wakeful nights

i am awakened, without fail, between the hours of 2 and 3:30 a.m. each morning. antagonized by the thought of something i forgot to do, something that could go wrong, and the general ick of acknowledging my shrinking possibilities, i bolt upright and take to the Internet. there are five or six pet sites that i worry like a stone, the page impressions like virtual grooves. my whole world is sleeping, it seems, but i am already up looking for signs of movement and progress from somewhere.

i am hurrying myself out of rest and into the arms of even more waiting.

i cannot lie. there is something enlivening about all this. to be enmeshed and invigorated by the enmeshment is a lovely, drama-filled time. i don't have many emotional outlets, so when i'm up in arms over something it's my own little walk on the wild side.

but really, even when my emotions are going at full tilt, the filter is analysis and categorization.

when i am engaged on this level, it's so hard for me to let go, to be let go of.

i'm up a night proverbially pacing because of my tunneled vision. there is no zen to be had anywhere right now, but i desperately need some balance and some perspective. what's going to happen is that my project is going to come to an end, and it's going to be fine, and i'll wonder why i saw the process of getting there to be my nemesis when it's the very thing i should have been savoring.

i don't know. i just wasn't made like that, y'all. so i'm mainlining caffeine, violently checking e-mail for updates, and making mental lists.