A Spike in the Numbers

Some months ago I checked my credit score online. It was pretty abysmal. I checked again tonight because I had a sneaking suspicion that it would be better and that confirming that improvement would raise my mood (which is not abysmal, per se, but I digress). It is approximately 60 points higher than it was before. I have moved from "poor" to "fair."

Then I faced the number I had more than a sneaking suspicion would be oh so much higher than before. I haven't weighed myself in months because I've been creeping up the scale. I knew that. I knew that. I'd been telling myself "I won't get on the scale until I've started to lose weight." It became clear, though, that not facing that number was enabling my denial.

my clothes are tight. i don't feel like doing my hair because my clothes are tight. i am heading back to the place i was before back when i didn't think i was worth much.

if you've seen this month's cover of O magazine, you know she's wondering how she could let herself gain the weight back after so many years of struggle and the ultimate triumph over her food issues. I know exactly how she feels.

i see a holistic health person. i had all these good intentions. i did so well for so long.

so that number, too, spiked. not quite 50 points up, but not that far off. i know what to do, but i don't know where to begin.

it would seem that life continues to be a tradeoff.