would be mailed out to me) and show my flight itinerary it would be given to me then. So that's what I'm doing. Proving I'm getting on a plane so that the MVA can give me a state ID card that I held in my hand before I left on Saturday afternoon to verify the spelling of all my personal information.

Bina and I came home and ate an old shool mixed with a somewhat new school vibe lunch. We had bologna and cheese sandwiches with creamy couscous with oranges and nuts on the side. We finished up with delicious and sharply tart key lime pie. I cleaned up after us, then sat on the couch to read the awesome book Bina gave me for my birthday Baltimore Transitions, a photo retrospective of the city's evolution.

I was expecting Jim, my mother's good friend, to come pick me up to spirit me to my mom's house to collect her and my sister for birthday celebration part III (I had a girls' night with Sarah, Victoria, and Marge on Friday night). We went out to dinner at a lovely Chinese food buffet, and then to see a community theatre presentation of "Annie," which was delightfully rendered. We wrapped up our evening at some truck stop in Anne Arundel county where the coffee was weak and the pie freezerburned, but even that was lovely somehow.

I returned to Baltimore a little after midnight and watched the balance of a "La Femme Nikita" episode with Sarah and Michael, then went to sleep, still feeling that something sinister is afoot at the MVA.

Elevator Epiphanies

I made a quick run to 7-11 a little bit ago, and rode down in the lift with one of my building's maintenance technicians. I nodded and smiled at him, and then retreated to my corner of the elevator. When we were nearly on the 1st floor, he said "something is different about you; I don't know what it is." I told him I thought it had to do with being newly 30... It's affirming when an internal glow shows up on your face.

Yesterday was my 30th birthday. So I begin again at 364 days til 31.

I awoke yesterday morning to the gifts of a grey sky and city streets damp with rain. It was great to have weather that I love characterize the vibe of the day.

Once at work I listened to Miles Davis's "Love Songs" and drank hot, creamy coffee while making editorial markings on curriculum. I was content and self-satisfied. Only a few of my coworkers knew it was my birthday, so for the most part it was business as usual, excepting the delicious, miniature pineapple upside down cake Michael brought me, and later the foccacia vegetable pizza he gave me as a late afternoon treat.

The typical frustrations with office politics and problem employees were present. I even had to make the decision to let one of the temps go after carefully pondering the matter for the better part of a week.

But after all of that, I ate dinner with Sarah, Michael, and Gordon at a local mexican restaurant, then went back to my apartment to unwrap presents,and then we ended the night at Vaccaro's in Little Italy.

It was a calm, beautifuly day sans ostentacious displays. Very grown up.

kate,

as you enter your 4th decade on this earth, i wanted to give you a small gift....a mere token of my appreciation for you (along with the other loot you'll unwrap later at home!). i have been searching for weeks, trying to find some template that would do you justice, express to the world the essence of who you are, etc.; but after days of shirking my work responsibilities in an effort to realize this goal, i came to the conclusion that it would diminish you to try to pin you down.

so, instead, i have chosen this maple leaf, brilliant with color, on the verge of winter's icy grip. not that i think for one moment that you are on the way out, my friend. on the contrary. the fall is but a precursor to real life, the life that comes after death, the shedding of the old, the giving up of that which is lost. and i see that as the path on which God has you - the path that is leading to the beginning of your real life. this season has been so much about learning to lay down, yield, acquiesce, etc. and while it may be quiet for a time, as things brew beneath the surface, there is a life being birthed inside of you this very moment and at the right time, you will step into it with full assurance that your time has indeed come.

get ready for greatness, kate. the winter is near, the time for dying nearly over.

autumn has indeed returned. shine your colors. you are born!

(i love you always.....sarah)

Relationship-Ready

I think that a few items are prerequisites for starting up an exclusive, dating relationship.

1) A healthy self-concept
2) An informed perspective
3) Financial independence/responsibility by way of gainful employment or lucrative, legitimate production of goods
4) Living independently, or in a roommate situation with a peer, but preferrably alone
5) Emotional freedom
6) Generosity of spirit
7) Tolerance

I don't know that I'm ready for a relationship. I like to think that I am. Of course I'm more ready now than I have ever been, but I don't know if I'm ready enough to let myself be loved, to really let someone look at me so closely. And I don't know if I'm intolerant enough of the deception that "all is well," to really entreat my eyes to see a man for who he is.

Maybe deep down I'm still too ashamed of the dark places in me to subject another person to what I keep hidden.

At this very moment, I feel particularly afraid of the notion of being emotionally and spiritually accountable to a man. I hear the call to be a rolling stone that gathers no moss. But that rolling stone paradigm is largely a defense mechanism. I became that stone out of the fear that if I ever stood still long enough I would only discover that I was unwanted anyway.

So, what if I decided that I am ready to open up my heart for inspection? Would he want to know those terrible secrets I've been keeping?

I might decide to be brave, and this could all still end up being moot.

A Third


Ten years old!


How Old is Your Inner Child?
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Comments?

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Labor Day

I only worked for about half hour today editing some art curriculum. I'm getting to the point that if I'm not at work, I'm not really sure who I am or what I'm doing.

The rest of the week

I may be AWOL for a couple of days. School Starts tomorrow, and I expect there may be glitches that keep me from the world of blogging for a couple of days. I have counseling on Wednesay night, and then... well, the big day....