understandably vague

i don't mean to create the illusion of drama when there is none. i'm accustomed to writing in couched terms because this blog was on the radar of a few people, at least at one time, that i worked with and discretion just made good sense.

so when i talk about being open to a change, wanting something different, and having a full heart, it's really just about vague yearnings and being tired from putting in a few long days last week. this is my blog, and i shouldn't self edit, but i'm hyper conscious of how i come across when i fixate on or revisit the same topics too many times.

i didn't want to write that mr. close encounters' book is being reviewed by a publisher and that he wrote to tell me how invaluable my contribution was to the process. he said more than that, but it all amounted to his gratitude for the work i put in. he has no guarantees at this point, but he's being given some real consideration. i've been impressed this whole time with his single-minded devotion to his work. he's more of a writer than i am.

i was too chicken to quit a job that wasn't working for me anymore, and now here i am again. working hard, making a contribution, but not one toward my own agenda. i am not jealous of mr. close encounters. i would want nothing less for him than for his book to be published. in truth, though, i felt something other than gladness for him, but i don't know how to say what that is. and i don't know if it's worth it. i don't know if it means anything--what i want or what i feel.

i am afraid because i need--really need--the job i have now. it is a lot of work and i don't know if the dividends will justify what it will take to do it well. i just hope that i have the courage to keep my ultimate goals at the forefront of my mind and keep fighting for them.

when i was editing Mr. Close Encounters' novel, I worked for hours, after clocking out for the day from my day job, to get it right. I wanted him to have something solid--a strong place to push toward. i'm not so pure of heart that i could completely divorce any hope i'd once had for being with him from that process, but i can say that the truth of what he wanted to convey would not allow that subplot to take over the main narrative.

i have had men tell me before how my invaluable my genius is to the foundation of what they want to do, and that has kept me hanging around longer than i should.

jobs. the hope of love in a hopeless situation. they're both crippling.

i saw myself already signing up to sell my soul to the company store (3 10-hour days last week) and felt my pulse threaten to quicken at the sight of a name in my inbox that i never see there telling me how crucial my efforts were.

and it just made me sad. because it doesn't change anything.