eating like a pauper

i've consumed more *peanutbutter and jelly sandwiches in the last week than i did in all of last year. it's some combination of trying to save money (i'm not destitute, but running a little low) and trying to create meals that have stricter parameters for myself. a sandwich has a very definite end. it's very contained. because i'm using low-cal bread, i usually have two as a meal, but sometimes i find that if i wait a bit between them, one will suffice.

recently, i've allowed myself to consider that i might be a food addict. i have a number of extreme tendencies (excess or abstinence) where consumption is concerned. for the last several months i've been informally gathering data about my food preferences, responses, and my emotions as regulated by food consumption.

several times in the last two months, i have experienced feelings of resentment about the fact that i even need to eat at all. i volley between that and feeling resigned to overeating, feeling helpless to the pull of heavy carbs and sweets that were abundant in my workplace and the whole wide world for all of December. i have to reorient myself because all of the detoxing i did a year and a half ago has been undermined by the last several months' reemerging habits.

there was this one day there were donuts or something like that in the office. all day. and i sidestepped the temptation (it took every ounce of my strength). Once i'd made it to the afternoon without a single slip, i thought i was home free. i left my area for a brief break, came back, and there were new goodies (savory this time) in the general area. and something literally snapped. i didn't feel there was any way i could withstand a second round. i didn't.

i had the thought that no one would expect a recovering crack addict to resist the drug on a table surrounded by all of its accoutrements, buffet-style, so why on earth was i being subjected to this torture? food is really the last addiction frontier. it's not entirely ignored as a problem, but is still relatively low on the radar. it's hard to manage, because everyone does need to eat--addicted or not. you can safely refrain (once detoxed) from all other substances and never need to touch them again. in fact, you mustn't, but food is the habit you can't completely break.

i don't want to externalize,though. i know that my patterns are the result of my internal landscape, so as much as possible, without beating myself up, i'm taking responsibility for myself and my habits. isn't that the first step? i have no specific goals (none that i will publicize this go round, anyway) except to create a new set of governing principles about food.

at its root, i know it's about feeling thwarted and powerless. there's some experience i want, there's some control i don't know how to take. food, for me, is about not being robbed. it's about a hunger so deep, it's bottomless.

it goes even deeper than i imagined. i spent so much time working this out, losing weight (some of which i have definitely regained), learning to reign myself in. and i did it all the right way. i thought it would stick this time.

the motivation for that overhaul was extreme devastation. when my grief, anger, and sadness lifted, the fuel that kept me going ran out. i felt the drive leaving me and i was terrified.

so now what? i can't avoid food. i can't make it my stand-in for unfulfilled longings. what's in between? i guess i'll find out.

*by the way, i'm not suggesting that an all pb&j diet is something to do long-term. it's just refreshingly uncomplicated for the time being. it also really hits the spot.