"have you ever wanted to dream about those things you've never known?"

my heart is very full tonight. it's been brimming with a lovely sadness and hope--with grief and with love. i had a spirited meal with friends, two of the funniest, most charming women i know, and i felt a lot like myself. each of us is very different from the others, but something magical happens when we all sit down to talk. we end up laughing hysterically, and something better about me emerges. someone funnier and more eager than i usually allow myself to be shows up.

i feel pretty overwhelmed at my job, and i'm compensating by showing up about 2 hours earlier than normal--just so i can address everything i need to with the benefit of no interruptions. i have every intention of doing well, but i feel crippled by the very real possibility of failure. it's a humbling situation. hard not to feel like i've gone backward. it's hard not to feel like some of my options have disappeared.

is this where i was supposed to be now? another birthday looms. i can see it from here, but what i don't see is how i'm supposed to get there.